I have neglected myself for so long

I have been taken over by guilt. I hate this. I need to think for me again.

Realisation

I realise that I hvae been leading a very tolerating life for the longest time. I have been tolerating the same old issues every single day, day in and day out and for what??? All so unnecessary. Whenever I am in a good mood, I have to be put in the same situation again by the same people. I fucking hate this. It is like a vicious cycle that I have no control to break out of. I hate to keep on tolerating this. I really fucking hate this. Every day......will it ever stop??

I am so exhausted. Fuck. When I was feeling fine..all of a sudden...bang! That idiot starts again. I am fucking sick of pacifying him. I can't even keep quiet or run away from it. He will go berserk, do fuck things till I react and pacifiy him. I fucking hate hate hate hate hate his behaviour!! I feel really totally so helplesss.
I really hate it but I have to tolerate this several times a day. I am not a saint. I am absolutely going crazy. I hate hate hate hate hate this.

All I want is some peace and total peace of mind. And I dun wana feel sick over this again. So stressed that I am feeling physically sick and for what??? So unnecessary. It is like mental, hysically and emotional torture every single day. I am actually beig emotiona;;y blackmailed every single day..several times a day. Most times I was so stressed by this that I dun eve know what I was doing and may end up doing things that are bad for me. I hate this but I canot stop it. I cannot control it. I feel totally helpless. I am trapped in this vicious cycle of torture. I hate this!!!!!! How to make this stop?????????????????!!!!!!! Fuck.

I dun wanna go crazy over this but I fear that I am going to. I am so fuckig stressed! Not worth it. Fucking hate this.

Something about me

I know I dun really like kids.
I hate to look after kids for a long time.
I have no patience.
I hate to be manipulated and controlled.
I love mornings.
I love scenic places.
I hate to be restricted.
I love a good conversation.
I love to chit-chat.
I hate irritating people.
I love to watch oprah on tv.
I love to do whatever I feel like it whenever I feel like it.
I love half hour comedies.
I hate routine.
I hate doing the same things all the time.
I like variety and new stuff.
I hate boredom.
I hate whinny kids.
I hate noise.
I hate to be disturbed.
I hate to be provoked.
I hate being angry.
I like peace.
I hate to let my hormones control me.
I love to go chill out with positive people.
I hate to please people I dun like.
I hate what I have become.
Remember the better person that I used to be?
Can I even get that person back???
I just need peace and relaxation and total peace of mind.

Now

It is hard work. To hard. I feel so tired. Feel so exhausted and drained of every ounce of energy. Headache and migraine. Pain.

I wanna do nothing again. I have not done nothing and things I wanna do for a long time. If I know it is going to be like this....I would have done things differently. I am like an empty shell now. Going through the motions, bahaving like a robot...doint thigs I should do instead of the things I wanna do. I am so freaking tired manzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

Dun wanna think anymore. SO tired.