I need new hobbies..........
and new frens....
and a new direction.......
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I care too much
I am in this state now cos I care too much about everything and everyone around me already. If only I can be more bochup about everything, I guess I would enjoy better health and be happier. I am too forgiving also. I am too soft-hearted. I am too stupid.
Now I think the most important thing to me is my health. I wanna be in good health again. Not to be affected by all these ungrateful people around me anymore. Enough is enough.
Think what they want...do what they want...say what they want. I am already immuned. Nothing can hurt me anymore. I only care about myself now. I feel so free.......what a good feeling.
What comes, comes. Whatever. I have spent too much time oblivious to myself and too immersed with all the things around me. I had let too much time pass by nelecting myself. Time to put the focus back on myself.
There is a limit to my tolerance also. Think I give up on trying to get others to care.
I love myself..that's good enough.
Life is still good with no expectations and thus no disappointments.
Now I think the most important thing to me is my health. I wanna be in good health again. Not to be affected by all these ungrateful people around me anymore. Enough is enough.
Think what they want...do what they want...say what they want. I am already immuned. Nothing can hurt me anymore. I only care about myself now. I feel so free.......what a good feeling.
What comes, comes. Whatever. I have spent too much time oblivious to myself and too immersed with all the things around me. I had let too much time pass by nelecting myself. Time to put the focus back on myself.
There is a limit to my tolerance also. Think I give up on trying to get others to care.
I love myself..that's good enough.
Life is still good with no expectations and thus no disappointments.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Hope and Hope
I need to b e more positive and focus on the positive. What u focuses on expands. So better to expand positivity than negativity. Yup. :)
Be at peace no matter what happens. Be hopeful. Stay happy. Relax.
Focus on positive emotions. Let it go...let it be. Dun allow others to affect my mood and my outlook in life.
Let Go and Let God take over.
I have this new sense of confidence that no matter what happens...I will remain calm and at peace. I will not lose control again or explode again. Since studies show that anger is better controlled than expressed....so I will learn to control it. I can do it.
:) Smile. Do the action and the feeling will come. Smile and u will feel happier. Laugh and u will feel more hopeful and happier and better.
Be at peace no matter what happens. Be hopeful. Stay happy. Relax.
Focus on positive emotions. Let it go...let it be. Dun allow others to affect my mood and my outlook in life.
Let Go and Let God take over.
I have this new sense of confidence that no matter what happens...I will remain calm and at peace. I will not lose control again or explode again. Since studies show that anger is better controlled than expressed....so I will learn to control it. I can do it.
:) Smile. Do the action and the feeling will come. Smile and u will feel happier. Laugh and u will feel more hopeful and happier and better.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Hope
I learnt this:
Hope is what keeps people going. Only with hope that u can have happiness. Hope is essential. We must find hope in the things we do in order to be happy.
All things happen for a reason. We need to have faith in our maker.
I have depression cos I have lost hope and am angry with myself for making certain decisions that are harmful to myself. Depression is drfinitely anger turned inward.
Letting go of a situation is the best way to move forward.
Anger is not the only way to react to a bad situation.
That I will live differently from now on with this new found wisdom.
HOPE. SO IMPORTANT FOR ONE"S HAPPINESS.
Hope is what keeps people going. Only with hope that u can have happiness. Hope is essential. We must find hope in the things we do in order to be happy.
All things happen for a reason. We need to have faith in our maker.
I have depression cos I have lost hope and am angry with myself for making certain decisions that are harmful to myself. Depression is drfinitely anger turned inward.
Letting go of a situation is the best way to move forward.
Anger is not the only way to react to a bad situation.
That I will live differently from now on with this new found wisdom.
HOPE. SO IMPORTANT FOR ONE"S HAPPINESS.
Things to do
Everyday..eat...dun go hungry.
Drink water.
Take meds.
Dun lose my temper or yell or be angry.
Sleep at regular times.
Let go of things I can't control.
Be patient that things will get better.
Have faith.
Laugh everyday.
Focus on positives.
Relax, not stress.
Drink water.
Take meds.
Dun lose my temper or yell or be angry.
Sleep at regular times.
Let go of things I can't control.
Be patient that things will get better.
Have faith.
Laugh everyday.
Focus on positives.
Relax, not stress.
Why?
Sometimes I dun understand myself. Do I think I am Superman? I can't do everything. Why must I keep forcing myself and trying so hard to control everything and make everything as perfect as possible that it has taken its toll on me. My health has suffered greatly as a result. I refused to give myself a rest or take a break or do something for myself to make myself happy. All I did was do was I thought I MUST do and was the right thing to do...I OVERDID IT AND IT BACKFIRED ON ME.
I thought I was doing the right things.. But I was smothering. I thought I was trying so hard to control but the truth is it is impossible to control everything. I thought I was doing the right thing but over pushing myself and forcing myself...that I should feel guilt if I give myself a break or let myself slack or rest. What was I doing?? I was feeling so much guilt that it was hindering my own self care.
As a result..now my health suffered. The people around me suffered. Sigh....I made a mistake not just to myself but to my loved ones also. Sigh.......... Now my health is so bad....I wonder whether I will ever recover fully and feel good again. I will never push myself to the limit again or force myself till I drop again. NEVER. SOmetimes it is better to give space for myself and others. I need to take care of myself. DUn let guilt and worry overwhelm me to the extent that I cannot rest .
I am so afraid now. Feeling phsically sick everyday...really cannot function is no joke. Feels horrible. I wonder whether I will ever recover fully. If I do..I will NOT make the same mistakes again. This I promise myself. Sigh.......sad.
I thought I was doing the right things.. But I was smothering. I thought I was trying so hard to control but the truth is it is impossible to control everything. I thought I was doing the right thing but over pushing myself and forcing myself...that I should feel guilt if I give myself a break or let myself slack or rest. What was I doing?? I was feeling so much guilt that it was hindering my own self care.
As a result..now my health suffered. The people around me suffered. Sigh....I made a mistake not just to myself but to my loved ones also. Sigh.......... Now my health is so bad....I wonder whether I will ever recover fully and feel good again. I will never push myself to the limit again or force myself till I drop again. NEVER. SOmetimes it is better to give space for myself and others. I need to take care of myself. DUn let guilt and worry overwhelm me to the extent that I cannot rest .
I am so afraid now. Feeling phsically sick everyday...really cannot function is no joke. Feels horrible. I wonder whether I will ever recover fully. If I do..I will NOT make the same mistakes again. This I promise myself. Sigh.......sad.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Anger
I am done with destructive anger. Anger never gets one anyone. When not expressed properly, it can really ruin things. Studies show that it is better to control anger than to express it.
I need more patience and less anger. Be slow to anger. I have such a quick temper, I need to explode less. I am not a volcano.
I need more patience and less anger. Be slow to anger. I have such a quick temper, I need to explode less. I am not a volcano.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
My attitude
Why am I thinking this way?? Why is my attitude and thinking now so selfish and self-absorbed? Have I been so influenced by him that I have lost empathy and kindness?
I cannot be like this. This will cause me more unhappiness. I dun wanna be unhappy. Why can't I have more faith in my own kid. Why can't I just enjoy the moment?
I used to be so forgiving and kind and never put anything bad presented to me to heart. I used to have such zest and enthusiasm to do things and have the courage to try new things. Why have I changed so much. Yes..I believe I have been influenced badly.
I just have to remember that he does not define me and that I don't have to think and act like he did. I am my own person. Whatever a person focus on expands. That matter has never bothered me. Only he seems so angry about it that it is beginning to bother me. But I feel what u can't change u have to accept. Acceptance is a smart way to deal with things.
I am who I am. I dun wanna be him or react like him to get his approval. Why do I need his approval. I dun need his approval to know that i am doing the right thing. He kept saying that everything that I did was wrong. Then what about him? Was what he was doing right? He was either trying to manipulate with his anger but choose to ignore everything. SO is that right??? I dun think so. So dun tell me I have been doing the wrong things. ANyway...who is he to judge what's right or wrong.
I am just too disappointed with this person. I was disappointed with him ten years ago..I am still disappointed with him now. Haha..some things dun change. I REALLY cannot stand him n o matter how much I try to psycho myself to.
Dunno how long I can stand this kind of life. At least I learnt one lesson...that is to always trust my heart and listen to my heart. My heart already told me that he is not the right one for me..yet I still went ahead with....sighzzz...I shouldn't have settled. I SHOULD have listened to my heart.
I cannot be like this. This will cause me more unhappiness. I dun wanna be unhappy. Why can't I have more faith in my own kid. Why can't I just enjoy the moment?
I used to be so forgiving and kind and never put anything bad presented to me to heart. I used to have such zest and enthusiasm to do things and have the courage to try new things. Why have I changed so much. Yes..I believe I have been influenced badly.
I just have to remember that he does not define me and that I don't have to think and act like he did. I am my own person. Whatever a person focus on expands. That matter has never bothered me. Only he seems so angry about it that it is beginning to bother me. But I feel what u can't change u have to accept. Acceptance is a smart way to deal with things.
I am who I am. I dun wanna be him or react like him to get his approval. Why do I need his approval. I dun need his approval to know that i am doing the right thing. He kept saying that everything that I did was wrong. Then what about him? Was what he was doing right? He was either trying to manipulate with his anger but choose to ignore everything. SO is that right??? I dun think so. So dun tell me I have been doing the wrong things. ANyway...who is he to judge what's right or wrong.
I am just too disappointed with this person. I was disappointed with him ten years ago..I am still disappointed with him now. Haha..some things dun change. I REALLY cannot stand him n o matter how much I try to psycho myself to.
Dunno how long I can stand this kind of life. At least I learnt one lesson...that is to always trust my heart and listen to my heart. My heart already told me that he is not the right one for me..yet I still went ahead with....sighzzz...I shouldn't have settled. I SHOULD have listened to my heart.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I need help
I need help. I cannot handle everything alone. But who can help me? No one. No one at all now. I feel so alone. So exhausted and tired of everything. So tired.
I need a break to recharge. I need to be me for a while.....
I can't think. Just that I wish to break out of this routine for a while. To clear my mind. To have a chance to relax.
I am so exhausted. Sighzzz......
I need a break to recharge. I need to be me for a while.....
I can't think. Just that I wish to break out of this routine for a while. To clear my mind. To have a chance to relax.
I am so exhausted. Sighzzz......
Monday, May 14, 2007
Super Foods
These are some foods that I should add to my diet to be healthier and slow down the aging process.
1. Garlic
2. Tomato Sauce ( 10 tablespoons a week)
3. Olive Oil
4. Spinach
5. Raw Nuts
*6. Promengranate
I'll try to add these to my diet as much as I can from now on.
1. Garlic
2. Tomato Sauce ( 10 tablespoons a week)
3. Olive Oil
4. Spinach
5. Raw Nuts
*6. Promengranate
I'll try to add these to my diet as much as I can from now on.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Cannot carry on like this
I really cannot go on like th is. I cannot be manipulated or controlled like this anymore. Really enough. There is a right way to love him and a wrong way. Giving him everything he wants and demands is definitely the wrong way to love him.
I cannot live my life like this anymore. It is too stressful. I cannot be controlled, manipulated and yet have to be overly cautious to the extent of obsessing anymore. It is too tiring going on like this. Whatever happens..let it happen. I have been running myself down trying to control this and that, feeling guilty when things go wrong and constantly worrying about when things will go wrong. It is too tiring already.. Time to let go of control...put things in God's hands and relax my mind. But that doesnt mean I allow danger to happen. Still have to be alert for danger. Other than that...I need to let go fo my own sanity, if not I will definitely end up going crazy. I cannot carry on living my life like this. It is too tiring. Whatever happens.....let it happen.
I dun wanna be overly worried, overly cautious, overly crazy, overly doing the right and perfect thing, letting my mind run in overdrive etc. Too tiring and stressful already. Time to relax and let imperfection take over. Whatever. What will be will be.
Time to let my mind take a much deserved rest. Dun be controlled anymore. Dun be afraid anymore. No fear....no worry and definitely no guilt.
Can't live my life like that. Whatever will be will be.
I cannot live my life like this anymore. It is too stressful. I cannot be controlled, manipulated and yet have to be overly cautious to the extent of obsessing anymore. It is too tiring going on like this. Whatever happens..let it happen. I have been running myself down trying to control this and that, feeling guilty when things go wrong and constantly worrying about when things will go wrong. It is too tiring already.. Time to let go of control...put things in God's hands and relax my mind. But that doesnt mean I allow danger to happen. Still have to be alert for danger. Other than that...I need to let go fo my own sanity, if not I will definitely end up going crazy. I cannot carry on living my life like this. It is too tiring. Whatever happens.....let it happen.
I dun wanna be overly worried, overly cautious, overly crazy, overly doing the right and perfect thing, letting my mind run in overdrive etc. Too tiring and stressful already. Time to relax and let imperfection take over. Whatever. What will be will be.
Time to let my mind take a much deserved rest. Dun be controlled anymore. Dun be afraid anymore. No fear....no worry and definitely no guilt.
Can't live my life like that. Whatever will be will be.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Good Mood
Hey I am in a pretty good mood now.........maybe I have talked today with people and I feel clearer in my thoughts...I dunno...just know I feel happpier...better. But I know there will be times when I will feel really bad...all the pain.
Sometimes I really wish I can just feel numb and not feel the pain that is inside me. It can get so unbearable. And the tension and the anxiety makes things so much worse. Migraine....makes it triply worse. Sigh...I am tired of coping....tired of dealing with demanding people and my health problems. SO tired...exhausted....
But I have to hang on..hang in there. I know I can do it if I try.
Sometimes I really wish I can just feel numb and not feel the pain that is inside me. It can get so unbearable. And the tension and the anxiety makes things so much worse. Migraine....makes it triply worse. Sigh...I am tired of coping....tired of dealing with demanding people and my health problems. SO tired...exhausted....
But I have to hang on..hang in there. I know I can do it if I try.
Me
I have a short term memory. I always forget what I wanna do just 2 seconds after thinking to myself that I wanna do it. I am going to log in to this blog and write about something that I was thinking about just now but once I logged in, I totally forgot what I wanted to write about. Sighzz..this always happens to me. So many times..isn't normal or am I going to be prematurely senile. I dunno...I sometimes can't think, can't focus....double sighzzzzzzzz......
Am I getting better or getting worse? I also dunno...I am just afraid of losing control. Maybe this is one of the many sypmtoms of anxiety disorders. I should not expect my depressive mood to lift overnight. It takes time...soemtimes a period of time so I have to be patient and do the things that I should do to help me in this area.
Just wanna destress and change my negative attitude into a more positive one...hope this helps...I just have to be persistent in this.
Sometimes in good times, I always think I can make it....but when times are bad...when I am in one of those moods...I think so negatively. Sigh...I have to control my thoughts....I have to try..........
Am I getting better or getting worse? I also dunno...I am just afraid of losing control. Maybe this is one of the many sypmtoms of anxiety disorders. I should not expect my depressive mood to lift overnight. It takes time...soemtimes a period of time so I have to be patient and do the things that I should do to help me in this area.
Just wanna destress and change my negative attitude into a more positive one...hope this helps...I just have to be persistent in this.
Sometimes in good times, I always think I can make it....but when times are bad...when I am in one of those moods...I think so negatively. Sigh...I have to control my thoughts....I have to try..........
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Movies
I am into watching movies on vcds again. It is great and kinda nice to escape to other worlds and forget reality for a while when I am watching a movie. No wonder there are so many couch potatoes in this world. Most people want to escape from the realities of life. I am so bored out of my mind most times that I do not know what to do.
Now I love watching movies again. Good to learn from things from the shows or merely just enjoy the entertainment. I love romantic comedies mostly. I also love heartwarming drama.
I used to be such a do-er. Now that I am becoming more passive by circumstances, I just have to make do with the action on TV. Hahhaha.....sighzzzzzzz...
Now I love watching movies again. Good to learn from things from the shows or merely just enjoy the entertainment. I love romantic comedies mostly. I also love heartwarming drama.
I used to be such a do-er. Now that I am becoming more passive by circumstances, I just have to make do with the action on TV. Hahhaha.....sighzzzzzzz...
Monday, May 7, 2007
Heck
Heck Heck Heck!! What's wrong with me??? What is really wrong with me? Boredom? Aimless? Sick of doing the same things everyday?
If only I think of one thing to be grateful for everyday and just be happy and thankful for that one thing that day...I will feel contentment and happiness. I ahev been oblivious and blind the the many good things here. Instead I have been focusing on all the negatives and for what??
If I am bored.....do somehting....anything interesting. Why sit around and whine at my boredom??? Pointless? If I am aimlesss...then find an aim...anything..no matter how small. If I am discontented...think of something nice to be thankful for.
I can snap out of it if I have the perserverence. But I guess I am kinda freefalling now cos I am too tired to keep trying. I am kinda struggling to stay afloat and not fall into the bottomless pit of despair. I guess I just wanna freefall a while cos I am just so exhausted. Back to be back on track. Time to change my attitude. I have to ...if n ot, I will never ever feel contentment or happiness. Why live this way? So unhappy all the time? Why? Not as things are really that bad??
What is wrong with me? My guess is I am really too bored....I am by myself too often...I am home too often...I have stopped having frens to talk to. Sigh....
I have really changed. I can't recognise myself anymore. I have changed since I become a full time mum. It was a slow but gradual change. I have managed to kill off the zestful self...slowly but surely. I cannot be at the bottom of my priorities anymore.
I have to take care of myself again. I need to have that motivation to do this. I cannot be wallowing in self-pity and stay in this depressive state for long. This is definitely taking a toll on my health. Emotional well-being really affects physical and mental well-being. I have to try. I have to. I have to get out of this state of inertia. I HAVE TO.
I just have to.
Focus on the positives, please. Please focus on the right things. Please.....pull myself together..please,please, please. I dun wanna rely on anti-depressants which may not work cos I am so sensitive to meds. Sigh..... I need to make baby steps...one step at a time in the right direction. I need to...I need to.........
I need to love and be loved again. I need to care again....I need to have fun again...I need to let go of all the worries and I need the zest in my life again. I need to try new things again! I need to be interested in things again. I need tobe positive........I need to so the things I feel like doing and which make me feel good.
I have to try. I dun wanna go on living like this....so unhappy.....so depressive.
I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. I have to do this for the pple who love me.
I have to learn to let go of trying to control......the situation....other people's behaviour and reactions. Only when I succeed in this then can I find true innerpeace and happiness. Give up control and just let go of all the worries. Guilt and worry are 2 really useless emotions that really get u nowhere...absolutely nowhere.
So someone I care about does not respond the way I want him to.....he acts in a way that I find hurtful so what do I do? Leave him alone....... give him space to sort things out so that he can behave better again. I need to have the patience and faith to leave him to his own feelings which sometimes have nothing to do with me. I need to learn acceptance of the situation, relinquish control and let go and let time take care of it. I cannot take care of it..TIME CAN.
If only I think of one thing to be grateful for everyday and just be happy and thankful for that one thing that day...I will feel contentment and happiness. I ahev been oblivious and blind the the many good things here. Instead I have been focusing on all the negatives and for what??
If I am bored.....do somehting....anything interesting. Why sit around and whine at my boredom??? Pointless? If I am aimlesss...then find an aim...anything..no matter how small. If I am discontented...think of something nice to be thankful for.
I can snap out of it if I have the perserverence. But I guess I am kinda freefalling now cos I am too tired to keep trying. I am kinda struggling to stay afloat and not fall into the bottomless pit of despair. I guess I just wanna freefall a while cos I am just so exhausted. Back to be back on track. Time to change my attitude. I have to ...if n ot, I will never ever feel contentment or happiness. Why live this way? So unhappy all the time? Why? Not as things are really that bad??
What is wrong with me? My guess is I am really too bored....I am by myself too often...I am home too often...I have stopped having frens to talk to. Sigh....
I have really changed. I can't recognise myself anymore. I have changed since I become a full time mum. It was a slow but gradual change. I have managed to kill off the zestful self...slowly but surely. I cannot be at the bottom of my priorities anymore.
I have to take care of myself again. I need to have that motivation to do this. I cannot be wallowing in self-pity and stay in this depressive state for long. This is definitely taking a toll on my health. Emotional well-being really affects physical and mental well-being. I have to try. I have to. I have to get out of this state of inertia. I HAVE TO.
I just have to.
Focus on the positives, please. Please focus on the right things. Please.....pull myself together..please,please, please. I dun wanna rely on anti-depressants which may not work cos I am so sensitive to meds. Sigh..... I need to make baby steps...one step at a time in the right direction. I need to...I need to.........
I need to love and be loved again. I need to care again....I need to have fun again...I need to let go of all the worries and I need the zest in my life again. I need to try new things again! I need to be interested in things again. I need tobe positive........I need to so the things I feel like doing and which make me feel good.
I have to try. I dun wanna go on living like this....so unhappy.....so depressive.
I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. I have to do this for the pple who love me.
I have to learn to let go of trying to control......the situation....other people's behaviour and reactions. Only when I succeed in this then can I find true innerpeace and happiness. Give up control and just let go of all the worries. Guilt and worry are 2 really useless emotions that really get u nowhere...absolutely nowhere.
So someone I care about does not respond the way I want him to.....he acts in a way that I find hurtful so what do I do? Leave him alone....... give him space to sort things out so that he can behave better again. I need to have the patience and faith to leave him to his own feelings which sometimes have nothing to do with me. I need to learn acceptance of the situation, relinquish control and let go and let time take care of it. I cannot take care of it..TIME CAN.
Enough
Enough about rules. I just wanna follow my heart and do whatever pleases me. Just do everything in moderation. Dun think too much...just do it if I feel like it. No rules. Moderation.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Bad Mood
I am in a real bad mood today. I hate to stay home on a weekend. I hate him screaming at me for such a trivial matter. I hate all these...really..I am so tired...exhausted...depressed. I feel like crying all the time..non -stop being sad. Am I really suffering from depression? I can't be. I thought I can control myself and my mood but it turns out that I cannot. I am so scared of myself . I am totally out of control at times. What am I to do? And I have this persistent inertia and low mood but I dun wanna take anti-depressants cos I dun want the side effects. I will try to battle my depression but I am just so afraid of losing control of myself.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Dun wanna be her
I dun wnna end up like my mother. That is my greatest fear. My mum is really a poor victim of her circumstances.. I dun wanna end up like her...I DUN WANT!
I and her are pretty similar. I told myself that I am too smart to be like her or end up like her but recently I really have this fear cos I am beginning to feel terrible.
I dun want my marriage to end up like my parent's.........cos theirs is based solely on sex and not companionship. Mine is more or less the same. I dun want mine to be like theirs when the sex goes. Sigh...
I dun wanna end up like my mum...ill health...stressed...depressed...
run down. :(
I have to improve on my health and mood and not stressed and be relaxed. I wanna be happy.......
I and her are pretty similar. I told myself that I am too smart to be like her or end up like her but recently I really have this fear cos I am beginning to feel terrible.
I dun want my marriage to end up like my parent's.........cos theirs is based solely on sex and not companionship. Mine is more or less the same. I dun want mine to be like theirs when the sex goes. Sigh...
I dun wanna end up like my mum...ill health...stressed...depressed...
run down. :(
I have to improve on my health and mood and not stressed and be relaxed. I wanna be happy.......
My Comeback
Thinking, Feeling, Sensing and Acting....which area of my life is being chipped away?
Who Am I?
What is the one thing that is missing from my life?
How am I going to answer these questions.
I think more more. I guess I have more idle time to think more and the worse thing is I think more negatively. I feel more too. More negative emotions...depression.....resetment...hopelessness. My sensing is not as good as before..and I drfinitely take no action in anything now.
Who AM I? I dunno....Am I existing? Yes I am , not living.
What is missing from my life? Proper meals.....Proper, nutritious meals and company and friends.
I can't do anything..I am stuck in a state of non action.
Who Am I?
What is the one thing that is missing from my life?
How am I going to answer these questions.
I think more more. I guess I have more idle time to think more and the worse thing is I think more negatively. I feel more too. More negative emotions...depression.....resetment...hopelessness. My sensing is not as good as before..and I drfinitely take no action in anything now.
Who AM I? I dunno....Am I existing? Yes I am , not living.
What is missing from my life? Proper meals.....Proper, nutritious meals and company and friends.
I can't do anything..I am stuck in a state of non action.
Need some company
Sometimes I feel, I just need some company...I need someone to talk to and so things with.
I will have it......:P
Here's to a new attitude in life :)
I will have it......:P
Here's to a new attitude in life :)
Hope and Zest
I have definitely lost my zest in life. I remember myself when I was younger. I was a totally different person. I had so much zest and love for life then. I love to try and do new things. I had so many interests. I am enthusiastic to do things. Now I am just in a state of inertia, stuck in depression and unable to move forward.
Maybe I have lost hope in my life....or maybe I am thinking that there is nothing interesting to look forward to in my own life. I dunno. I am just stuck in a state of bad health of moodiness and depression and inertia. I cant move, I can't think positive and I can't get myself motivated. I wonder what has happened to me? How did I get myself to be in such a state? I think I am slowly killing myself...slowly I am deterioting. WIthout even realising it...I have dropped out from the game of life. Instead of being a participant which I was...I was the kind who make things happen...now I am merely an observer..someone who watches what happens and not take action. That is me now. I am beginning to hate myself for this. I am angry with myself for pushing myself to the limit and neglecting my own needs to the extent that I have become this walking zombie that I am now. I have unknowing caused myself to be in this state cos I pushed myself too much and had not cared for myself properly for a long time.
I am really angry with myself..thus the depression. Depression is definitely anger turned inward. Sigh......the question is...how to get out if this and reclaim my life? The life I once had which I thought was so exciting and fun? When can I ever do the things I love to do...not worry.....just throw caution to the wind...not plan...not think.....not nag.....just look forward to doing the fun things I love to do everyday?
I feel trapped ......I feel stuck...I feel that I am in a self jail...self trapping....not doing anything...not knowing what to do with myself....aimless.....no direction...moody..unhappy.........no motivation to do anything.
My world has suddenly become so small. No one to talk to...no one to be with. Tons of things I SHOULD do which I dun feel like doing. Things that I MUST do. SIgh...tired. I feel so tired, exhausted, weary. I can't go on. Mentally I am always full to the brim with things to do. Emotionally I am empty, physically, I am burnt out. Spiritually? I dun even have a spiritual side now. I am a total robot. Mechanical, unhappy, walking zombie.
Maybe I need new friends. SOmeone to help me regain the zest that I have. I have to rediscover my hobbies and start doing things I love again. Sometimes I really feel th is man reallly has a part in me feeling so bad right now. Maybe I had put too many eggs in this basket...it is time to spread my eggs out.
Truthfully, I cannot stand this man. He is wishy washy, timid and a scaredy cat... I find n o security in him. I feel that I cannot even depend on him. I find that I have to rely on myself more....even in parenting our kid. He has loads of excuses why he is not disciplining our kid but I dun buy it. He is just too weak. Although I appreciate the fact that he does things around the house but still..I still feel no security with him.
I definitely need more positive influences in my life. More things to do taht I truely enjoy. I need to LIVE again...not just exist day to day stuck at home thinking negative thoughts...self trapping...faing negative influences.........I need connection to the world again.
Can I do it? Yes.
Maybe I have lost hope in my life....or maybe I am thinking that there is nothing interesting to look forward to in my own life. I dunno. I am just stuck in a state of bad health of moodiness and depression and inertia. I cant move, I can't think positive and I can't get myself motivated. I wonder what has happened to me? How did I get myself to be in such a state? I think I am slowly killing myself...slowly I am deterioting. WIthout even realising it...I have dropped out from the game of life. Instead of being a participant which I was...I was the kind who make things happen...now I am merely an observer..someone who watches what happens and not take action. That is me now. I am beginning to hate myself for this. I am angry with myself for pushing myself to the limit and neglecting my own needs to the extent that I have become this walking zombie that I am now. I have unknowing caused myself to be in this state cos I pushed myself too much and had not cared for myself properly for a long time.
I am really angry with myself..thus the depression. Depression is definitely anger turned inward. Sigh......the question is...how to get out if this and reclaim my life? The life I once had which I thought was so exciting and fun? When can I ever do the things I love to do...not worry.....just throw caution to the wind...not plan...not think.....not nag.....just look forward to doing the fun things I love to do everyday?
I feel trapped ......I feel stuck...I feel that I am in a self jail...self trapping....not doing anything...not knowing what to do with myself....aimless.....no direction...moody..unhappy.........no motivation to do anything.
My world has suddenly become so small. No one to talk to...no one to be with. Tons of things I SHOULD do which I dun feel like doing. Things that I MUST do. SIgh...tired. I feel so tired, exhausted, weary. I can't go on. Mentally I am always full to the brim with things to do. Emotionally I am empty, physically, I am burnt out. Spiritually? I dun even have a spiritual side now. I am a total robot. Mechanical, unhappy, walking zombie.
Maybe I need new friends. SOmeone to help me regain the zest that I have. I have to rediscover my hobbies and start doing things I love again. Sometimes I really feel th is man reallly has a part in me feeling so bad right now. Maybe I had put too many eggs in this basket...it is time to spread my eggs out.
Truthfully, I cannot stand this man. He is wishy washy, timid and a scaredy cat... I find n o security in him. I feel that I cannot even depend on him. I find that I have to rely on myself more....even in parenting our kid. He has loads of excuses why he is not disciplining our kid but I dun buy it. He is just too weak. Although I appreciate the fact that he does things around the house but still..I still feel no security with him.
I definitely need more positive influences in my life. More things to do taht I truely enjoy. I need to LIVE again...not just exist day to day stuck at home thinking negative thoughts...self trapping...faing negative influences.........I need connection to the world again.
Can I do it? Yes.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Hold My Tongue
It is wise to know when to hold my tongue. Sometimes it is better not to say somethings than say them. Although I have this bad urge to say whatever that comes to my mind, it is still better not to say somethings which I know I will regret saying or will bring harm to the other person.
It is better to be wise than to cause all the bad things when I say things I shouldn't have said.
It is really wise to know when to hold your tongue.
It is better to be wise than to cause all the bad things when I say things I shouldn't have said.
It is really wise to know when to hold your tongue.
The Surrendered Wife
I am going to be the surrendered wife from now on. I am going to leave him alone when he is in one of those moods instead of confronting him and having an argument as a result. It is better for me to give him space than to talk to him and convince him of anything which will not get through to his brain when he is in one of those moods.
So, to prevent any unnecessary conflicts and needless quarrels, it is BETTER to give him the space during these times. I am not his therapist nor his mother so I am not responsible to deal with his issues. Unless he asks me for assistance, I will just leave him alone. Leave him to deal with his own issues.
Scolding and nagging do not motivate so no point being a pain when he will definitely not listen. So , dun waste time and re-channel my energy into something more positive.
Quarrels are just to convince the other party to our thinking...so when we dun try to convince, there will be no quarrels. Accept the situation rather than aiming to change it when I know very well that it cannot be changed.
So why create unnecessary touble for myself. Might as well put my energy into taking good care of myself and making myself happier. Avoid situations that will trigger off all the unpleasantness and arguments.
I am the surrendered wife....which is not a bad thing but a necessary part to my survival here. Better not to be in situations that will be triggers. :)
I am surrendered but at peace.....and happy......:)
So, to prevent any unnecessary conflicts and needless quarrels, it is BETTER to give him the space during these times. I am not his therapist nor his mother so I am not responsible to deal with his issues. Unless he asks me for assistance, I will just leave him alone. Leave him to deal with his own issues.
Scolding and nagging do not motivate so no point being a pain when he will definitely not listen. So , dun waste time and re-channel my energy into something more positive.
Quarrels are just to convince the other party to our thinking...so when we dun try to convince, there will be no quarrels. Accept the situation rather than aiming to change it when I know very well that it cannot be changed.
So why create unnecessary touble for myself. Might as well put my energy into taking good care of myself and making myself happier. Avoid situations that will trigger off all the unpleasantness and arguments.
I am the surrendered wife....which is not a bad thing but a necessary part to my survival here. Better not to be in situations that will be triggers. :)
I am surrendered but at peace.....and happy......:)
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