No more anger manipulation

No matter how stressed or how frustrated a person...does not give the person the excuse to have anger outbursts. Always treat people the way you want to be treated.

No matter what happens..when I am very angry..I need to take time out instead of lashing out at others. Be more in control of my emotions. Anger, especially destructive anger, does not solve anything. Instead it becomes a problem.

I promise I will NEVER EVER beat my kid again. Beating him is a wrong way of disciplining him. Also dun ever lash out at him again. DUn think that is very good for his self esteem.

I wanna take up some new hobbies...........baking...dancing......laughing....

Need to really get away from toxic angry people..........stay away from their destructive anger. And dun ever be a victim to his anger again. DUN ALLOW him to do anymore damage to me.

Be happy and have fun and laugh as an individual. No one can take away my right to be happy. No matter how he behave...or what he does..I will n ot let it affect me again.

I am going to be kind to my kid no matter. Dun harshly scold him again.

Quotes someone gave me

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference"

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
~Mother teresa

"It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui. ~ Helen Keller"

"I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journeywork of the stars"
-- Walt Whitman

Mental Blocks

Recently I have been getting mental blacks......and I have been so forgetful..it is scary. Maybe I have been thinking too much lately...too many things on my mind.

When can I let go of all my thoughts? When can I feel mentally free...not totally but at least lighter?

I have a few goals now. At least I have hope now. Not as aimless and hopeless as last time.

Lessons..I have learnt so far:

1. Never be controlled by my own emotions. It is better to be more emotionless most times. People who are controlled by their emotions will never succeed in life.

2. Can never change people and who they really are inside. Trying to control or force them to behave the way I want is asking for trouble. Totally futile. So...leave them be.....

3. When there is an anger outburst....SIMPLY WALK AWAY. DUN stay and fight...cos staying and fight will damage me and give me battle scars.

4.Quarreling is just trying to convince the other person to my point of view. When there is no convincing, there is no quarreling. Conflicts do not solve anything.

5. Be the bigger person. Be more matured and handle things maturedly.

6. Never ever quarrel in front of my kid cos this will damage him and change who he is inside.

7. Focus on myself first. Live my own life..not every one else's.

8. This is a realistic world. Money is still important.

9. Need to have more knowledge. Learn as much as possible. This will pay in the long run.

10. Of cos health is the most important. Nothing can be done without good health. Not just phyical...mental, emotional and spiritual as well. So make sure I take care of myself well. Eat well....exercise..relax..have fun.

Why happiness deludes me?

My OCD is causing me unhappiness. And also my over indulgence in my routie and being inflexible. It is like I am living my kid's life with no interest of my own or life of my own. I have cut down on my own enjoyments so much. I seldom do fun things just for myself. I dun do things just to enjoy myself much anymore.

I always do things I SHOULD...never do things I WANNA.

My life is great. It really is...it is better ..much better now. Yet I still dun feel the happiness...nor any elation. Or feel mental freedom.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????????????????????

Just look at me as an individual. No responsibilities and obligations. All those aside...I should be damn happy. Cos I have a good life now. Maybe I worry too much. I try to control too much. I care too much. I want things to be perfect too much.

Yeah..that is why...............

I have to change my mindset if I wanna be happy. I need to open up myself and my heart again. Dance as if no one is watching..love as if you have never been hurt.

I need to find that simplicity and that innocence in life again.

Life is great..BELIEVE IT................

Reinventing myself

So fed up with my life now. So fed up with the people esp him. Sick of being stepped on and judged all the time. Sick of hearing the same nonsense from the same people. Sick and tired of everything. And this is not my hormones talking. Tired, exhausted and drained.

I need to reinvent myself, I need to be a new and improved. I need a new direction in my life. Some motivation to get going again. I cannot help but wonder ....is this all there is. I am too young to be living the life of retiree and see myself wasting away. See my phyisical body wasting away. I have not been taking good care of myself at all and it is showing signs all over.

Let's start with the physical. I have already changed my hair. I need to improve my diet, exercise, tone, take care of my face...reduce wrinkles, moisturise..get rid of black heads. And maitain my complexion again. I had not done that for the longest time. I have , sort of, given up on me. ANd all becos I am so depressed over this person. SO what if he is such a freaking jerk. Disregard him la. I have been too sad for too long already. Time to move on and LIVE my life. This is my life. I have free will. No one can take that away from me. I have to live my life according to what I want and think is right. Do not care about other people's judgements and criticisms and approval. They have no right to impose their irrational thinking me.

Then mental. I need to let go of all the hatred, grudges..whatever that is clouding my mind. Think positive. Laugh more.

Emotionally I need to love my kid more. Be more emotionless in other aspects. LIfe is happier if one is not emotionally too attached and learn not to be too emotional over everything.

Spiritually..there is God..........

Also...aim for financial independence..cos that will lead to physical independence.

From today I am changing myself and as a symbol of that..I am changing my name as well......................

My Role Model

She is definitely my role model. If I can look like her at her age....wow.
I wanna aim to look like her at that age. I wanna tone upself up..keep young. Maintain. Keep a positive outlook. Live my dreams. Stop worrying.

My OCD is due to my anxiety ad my anxiety is due to my inability to relax. I need to RELAX. I need to get over my anxiety...heal my OCD.

Take up some new hobbies....Have some times to myself relaxing.....Exercise.....................treat myself better.

Stop having angry outbursts. Destructive anger is just too damaging. Very damaging to my physical health also. Need to do more things to keep myself happy so as to keep my hormones balanced.

I cannot go on in this state anymore. I need to heal myself.
Starting NOW.

Independence

From today onwards , I will work hard towards being fully independent...starting from being emotionally independent.

Invest in myself..invest in my well-being.
For a start..eat well. Exercise....TONE UP. Have a new lifestyle.
Treat others with kindness. Be kind to others and to myself.
Be financially independent. Learn More.
Also...HEAL myself. Baby steps at a time.

After all...all I have is myself...other things I thought I have are all illusions.

Work hard towards this..I know this will pay off.