Meditation

Meditation is a fine-tuning device where we sit still and we tune and tune and tune until we get the most clear and still station which is your soul......

Thinking

I am the type of person who thinks too much, analyses too much..plans too much. Sometimes I should just relax my mind and leave things to God. So mentally exhausting. Need to totally detox all these bad thoughts.

I guess I am the type also who dislikes change and like to be in the comfort zone no matter how bad the comfort zone can be. I had already hated this relationship from the start and at the back of my mid, I already knew that this r/s is not suitable for me at all. Yet I stayed on cos of the comfort zone and also cos I am not the type who likes to initiate breakup. So I kinda self-sabotage this r/s throughtout the yrs , maying subconsciously hoping that I can get rid of it. Yeah..how dumb...just cos I am weak and not firm in my decisions and also too soft hearted. Sometimes I dun really care about my needs as long as things are convenient which I think really cause me to waste so much of my precious time and so many years of my precious youth.

So I had better stick to what I truly want and be brave to pursue what I really truly want out of my life. I need to be brave...feel the fear but do it anywhere. I need to think of my own needs for a change from now onwards. Stop being a doormat. Stop tolerating so as to stay in the comfort zone. Start living the life tat I want and be with the people I wanna be with. Dun ever force myself anymore for the sake of convenience.

Start living and enjoying life on my own terms from now onwards no matter what others say. They can say what thsy like....this is my life after all. Peace.

Walk away

The more I walk away....the further I go...the better I feel. Cool. Still detoxing my mind....too many thoughts sometimes. Need to clear mind and not mentally strain it. Relax..life is still good. Hhehehhe...yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love ME!!

Too soft-hearted

I am too soft-hearted and too forgiving. That's why I am always exploited and manipulated and made use of by people. Sigh..I guess this is me..the softie. Sigh..

I can never be as cruel as others. I can never win. Then again.. I have never wanted to win. I have always wanted to be loved and accepted..that's all. Is that too hard? Sigh..Feeling really disheartened. Why oh why? I just want to be loved.

Never Look Back

OK....fine...Never Look Back.....

Done...good.

A promise to myself

I hereby promise myself that no matter what happen..I will take good care of myself everyday. Love myself no matter how I feel. Even when I feel bad..sad...hopeless...problems not solved..whatever. DUN SWEAT IT. Just love myself and just do all the things to take good care of myself.

I must know...this is not the end of the world. This is a blessing in disguise. It will be worse if I dun care about myself. Focus on God and all will be fine.

Need to take really good care of myself and my kid.

OCD

I must be cured of my OCD in 6 mths!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go for counselling for div matters. CCC/chur

Send boy for counselling.

Start IM.

New Motto

Live so that at the end of each day, you can say, "I did my very best." That's what it means to excel at the great game of life.

Main concern

I think my biggest worry is my kid now. My main concern is that he will not be overly affected by the whole ordeal. I want him to grow up emotionally healthy and happy with lots of love. Also safely. Sigh...he is a boy which makes things tougher.

I am angry. Of cos I am angry. Who won't? But what use is anger? I am equally stressed. Do u think I am not strssed up everyday till burnout? Things are not easy for me as well. Why act in such a cruel manner. Only add to ur immaturity.

I had long expected this so ,more or less, it is a relief for me. I am more stressed with my boy nowadays. Totally absurd behaviour. He needs counselling really. ASAP.

I dun wanna be bitter over this. What point is bitterness? We are all adults here. Let's act more maturedly. If u wanna act so immatured and childish..so be it. That is your choice. I just dun wanna prt of that negative energy. Life goes on. Change is the only constant in this world anyway.

My boy is definitely driving me crazy with his absurd extreme behaviours. I am so damn stressed manz. Really feel so stressed yet feel so helpless. I am already having my hands full with the divorce...yet I still have to deal with this stress. SO tired. Really so tired. WTF is wrong with him?? I am so drained.

I am stressed till I am oblivious to everything else. I am so stressed till I have anxiety and OCD. If this goes on..I will surely break down. WHat am I to do? I need to get him into counselling ASAP. So sad. Really feel like crying. One minute he is fine..next minute he is all weird. Arghhhh....I cannot take it anymore. I really cannot take it anymore. And my ex just bail out and gave the excuse that the boy is abnormal. That's it. Leaving me with all these on my own and yet still have the cheek to want custody? Sigh...ironical.

I had long known that my marriage will end. Now coupled with the stress of the kid..it is ending faster than I thought. But then again..better sooner than later. At least I dun have to waste any more youth in this not that I have any youth left. Why is my boy so problematic? So tired. What is wrong with him?

I had never been happy in this marriage. I had long known that my ex is the type who cannot relate to people or have any kind of meaningful relationship with people. I just dun feel that kind of emotional connection with him. Everything was far too superficial. Sex cannot sustain a marriage. COmpanionship and friendship will. But I dun feel close to him. I doubt he is the type who can be close to anyone.

More or less..this is a relief for me. But of cos..after 12 years together..there are lots of memories. Well...let them be just that....memories. End of this chapter.

The beginning of another new, better, chapter.

Letting Go Finally

This is the end of a chapter in my life. Finally..it is over. After all the thoughts in my head, all the unhappiness , all the stupid happenings. I am so tired now. Lack of sleep as well as thinking too much..mental overload. I feel so alone now. The house seem so quiet. Everything seems depressing. I know it is better to end now than later. It is a blessing that it ends now and not another 5 to ten years later. That will be more disastrous. I had always known it will end this way somehow. Just that I always have no courage to be totally firm. This is a blessing in disguise but of cos the pain is still there. I am after all human. And after all I had spent 12 years of my life with this person. 12 long years. I dun believe it. Gone just like that. The reality of life is cruel sometimes. I know I was not on my best behaviour. I had not done lots of things I was supposed to. Let's just say I was not motivated by love. I cannot define love. But I know we had no connection, hence all the unnecessary conflicts. Too tired. Yet still painful. The uncertainty about the future is killing me. Especially towards my kid..I have a fear. I do not want anything bad to happen to him. He will have more trouble adjusting but I guess in time, everything will turn out alright. Just need getting used to.

I am relieved somehow. No need to be on my guard anymore. No need to wonder why anymore. No need to be upset anymore. I wish the chatter in my brain will stop. Too many thoughts. I am so mentally tired.

I already know he is not the type who will solve problems. He only know how to run away whenever there is an inconvenience or not the right feeling. Whatever. I already know. Maybe I was in denial hoping that I was wrong about him. But it turns out, I was right all along. My intuition was right all along. Haha...somuch time wasted and for what?

I need to turn my pain into strength for myself and to help others overcome similar pain. I will go for counselling. I will survive. Takes time. Time will heal as it always does. Be kinder to myself from now on.

I still have myself. And I love myself. I really do. I will make it. Help me God.

Tired

I am tired of all the mind games. Tired of everything. He is always angry. Always. What use is anger? I am tired of it. I am tired of having to be on my guard all the time. Tired.

I saw that woman kept blinking. And now I am doing it. I saw that woman washing her hands obsessively..and now I am doing it. He was making sounds due to stress. And now my turn. I was lying on my bed and I was regretting that I had ruined my health cos of all these. Ireally regret it. I cannot ruin my health further. I need to be healed. Life is too fragile.

Need to be financially independent as well. Invest in myself. The rest..let it be.

Innerpeace.

Eliminate anger

I think my resolution for today is....eliminate anger totally. If I want to be in good health , I have to get rid of all my anger responses. Eventually anger will destroy me..I have to nip it in the bud once and for all. If I am going to continue to have an anger outburst everyday..it is going to be bad for me.

Let go....

A New Start

Forgive and forget. Focus on the right things from now on. I have always resisted. Time to embrace instead. Take this as a life purpose. The difference between my sis and I is that she has always taken taking care of her family as a life purpose. But I have always thought of it as a waste of my time. Perhaps this attitude has made it more difficult for me to accept my responsibilities. I have to change my perspetive. Sometimes mental freedom is enough. No one can have a total physical freedom.

Need to refocus on the right things. Develope interests in the things that I should do. Have the discipline to do things that I should so that I can have the time to enjoy the things that I want to do.

Heal myself.....have faith in God. treat this as my life purpose....then I will feel productive instead of feeling that I am wastingmy life.

I can do things simultaneously. I can fulfil all my responsibilities as well as focus on attaining my dreams and spending time on my passions. Strike a balance in everything. Then I will not feel that I am wasting away my time.

I need to achieve financial stability and freedom. A goal to work towards.
Also...I need to clear my head and brain of all the negative thoughts and all the rules. Learn to rely more on my intuition and God. Pray and let go of things that I cannot control. Control the things that I can. Like my attitude.

Here's a toast to a new start for me. I wanna go with the flow..dun try to swim upstream anymore. Too tiring. Let my intuition and my heart lead me more from now on.

I hate this stupid deja vu

Always like that. I really hate this. Going on and on. I hate this. I dun wanna be upset or angry over this again. I wanna relax. I cant relaz after an anger outburst and I feel unwell too. I hate this. I really dun wanna be in this vicious circle anymore.

Banish Anger

Need to banish anger for my own health's sake. So tired for what? Not taking any negative energies from anyone. Not letting anyone mess me up anymore. I feel that when I am away from all these negative people , I actually feel better.

No more anger. No point ruining my health. Need to live life happily. Let others do what they want. I dun wana change or control anymore.

Mind Freedom.

Get Away

I have to get away from negative people and their negative energies. Sianz..
I need to change my thinking and pespective of things from now. I know what my goals and plans now so just learn and do my best.

Need to change my lifestyle though. I know what changes I have to make. So do them.
Hang in there.
I guess I have to give up trying to change people or try to control things. Sometimes it is better to accept rather than change or control.

I know now it is not me that causes all those things. It is just who he is.

I should shift my focus cos what one focus on will expand.

Sometimes loving is letting go. What is the point to say that I will be happy when I have this or dun have that...........just be happy now.

Hurt no more.

I am tired. Very tired. You cannot imgaine how tired I feel at this moment. I am so mentally exhausted. Most of all ..my heart is tired. I just dun wanna feel hurt anymore. I dun wanna tread on eggshells anymore. What kind of a relationship is this? I always thought I DUN HAVE a choice. That I have to accept all the hurt and negativity. Now I feel..I do indeed have a choice. Why I I accept the hurt? Why should I be hurt over and over again? WHy why Why??? I am too sick and tired already. If this relationship is going to hurt so much...then I dun want it. Love should not hurt. It has hurt for far too long. That most trust and faith are gone.
It seems too fragile. Over small trivial stuff. I dun wanna explain myself anymore. I dun wanna think or analyse anymore. I dun wanna be emotional anymore. If it does not feel good...then forget it. I am too tired. Words canot describe how tired I am. Plus all the boredom. Sianz.

Give up..really given up. I need a life makeover. I need a lifestyle makeover. I need a new life. I need to shift my focus..I really do. I am enough. I rather be by myself than be with someone who hurts me all the time and has no reservations doing so. Sick of all the cruelty etc. Tired..extremely tired.

I need a rest. I need a break form all these emotional turmoil. A much needed rest.Love should be healthy. Healthy love. Positive energy.

The Road back to who I used to be

I need to heal. It will be a long tedious road but I will heal and I will be triumphant.

Reason for depression

I doubt his behaviour will ever change. He has been like this for as long as I know
him. That is 12 long years.

I really hate it when he gets angry with me for the slightest thing, give me silent treatment, dun reply when I speak to him and his rolling his eyes at me and of cos all his cruel judgements and criticims about me. Now I knwo there is a name for this. Emotional abuse. No wonder I am so depressed all the time. How can I be happy when I have to tread on eggshells everyday? One small thing and BAM! All the anger manipulation, silent treatment etc. Getting so tiring.

I always thought that I HAVE TO ACCEPT all these hurt from him. Now I realise I DUN HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!! Why should I?

I am sick and tired and tolerating all these. I am sick and tired of accepting all these from him. I can honestly say that I have never been happy cos of the way he treats me. I doubt I ever will be happy if he continues to treat me this way. He can never change. He will never change cos he does not know the seriousness of it. And even if he does...he will not care or bother to change.

He will be in a rare good mood for a few days and then it will be back to square one. So tired. I am alreasdy thorougly exhausted by his behaviour. This is somehting I can never accept and I can never force myself to accpet.

Now I really feel that I will feel so much less depressed when I am not with this person and walking on eggshells and dreading his next anger episode and silent treatment. I really hate this. I just want to be happy. I can still have friends who will give me positive energy instead of all the negative ones.

Him treating me well will not last. There will always be a reason for him to be angry with me again no matter how trivial and the silent treatment and anger manipulation will begin. I hate it when he keeps gving me the black face. Who does he think he is to do this to me? I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS AGAIN.

This really happens too often already. Almost everyday. I am really tired. Really exhausted. I wanna be happy agian no matter what. I hate the insecurity that anytime he will silet treatment again.

I hate this emotional abuse. I wanna break free. I really want to no matter what.

A new life

I need a new life. I need a friend and I need a job. I need to get well. I can do it.

This is it

I dunno what to say. Just feel very tired of all the anger manipulation and the silent treatment and the withdrawal and rejection. There is no deep communication or sharing or even basic respect towards me. Lots of emotional abuse involved. I dun think I can tolerate all these much longer.

I have never been happy in this relationship cos of all the silent treatment and anger. Unhappy for 12 long years. What makes me think that things can get better?
I persevered and for what? More hurt and meanness and pain from this person. He does not deserve my kindness and patience. He takes me so much for granted.

It is really time to give up. I have to stop being so si xin yan. No matter what I do..it is not going to change anything. This is the way it is. Fated. A mistake form the start. I have to admit that I have made a wrong choice. Indeed, I cannot neglect my heart anymore. Just because I have health problems means that I cannot follow my heart? MY heart says that this is wrong and bad for me. I stay because my health is so poor? I deserve freedom of choice even though my health is poor. This will be a big regret forever if I continue to tolerate.

I need to have a new life. I need to get a job and depend on myself. I need to have new friends. And I need to stop accepting and taking nonsense from people. I need to get rid of this guilt that he dump on me. He has never been my friend. I have had enough. It wasnt totally my fault definitely. He made me into who I am today and I hate it. No more. I cannot be anywhere near this person. He has given me enough depression.

Parenting

What makes a successful parent? I guess it is someone who can bring up a child who is able to achieve his independence sooner. A parent who can bring up an independent child is a good parent. I guess I have failed miserably in this. My kid is full of fears and insecurities and extremely clingy to me and he is nine. Imagine the stress I feel with his behaviour.

Why is he like this? Am I being over protective? DId I do too many things for him?
Did I make too many decisions for him? Did I control him too much? What did I do wrong ? Why is he behaving like this?

I am extremely tired. Totally exhausted. No words to describe how I feel. Really helpless.

I am a different person

I am not who I used to be. I really felt the change in me. I want different things now. Ihave a different perspective in life. I really have no interest in things that used to be so important to me. I really feel that it is a change for the better. Keep this up.

Passion

They say passion is the greatest attitude to be cultivated. It is definitely better to wake up every morning with zest and enthusiasm than to dread the day. So when one has a passion, one will definitely wake up every morning with so much enthusiasm and energy that dreading will have no part in it. So..I guess I wana have a passion.

I used to ahve such zest and interst in everything. Now I am so bored with everything. But I am sure things are going to change from now on.

Pathetic

Sometimes I find myself really pathetic. Really. I hate all my unnecessary suffering. Why should I accet the egative energy of others. I have decided that I should be emotionally detached from all sabotagers from now on. No point allowing them to drag me down. Why should I give them permission to drag me down.

As the song goes, " You are beautiful no matter what they say...words can't bring you down.........." Yeah....Why Should I depend on other people's approval or actions for my won happiness? They can be as immatured as they want. I want NO part of that. No point. I will not accept the negative energy from that man particularly.

Life is still worth living. He has given me so much unhappiness for years. I guess I am really sick of being at his mercy for that. Why should I be ? Who does he think he is anyway? So for now...not matter what he does...it will not bother me anymore. I will not accept negative energy amymore.

Life is still filled with love. Kindness still helps. Be kind to myself and to others. I will definitely be kinder to myself. As to others..I will only be kind to those who truly deserve my kindness. Yeah...I am wiser. Not as dumb or soft-hearted as before.

Gratitude

I once read of a housewife who had four kids and who was quarreling with her husband everyday and complained a lot about her life. Her pastor told her one word which changed her life forever. And that word is "gratitude".

How many of us had forgotten how to be grateful to the simple things in life? We had all forgotten to be grateful for what we had. Rather we were focsing so much on things we do n ot have. Our focus should shift back to what we have. Focus on the glass half full, n ot half empty.

I have not paid much attention to gratitude lately. I should. Instead of thinking of all the things that I SHOULD have and obsessing with what life SHOULD be...I need to pay attention to the things I already have and be more grateful for them.

It is too much pressure being a prefectionist. Why even try? Life is as it is.
Just being is good enough. Being in the now. Being contented. Being grateful. Embrace rather than reject. Go with the flow...

Who says life is going to be easy? take everything as learning ecperiences. It will not be easy adopting such an attitude but it is better to have a positive approach rather than a negative one. Positive energy is always better.

Just like I am more or less having a mental block now but who cares? Just being is good enough.

Better to love than to hate.

What am I doing?

Have I given up? Am I going to just give up like this? I am unhappy..y not look for ways to make myself happier? I should be detached from all problems. I should be happy then. Y close myself up? I need to open up my heart....open up my mind for a new persective in life. LIfe is wat u make of it. We create hope for ourselves. Y be so concerned/worried about the future? Focus on here and NOW.

I cannot go on like this anymore. It is a road of self destructio. Not good for myself. FOr the sake of everyone who loves me...I need to pull myself together and focus on the simple joys and also try new things. I need to start living again. Do not live in fear. No matter what...fear paralyses a person. I shold let to let go and go with the flow of life. Relax and let life take me wherever. Is there a need to be perfect? Is there any use worrying? We have lesser control than we think so y bother? I have to get out of this..I have to. I need to have the determination and will power.

Get away from toxic people and negative energy. Have new positive energy into my life. I need that.


Have 3 blogs. Start exercising. Start meditating. Start putting my face masks. Start eating veggies/fruits. Start cooking. Start having fun. Start enjoying my time. Start having joy. Start listening to music. Start ignoring illogical thoughts.

Start enjoying the mornings. Start going for walks. Start having hope. Start feeling the happiness no matter how little at first.

Start loving myself. Start being kind to myself no matter what others say.

I hate myself

I really hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself for not having the guts to follow my heart. For being too practical. For having such a high tolerance level. For giving in to unreasonable demands. For forcing things that can never be to be something that I want. For not listening to my body when it is overloaded with too much stress. For forcing myself over my own limits which are unhealthy for me. For not taking care of myself properly. For listeing and believing other people's destructive criticisms and n ot believing in myself. For no trusting myself at all. For allowing myself to be so stressed that I have OCD. For not giving myself a much deserved break. FOr being such an unrealistic perfectionist. For not having enough fun. For depriving myself of what makes me happy. For self sacrifing to the entent of ruining my own health. For not putting myself on my top priorities. For not being firm enough. For being too soft-hearted all the time. For being in denial of certain things. For believing in the wrong things. For turning myself into a robot. For allowing myself to be so checked out. For being so lonely and feeling so alone. For allowing this person to hurt me so deeply. FOr losing faith in the human race becos of one person. For sinking into depression and doing nothing much about it. For racing against time all the time. For not having enough faith in myself and in God. For not letting go of things I should have let go off a long time ago. For not doing things my way. For feeling all the unnecessary guilt. For all the unnecessary stress that I have allowed myself to go through.

From now on....I am going to be different in a good way. I will love myself from now on..........cos I wanna change .........

Inertia no more

I cannot be stuck in a state of inertia anymore. I need to heal, yes. But as I heal, I need to keep myself occupied. I need to do something. Anything. I need to be creative. I need to learn something new everyday.

Wisdom

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.

We have lesser control than we think we have.

The Mother

I watched this show, "The Mother" years ago and it really registered in my brain. It tells ths story of a mother who has to fulfill her responsibilities in taking care of her husband and bringing up her kids that she neglects her own dreams. She only gets to fulfil her dreams when her husband dies and her children all growm up. So rionical. Like putting her whoel life on hold till much later when she s done with all her obligations and responsibilities. Sigh...I can relate to that.

I also feel that I am currently putting all my dreams on hold for the sake of my obligations and responsibilities now. But at least I am not so aimless now. I kinda know what I wat in my life right now...and I have goals...just for me. I really do not wish to be like that mother. I wanna do both simultaneously. I need to live my own life as well as fulfil my obligations and responsibilities. THe show really seems sad and her situation makes me sad.

I wanna live my dreams as well as be responsible. I know what my goals are now. I need to work towards them.

Tired

I am depressed and very tired. I guess I am really exhausted. I need a rest and a break from all the usual stuff. I dunno how I have gotten into all these.

If I go on like this..I will wither. I am already withering. I need new goals to carry on. I cannot carry on like this totally aimless. I need a new directio. A totally new outlook in life. I used to be so engrossed in romance as if it was my entire life. I regretted that. I guess there is more to life than romance. Sigh...

I feel totally motivationless. Stuck in a state of inaction and inertia. I need to snap out of this stupor but I dunno how. I am just do tired of everything. Of my routine , of myself...of everything. I am just so bored out of my mind. I need a rest in all areas....physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

I have lost all my zest. All my motivation in life. All my curiosity about life. I used to love to do new things. I used to enjoy living my life. Now I wonder..where is my life? My life is overtaken by this person whom I dun even recognise anymore.

I have stopped doing things that I wanna do for so long that I dun even know what I wanna do now. I feel totally lost. Totally aimless and totally depressed. Like I have settled in my life and I dun like it. I have never followed my heart. Where is that zestful, enthusiastic gal who loves life? Who loves doing new things in life? Who enjoys all the things that she enjoys? Where is she? Will I ever get that gal back? Will I evolved into a better person? I do not know. All I know is that I am thoroughly depressed now. I feel so stuck.

I need to make small steps to regain my true self again. I cannot be stuck in this depression. I have to live on. I have to choose to live. I have to choose life. I cannot be so dead inside. I cannot alow myself to die inside. I need to have hope despite everything. I need to be happy despite all my ailments. I need to heal myself of all my ailments. I need to pamper myself. I need to love myself again and do what I want again. I need to make my own comeback. I NEED TO.

I am not happy

They say depression is anger turned inward. Yup....I am very angry with myself. Angry that I had allowed others to treat me this way and thus allowed myself to sink into all these resulting in poor health, anxiety and depression. I hate myself now. I loathe everything right now. I am contented in a way. I am contented that I have what I have but on the other hand I am frustrated cos I hate to do what I do everyday. I guess I can never accet the fact that I am stuck at home. The problem is while others find this very meaningful and productive, I find it boring and a waste of my precious time. I dunno...I am confused. I have never wanted to be domestic. I want to see the world. To mingle in the world. To have zest everyday to do the things I wanna do. SOmehow I find myself slipping away everyday. With no aim..no direction...and , I am afraid to say...no hope. I dun wanna be hopeless. But I do feel that now. I dread my routine at times. I hate to be stuck in the rut. I hate all these and I still have to go on like this. I am really dying inside. I dun feel productive at all. I feel depressed everyday. And angry. Angry that I still have to do what I hate. I know I need to change my attitude. But I really hate to deal with the same old problems everyday. Dealing with all the same things really make me very anxious and stressed resulting in my OCD and tics, etc. I am really sad for myself. Really really sad that I have become like this. And I still have to face all these. I am so tired, so exhausted. I have kinda let go of myself and allowed myself to sink deep into depression which I know will be destructive for me. I need to get out before it is too late. I need to save myself. If I go on like this.....I du dare to think. SIgh..I need to get out but I dunno how. I really feel very stuck and unhappy and very very angry. I have to deal with this anger and I have to get rid of this anger before it destroys me. I need a rest but I have no rest at the moment. This is getting too frustrating.

I need a flicker of hope. I am just very upset that I had allowed myself to deteriorate to this extent. I hate myself for always tolerating...till I reach my limit and over. I hate myself for being so sofe hearted all the time. I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for doing this to myself. I should have taken care of my own needs instead of putting everyont before me and thus being so unhappy and sick now. I am unhappy. My body cannot take it anymore and thus manifest its unhappiness in all these ailments. I need to heal all these ailemts now before it is too late.

Stop thinking

Am I punishing myself? He walks around eating donuts and feeling happy while I am here punishing myself and sulking anf thinking and wrecking my brain and having a huge weight on my mind and chest and feeling depressed and feelig stressed ad have worse OCD? Why am I doing this to myself?
Is this worth it? Is my pain worth it? Forgetting this does not mean that I have forgiven him and will just act as if nothing happened and give him a chance to hurt us again. Forgetting this is merely and purely for myself. Cos I have the right to be happy. I have the right to enjoy my life. Who do I have to burden myself with these thoughts day after day, night after night...feeling so troubled and bothered..while he walks around acting as if nothing happened...shirking all his parental responsibilities as usual and feeling happy and relaxed while I am tensed and uptight over everything?

Do I honestly wanna get cancer cos of him? Has he not destroyed me enough? Or rather destroyed me n kid enough. Have I not had enough of this? Am I not tired?

I need to let go of all these for my own well being. Does not mean that I will go have sex with him next minute or give him aother chace but just that I wanna let go of my own anger so as not to harm myself further cos of him cos IT IS DEFINITELY NOT WORTH IT.

Let there be peace in my heart and in my soul from now on. :)
And let my mind rest. :)

Depression

I have forgotten when did this depression start. I have been so enthusiastic in the begining. Giving 110%. Being a perfectionist and doing everything I should. I have been a responsible and overall happy person. Although I dun quite accept or like what I was doing..I was doing it well. Yet..when did this depression start?

WHen I was stressed and have ocd? How can I reverse the situation? How do I go back? How can I heal myself? I need a miracle.

I will be healed. I will have my miracle. I will be 100% well again. That will be my goal from now. I need to take good care of myself. I dun wanna suffer anymore.

Need to snap out of this depression

What do I really really really want?

Good proper clean food without me having to cook.

What is my happiest moment of the day?

What is my mantra?

Let it be.


I woke up this morning really really tired. So tired that I nearly couldn't get out of bed. My brain bombarded with the usual questions and problems. I am not a cunning or hypocritical person and I sux at pretending. I cant pretend at all. I am too real. And I always have trouble bottling things up. I always need to get things off my chest.

Always Choose Life

Why should I be stuck in this vicious cycle which I know in my heart that can never be resolved? Always choose to live my life happily. Always choose life. Why drive myself to a dead end when I know I do have a choice?

There are lots of possibilities in life. Never give up. I know I have made this mistake in my life but I should accept it, take it as a lesson for me and move on. Why be so stubborn? Why keep on persisting when I know things can never change for the better? Why must I be so insistent?

Dun be too rigid. Be more flexible. I need to live my life happily no matter what. I can still enjoy my life and have lots of hobbies and friends and people to talk to. My life will still be great. Dun have all these unnecessary pain. Yes, they are unnecessary. Totally unnecessary. I did not struggle so hard to make myself well just to fall into this mess of things. I need to pull myself out and CHOOSE LIFE.

I need to keep my sanity. I need to believe myself again. I am very proud of myself no matter what he says. Who is he to judge me? He does not know me at all. Whatever he says are not true at all...so why should I bother. I should cross him out in order to be happy again.

I am doing a great job so far in what I am doing and I am proud of myself. Despite my circumstances, I have been responsible and doing what I should be doing. I should spare a thought for myself from now on. I need to love myself despite all the negative attacks I receive from this man.

I dun need a toxic person like him in my life. I know I can never trust him again. He betrayed my trust time and again. Like a roller coaster, like a yoyo...always back and forth, back and forth but never getting out of this vicious cycle. I can say that what happened recently and what he did and said recently were perhaps the last straw and really opened my eyes that if I wanna carry on living , I need to cut him out. If we continue like that..it will not be a good ending.

I need to learn to be independent again. I need to avoid disappointments by not having any expectations. I can never live with his bad attitude, negativity and cruelty. His behaviour will never bring me happiness. And the fact remains that he will never change. Has been 12 years....still the same ...so...time to give up and move on.

I NEED TO CHOOSE LIFE FROM NOW ON. MY LIFE. Peace.

From Now On

I am utterly disappointed with the male species. I wanna live my life on my own terms. Why bother about the acceptace of men. Who are they to judge my self-worth?
Although I am not bad at all. but still I am too disappointed in bgr to have another. Why not just enjoy my life with my friends and my family and have lots og enjoyable hobbies and people to talk to and still be happy and a blessing to others?

Why ask for trouble? Why have all the unnecessary pain and anger? Is it worth it?
Not at all..just a bit waste of time and energy. HAving a friend is better I guess.

It is better to be attached to nothing. Just have peace of mind and innerpeace and have health and money and family. Other than that can always enjoy my hobbies...no need a man to create problems for me.

I need to be alone somtimes

Much as I think I dun need to have time alone. Much as I think I can handle not having alone time. Much as I think I dun need my own time doing my own things...I do need it for my own sanity and well-being.

Stop kidding myself...every human needs this. I am not a robot. I am only human. Dun expect me to function like a robot. I cannot. I am a human who needs rest. I am a human who needs time for myself doing things I like. I am only human. Accept that fact.

The Active Me

I wanna be more active. I wanna be a doer rather than someone who is passive. I wanna do things rather than not do anything. I wanna try different approaches.
Remember who moved my cheese?

How can I expect different results if I keep doing the same things? I need to change my approach to things. I need to have a different attitude, different ideas and different outlooks.

I need to heal myself. I need to be totally relaxed. Focus on the core of the problem rather than the symptoms for now. If my core is relaxed...my symptoms will be alleviated.

Yeah..I need to relax. I need to relax. I need to destress.

No more emotional turmoil. I need to be free from emotional turmoil for a while.

Declutter

Again...I need to declutter.

Declutter my house, declutter my thoughts. declutter my life.

Make some new goals.

Make some new decisions.

You came and changed my life.

Thank you God. You came and took away my bitterness and anger. Thank you Lord.

.............

I am in deep depression. I have anxiety and ocd..... I hate to be like this. I am so weary. I can't go on anymore like this. I just cannot. I am dragging my feet. I cannot go on like this anymore. I am going to be physically sick if this goes on.

I need to heal myself. I need to get well. Is it going to be a long and tedious task?
I dunno..I am just so depressed. I am totally checked out. I feel numbed. Maybe I want to feel nothing cos when I feel...I only feel pain and agony and stress. I am not so strong. I cannot go on doing something I dun like doing for far too long.

This has gone on far too long. I just hate myself for doing this to myself. I have allowed myself to be in this situation. I had totally brought this upon myself cos I have put myself last for so long. I had neglected myself for so long. I want things to be perfect for my child. So I allowed myself to undergo all this stress and where does this lead me? To the nervous wreck that I am today.

I totally regret. Really feel so bad about myself. I hate all these. I dun enjoy all these at all and that is the truth. This marriage feels like a whole bunch of duties and responsibilities. No sharing , no communication, no understanding...no care ...no love. This is how I feel. Totally bored of everything. I feel so bad. Sometimes I wonder whether it is pms or wat? Just that I feel totally unfulfilled.

So tired and so weary. How much longer can I put up with this? I dunno....

God, please help me. Please tell me what I should do now. Ease my pain and suffering.
Please lead me to the correct path. I wanna get out of this pain.

Coming out of the dark

I have been stupid. I have been so badly influenced by this person. No more. I know the truth now. Now I know.

Now I am going to focus on myself and be what I used to be. I am a good and kind person. I know I am. I need to be like that again. I need to walk out of the depression of this relationship. I need to move on for my own sanity ad survival. I will be a much calmer person after coming out of this darkness.

I need to go for counselling. I need to be financially independent. I need to take good care of myself...physically, mentally and emotionally. Eat better, exercise, keep a peaceful mind and a loving heart. I need to be near to friends who are positive and supportive and stay away from destructive people. I need to have faith in God again. I nned to trust God and His Will again. I need to rebuild my life. I know that I can do it. I am going to give myself one year dedicated to my healing. I need to get some help for my OCD. I need to destress and relax more and not sweat over the small stuff. I NEED TO TRUST MYSELF AGAIN MOST IMPORTANTLY. I need to have tge HOPE and believe in myself again. I need to move on to a more peaceful and calmer way of life.

Happy days..............

Lifestyle Makeover

I have seen so many women ruin their lives just cos of all the emotional pain they have inside. This pain can kill....really. I wanna improve myself..I wanna be healed.

I need a lifestyle makeover. I need to improve myself from inside out. I need to let go of all this pain and be healed. I need to be hapy and to embrace life. I need to be kind again. I need to focus on my road to recovery.

Cannot go on like this. I have to really let go and let others do what they want. Trying to control is like having no control. Worse. Anyway...I need to focus on myself first.

I need God. I need to trust in Him again. I need to put my faith in him again.
I feel so lost and amless without Him. I will walk out of this. And after I am out of this emotional turmoil..I will look back and be glad that I have survived.

Need to laugh and do things to make myself happy. There is no disappointment without expectation. I should ot expect too much from others ad just relax and be grateful and happy about all the things that I have.

I have to change my attitude. I have to change myself for the better. Not for others BUT for MYSELF. I need to do that for myself.

After chatting with her... I have come to realise how much I have changed over the years. How bitter and unhappy I have become. How cranky and grumpy I have become. And how self absorbed that I have become. I need to step out of this self made box and live for myself and be happy again and connect with others again.

I need God. So aimless and lost. I have to have faith in God and believe in His Will. Happy dayssssssssssssss................

No more anger manipulation

No matter how stressed or how frustrated a person...does not give the person the excuse to have anger outbursts. Always treat people the way you want to be treated.

No matter what happens..when I am very angry..I need to take time out instead of lashing out at others. Be more in control of my emotions. Anger, especially destructive anger, does not solve anything. Instead it becomes a problem.

I promise I will NEVER EVER beat my kid again. Beating him is a wrong way of disciplining him. Also dun ever lash out at him again. DUn think that is very good for his self esteem.

I wanna take up some new hobbies...........baking...dancing......laughing....

Need to really get away from toxic angry people..........stay away from their destructive anger. And dun ever be a victim to his anger again. DUN ALLOW him to do anymore damage to me.

Be happy and have fun and laugh as an individual. No one can take away my right to be happy. No matter how he behave...or what he does..I will n ot let it affect me again.

I am going to be kind to my kid no matter. Dun harshly scold him again.

Quotes someone gave me

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference"

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
~Mother teresa

"It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui. ~ Helen Keller"

"I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journeywork of the stars"
-- Walt Whitman

Mental Blocks

Recently I have been getting mental blacks......and I have been so forgetful..it is scary. Maybe I have been thinking too much lately...too many things on my mind.

When can I let go of all my thoughts? When can I feel mentally free...not totally but at least lighter?

I have a few goals now. At least I have hope now. Not as aimless and hopeless as last time.

Lessons..I have learnt so far:

1. Never be controlled by my own emotions. It is better to be more emotionless most times. People who are controlled by their emotions will never succeed in life.

2. Can never change people and who they really are inside. Trying to control or force them to behave the way I want is asking for trouble. Totally futile. So...leave them be.....

3. When there is an anger outburst....SIMPLY WALK AWAY. DUN stay and fight...cos staying and fight will damage me and give me battle scars.

4.Quarreling is just trying to convince the other person to my point of view. When there is no convincing, there is no quarreling. Conflicts do not solve anything.

5. Be the bigger person. Be more matured and handle things maturedly.

6. Never ever quarrel in front of my kid cos this will damage him and change who he is inside.

7. Focus on myself first. Live my own life..not every one else's.

8. This is a realistic world. Money is still important.

9. Need to have more knowledge. Learn as much as possible. This will pay in the long run.

10. Of cos health is the most important. Nothing can be done without good health. Not just phyical...mental, emotional and spiritual as well. So make sure I take care of myself well. Eat well....exercise..relax..have fun.

Why happiness deludes me?

My OCD is causing me unhappiness. And also my over indulgence in my routie and being inflexible. It is like I am living my kid's life with no interest of my own or life of my own. I have cut down on my own enjoyments so much. I seldom do fun things just for myself. I dun do things just to enjoy myself much anymore.

I always do things I SHOULD...never do things I WANNA.

My life is great. It really is...it is better ..much better now. Yet I still dun feel the happiness...nor any elation. Or feel mental freedom.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????????????????????

Just look at me as an individual. No responsibilities and obligations. All those aside...I should be damn happy. Cos I have a good life now. Maybe I worry too much. I try to control too much. I care too much. I want things to be perfect too much.

Yeah..that is why...............

I have to change my mindset if I wanna be happy. I need to open up myself and my heart again. Dance as if no one is watching..love as if you have never been hurt.

I need to find that simplicity and that innocence in life again.

Life is great..BELIEVE IT................

Reinventing myself

So fed up with my life now. So fed up with the people esp him. Sick of being stepped on and judged all the time. Sick of hearing the same nonsense from the same people. Sick and tired of everything. And this is not my hormones talking. Tired, exhausted and drained.

I need to reinvent myself, I need to be a new and improved. I need a new direction in my life. Some motivation to get going again. I cannot help but wonder ....is this all there is. I am too young to be living the life of retiree and see myself wasting away. See my phyisical body wasting away. I have not been taking good care of myself at all and it is showing signs all over.

Let's start with the physical. I have already changed my hair. I need to improve my diet, exercise, tone, take care of my face...reduce wrinkles, moisturise..get rid of black heads. And maitain my complexion again. I had not done that for the longest time. I have , sort of, given up on me. ANd all becos I am so depressed over this person. SO what if he is such a freaking jerk. Disregard him la. I have been too sad for too long already. Time to move on and LIVE my life. This is my life. I have free will. No one can take that away from me. I have to live my life according to what I want and think is right. Do not care about other people's judgements and criticisms and approval. They have no right to impose their irrational thinking me.

Then mental. I need to let go of all the hatred, grudges..whatever that is clouding my mind. Think positive. Laugh more.

Emotionally I need to love my kid more. Be more emotionless in other aspects. LIfe is happier if one is not emotionally too attached and learn not to be too emotional over everything.

Spiritually..there is God..........

Also...aim for financial independence..cos that will lead to physical independence.

From today I am changing myself and as a symbol of that..I am changing my name as well......................

My Role Model

She is definitely my role model. If I can look like her at her age....wow.
I wanna aim to look like her at that age. I wanna tone upself up..keep young. Maintain. Keep a positive outlook. Live my dreams. Stop worrying.

My OCD is due to my anxiety ad my anxiety is due to my inability to relax. I need to RELAX. I need to get over my anxiety...heal my OCD.

Take up some new hobbies....Have some times to myself relaxing.....Exercise.....................treat myself better.

Stop having angry outbursts. Destructive anger is just too damaging. Very damaging to my physical health also. Need to do more things to keep myself happy so as to keep my hormones balanced.

I cannot go on in this state anymore. I need to heal myself.
Starting NOW.

Independence

From today onwards , I will work hard towards being fully independent...starting from being emotionally independent.

Invest in myself..invest in my well-being.
For a start..eat well. Exercise....TONE UP. Have a new lifestyle.
Treat others with kindness. Be kind to others and to myself.
Be financially independent. Learn More.
Also...HEAL myself. Baby steps at a time.

After all...all I have is myself...other things I thought I have are all illusions.

Work hard towards this..I know this will pay off.

Life is too short for toxic people. Time should be spent on enjoyment, fun and laughter and the seeking of joy. Precious time should not be wasted on toxic people who will only bring me down by judging and criticising me and giving me self-doubts.

I have wasted too much time and energy and efforts on that already. Now is the time to focus on finding joy rather than being depressed over things that are n ot meant to be. Leave toxic people alone. Dun trust them anymore. NOt worth my trouble.

Life is precious...DUn waste time like that.

Silly Me

I had believed everything he had said. I had trusted him 100%. I was too soft-hearted and too forgiving. I was too gullible and too vulnerable and too naive. He was so cunning. Yet believed all his lies...yes..they are lies. Now I know. Now I understand. Everything had been a front. Lies.

Everything I had done had been nothing in his eyes. He does not appreciate nor does he cherish. I am a BIG NOTHING. He had taken me a million percent for granted. All my sacrifices had been in vain. Whatever I had done is not even a contribution in his eyes. ALl he does is to make me feel guilty for not doing enough. Whatever I do is NEVER enough. NEVER. Why should I even try. I will always fall short.

There is always a hidden agenda. Everything had been a front. He had taken my kindness and repaid it with cruelty. I will never win cos I will never be as heartless and cruel as him. He must be laughing at me for being so EASY..for being so gullible...for being so trusting ....Hahaha..maybe I should laugh at myself for beig so stupid.

I will not give him a chance to hurt me again. Does he think I will be this stuid forever. Yes..I had been stupid to have put my trust and faith in him. I had been in denial. In denial that he had been so mean to me and had been emotionally abusing me all these while. He had never treated me well. Dun think he ever will. What makes me think that he will change and a miracle like we will live happily ever after will happen? How much longer do I need to be in denial.

I must say I am utterly hurt and disappointed. I am very disheartened beyond words. He had done this for the umpteenth time. I had already felt numb. His mere existence now makes me angry and sad. I cannot go on like this any longer.

I have to break free from this vicious cycle........if not..I will be sucked into this bottomless pit of darkness. I need to break free for my own sake. I have to think of myself now.

Self-Trap No More

I realise that I have been self trapping for the last ten years. Probably in the hope of improving my marriage and my relationship with this person. My energies had been focused mainly on this person. How he treated me, etc. The kind of person that he is, etc. I cannot create maic here. I have to accept the fact that he is not my soulmate and no matter how much efforts I put in...he still will not be. There is no connection no matter what I do right and whatever efforts I have made or will make. Cannot change things cos it is definitely not meant to be. No point cherishing that hope or forcing t anymore. I will NEVER feel for him that way. He can NEVER satisfy me that way. This is how it is. Not going to improve. NEVER EVER.

I need to let go and admit that I have really made a mistake. I have. But no point regretting cos what is done is done. There i definitely no such thing as a time machine. I should be lucky that my regret in life is not as devastating as some other unofrtunate human being's. I am still grateful in life. I like my lifestyle now though I wouls love to have more freedom but then it has been a good experience so far.

The lessons I have learnt so far?

----Patience. I have really learnt to be more patient in everything. Rather than blow my top hen things dun go my way, I have learnt to breathe and stay calm. In a way, I have also learnt tolerance.
I have also learnt that some things are just the way they are. I cannot change them no matter how much efforts I put in. just have to let it be. Cannot force to get the desired results that I wanted.
Empathy. Through hardship, one learns empathy. It is really true. I have learnt to put myself in other people's shoes and have learnt not to give a quick judgement.
I cannot be happy with this person. I cannot deal with his constant anger manipulation, screaming, lack of communication, disrespect, unreasonability, immatured ways etc anymore. I just cannot. He is just too difficult and toxic for me. I realise that I have indeed become more bitter as a person becos of him. Solution is not avoid spending time with him as much as possible but surround myself with more positive, inspiring people.
I have learnt that my personal happiness IS important. I need to keep myself happy by doing the things that I enjoy everyday. If not I will fall into a deep depression. Life is too good to be depressed. So I need to seek the joy that is needed for my well-being.


I need to open myself up once again and rediscover the joys in life and regain the zest that I have lost. I used to do things to feel good. I need to start doing those things again. I still matter. Dun give up on myself. Dun give up on this hope.

Somehow I have become like a walking zombie becos a big part of me has lost that hope. Hope in life is important. We need hope to live. People pay loads of money just to have hope sometimes. I need to have that hope back. HOPE..dun ever lose it again.

Time to start afresh. Really start afresh. Have a new perspective and move ahead. Dun be wishy washy anymore. Get out of this ridiculous so-called comfort zone. This is my life after all. Be happy. The purpose in life is to be happy. No point torturing myself further. No more guilt.

HOPE.

More to Life

There is definitely more to life than BGR, marriage and motherhood. There is more to life for me than being a wife and a mother and to be focused on BGR. It is better to be less emotional. Lots of things I can do with my life. I am sure that there is a purpose in life just for me. I am growing roots so as to flourish more.

Now I should focus on feeling good and having fun and enjoying life. Actually I should be damn proud of myself no matter what he thinks and says. I have done what I should despite everything. I should not let him affect me. I should not care about his judgements and criticisms. AND I DUN NEED HIS APPROVAL!!! Anyway this person does not give me a good feeling. DUn feel good when I am with him.

Anyway, there are lots to do in life........than just BGR.. I should not focus on a unfulflling relationship anywa or make any more efforts to improve it. TIme to just let go. Also parenting is a gradual process of letting go. I feel my kid is old enough to learn independence and resilience. I should not tell him what to do anymore. Rather I should guide him to make the right decisions for himself. And I should teach him how to fish instead of just giving him the fish. Also he should learn to soothe himself when he is upset..I should refrain from trying to comfort or pacify him anymore.

I have to give him space to learn and to grow up....and to achieve independence while keeping an eye on him to keep him safe.

Now is the time to focus more on myself. I have neglected my well-being for so long. I need to come back to focusing on ME.

Wanna change my hairstyle leh...but feel sianz to sit there for 4 hours for the straightening. Boring..........and uncomfortable with my vertigo and all. Very sianz.....I feel really bad for myself sometimes cos I have deteriorated to this. That I cannot even go to the salon without this fear of vertigo. Sianz...tooo much stress and anxiety have resulted in OCD in me, hormonal imbalance and vertigo, migraines and heart palpitations. Sianz..how to get rid of all these? When I cannot even relax or have the space to recuperate and get healed? I need some time to really relax and recover.

It does not define me

My marriage does not define me. I want myself to know that. How he treats me does not define me. My kid's bahaviour also does not define me. I need myself to know all these. Need to detach myself from all these negativity.

So I made a mistake. My mistake does not define me. I am not perfect...I am only human and humans make mistakes. I have tried ways and means to make up for this mistake but it seems like nothing works cos it isn't meant to be. When there is no love............no matter how much efforts...all will be futile.

A new perspective

Most times I think my life is a fraud. Cos I am not in love with my hubby...not interested in what I am doing everyday and sick of dealing with a difficult kid. No motivation, no enthusiasm and most of all, not much loving feelings.

I cannot bring myself to be in love with my hubby. I cannot do it. At least not now. I love my kid lots but I am thoroughly sick and tired of his horrible behaviour. I am tired , exhausted and drained in having to pacify him all the time. And I am so overwhelmed by OCD. So depressed with all these stuff. This is me focusing on the negative aspect.

If I am to focus on the positive aspect.....my life is actually pretty good. Lots of things to be grateful and happy about in my life. No doubt there is the boredom but, nonetheless, my life is really joyous. The saying......what you focus on expands is really true. I can be as happy as I want or be as sad as I want...depending on what I focus my thoughts on. Just a flick of the switch and I can be happy. Isnt that fantastic?

From now on..I need to focus on the good stuff in my life and enjoy being me and , most of all, love life. Life is as good or as bad as you think it is. Yup.

From now...focus on having fun and enjoying life. Make everything I do fun. And , whatever it is, LOVE is the answer.

Loosen up. Life can never be perfect all the time. Not even perfect some of the time...so relax...Live and let live. Let life unfold....dun try to resist it..just go with the flow and whatever goes...........Do my part and the rest that I cannot and can never control..............let it be.

Think happy , positive thoughts. Happy also one day. Sad also one day. Might as well choose to be happy.

Love.............

Mid Life Crisis?

Probably I am having a mid life crisis. I seriously do not know what my motivation is from now. My world used to be love and romance. Now it is like...emotionless. Kinda boring and numb. I dunno what to do from now on. I should have taken better care of myself instead of indulging in my unhappiness and letting time slip by and letting time take a toll on me. I need to take care of myself once again.

SOme short term goals:

-Take care of my complexion..moisturise...take out blackheads. Cleanse.
-Eat better esp fruits and veggies. Dun skip meals.
-Exercise. Stretch...tone....dance. Use the disc.
-Blog and journal
-Wake earler.....be a morning lark rather than a nite owl.
-Watch romance serials to rekindle some romantic vibes and banish numbness.
-Go out and do new things.


Long term goals:

Be financially independent.
Stay healthy
Maintain looks
Sing and dance

Pull myself together

I need to pull myself together. I need to get out of this depression. Do appreciate what I have right now. Learn gratitude.

FInd some new hobbies to keep myself happy. Do things that I like to do. Do things that I SHOULD do and learn to enjoy it. Have the discipline to do the things that I should do so that I can do the things that I wanna do. Everyone has to work, like it or not. So might as well enjoy my work rather than repelling it and resenting it.

Take everything as a challenge. Life will be boring otherwise. Dun need to be so prim and proper or to be so in control of everything. Being in control is only an illusion. No one can be totally in controlof everything. So let go and go with the flow rather than against it. Just BE and let things unfold themselves and be an observer and go with the flow. Let things be.

Learn to relax and not be stressed out. Stress brings uopn too many negative stuff. Better to cope with stress. Learn to relax and be contente in all occasions. Dun analyse or ponder too much. Be careful, yes... but dun try to do everything myself cos that is not possible.

New interests : Internet marketing
Romance serials and cute guys
Cooking
Making sandwiches
Love songs


I like guys with cute smiles. I am a real sucker for that. As long as the guy has an attractive smile....I will be so infatuated. Heheh....and I find a guy's arm the sexiest part of his body. Yeah...i have a fetish for that. Especially if he wears a shirt with rolled up sleeves to his elbow........I love that. I like guys in shirts.

Life is an illusion. Why be so serious about everything and forget enjoyment?
Shold just learn to feel good...make myself feel good and enjoy life..........YEAH!

Time is just a concept. Why be a slave to the clock? Men invented the clock to create stress. Why bother?

Have I changed?

I have really changed. I cannot explain exactly how but I have. And I have changed for the worse I feel. I duno. I have become a totally different person ....to a more bitter, selfish, untrusting and a more fussy person. I used to be so spontaneous and free-spirited. Now I am unhealthily orderly. Which freaks myself out . I dunno how to explain but I have changed for the worse. I have.

I am now burnout, self-absorbed, controlling, naggy, bitter...everything I hope I wont be. Above all, I have OCD now. I saw a woman with OCD once and I did not wanna be like her. Now I am almost.............. I dun wana be like my mom...and now I feel I am heading there. Sigh..I had better chill or else............

I am speechless. I can't believe that this is happening to me. I have changed so much the past 5 yrs that I can't recognise myself anymore. I really do not like the ME now. I prefer the ME before. What has happened to me?

The Result

This is definitely the result of not following my heart and choosing the 'safe', non-risky path due to low self-esteem. Sianz....

I couls have followed my heart and taking a chance. Now , living like this..I can't stop wondering what could have been. Double sigh....

What to do...................I want to follow my heart from now on...no matter what.

Take a break

Need to take a break and focus on other things for a while in order for healing to take place. Need to break the terrible vicious cycle. It is getting too much and going no where. Very bored and stressed with it which is not a good thing. Focus on self-improvement and completely let go of the whole situation. Yeah...

I am the best friend that I ever have. Dun let myself go....just let the whole situation go.

Focus on a few things......mainly Myself :)

Just do what I feel like doing.........forver. Yeah...Be real like a doggie. :)

30 days

30days of healing before I am fully healed. One day down....................29 to go.

Hopeful.

The truth will set me free

There must be a reason for my actions. There must be a reason the way I acted, the way I felt and everything that I have done and said. There must be a reason. I dun believe that I am this evil person. I dun belive that I am a bad or cruel erson by nature. I am actually a very kind and forgiving person. I am pushed to the limit of my tolerance. All my actions are a result of my self-defensiveness. I believe so cos I have been hurt too much already. I strike before he has a chance to hurt me again. This is not healthy. I cannot be immersed in this unhealthiness anymore.

This has taken a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. This is too much already. This is too much even for an ordinary person to bear and I am just as ordiary as can be. I have had enough. Really enough. I have reached my limit.I have had it.

I have to give myself a chance to see the truth, to know the truth. The truth will definitely set me free. This vicious cycle has gotta stop. If not I will definitely not survive for long. Life is precious...I should not waste my life away like this. If there is no love, then so be it. If this is the result of the truth..then so be it. I am too exhausted to persevere or fight on anymore. I need a new beginning, a new life, a new start, a new self.

For now, I have to give myself a chance to be away from this person, to experience innerpeace and to know the truth. I need to know the truth. If I experience happiness as a reult then I will know what the truth is and not be so stubborn anymore. I am just too stubborn. I need to have the courage to find out the truth.

Focus on myself now for a change. My health has always been poor. I should focus to get my health back on track, to get my life back on track, to be myself again without guilt and be happy and laugh again without guilt. I deserve happiness. I have given my best...I know I have. I do not want to continue being mean so as to protect myself from all the hurt. Too sianz already. I am burnout already.

Give myself a chance to heal. Give myself a chance to know the truth. I need to give myself a chance of happiness without guilt. Been surrounded by too much guilt already. I don't want to win or lose.I just wanna find innerpeace that I deserve. I just want to be myself again. I want to be kind again. I wanna laugh again. I wanna enjoy life again without all the expectations and demands out of me. I have been a good mother...I can honestly say I have. It is just unfortunate that I had allowed all those matters to affect me so badly and make me into this person that I am. I have had enough. I definitely deserve better.

Everything was an illusion. Nothing was real. Absolutely nothing. I dunno what to believe anymore. There is always a hidden resentment somewhere. Always two stories. I dunno which one to believe anymore. I am too tired to se second guessing all the time. I am just too exhausted already. I need rest. I need to heal. I have to give myself this chance to heal.

What do I enjoy?

I enjoy chatting....reading inspirational books..listeing to music.......writing...............chilling....people watching....watching movies............toning up............looking good..taking nice pics...........

Contentment

Why is contentment so hard for me? Why am I always focusing on the negative? I think my perfectionistic ideas are killing me. My perfectionism is the culprit for all my unhappiness. In a lot of ays, I am very blessed. But I hardly focus on all these blessings that I have. Instead I put all my attention on the negative things. As you know, what you focus on expands. And I am always having hugh problems whicj are not probelms when viewed in a different perspective.

I should focus on the good qualities of people and not expect them to be perfect. Perfection is only an illusion. No one can be perfect in this world. I should learn to live and let live. I shouldnt sweat over the small, trivial stuff. I have to learn to let others be human sometimes. Humans are not perfect. Humans make mistakes. I have to learn to focus on the right things, the positive stuff and less on the negative.

Life is not as stressful as I think it is. If only I can let go of my own perfectionism, I will be a happier person, I will feel better and I will be less
stressed. I have to live life. Time is just a concept and an illusion. All we have is NOW. I have to relax and give in to the power of NOW. Life is beautiful if you think it is beautiful. What you think is what you get. The mind is really very powerful. Never underestimate the power of my mind. If I wanna feel free, I have to first BELIEVE that I am free. First, you believe. The rest will follow. Think and belive you have peace and you will have it. LIfe is such. Make full use of the power of the mind. Think and belive good thoughts.

I hsve been trapped and stressed by the neverending beating of the clock every single day. I have to learn to just BE. Time is just a mere concept. Don't be controlled by it. Rather, learn to live in the NOW. Time is just a guide. Follow my heart. Listen to how I feel. Learn to belive in myself.

Like I read somewhere...............See the light in people. Don't overly focus on their faults. Not as if the faults are so great.

Banish the need for perfection and I will feel loads better. Focus on feeling good.
Do whatever I can to feel good. I need this to be healed.

Not been happy

I have had a lightbulb moment. Now I know why I have not been happy for the past 12 years. I know now why I have had depression for the past 12 years. I know now why I have not had a moment of peace the past 12 years.

For the past years...the happiest moment I had was giving birth to my kid. Other than that I have been in misery and pain. I was not even happy on my wedding day. I have totally stopped listeing to my heart all these years. I have shut out my woman's intuition. I persisted in something that I know dep down that is not right for me. How to undo my mistake?

I need to rebuild my life again. I need to learn to be independent again. Espeially financially. Only with financial independence then can I break free from all this torture.

I will do it. I can do it. The focus is on myself and my kid now. No more unnecessary nonsense.

Optimum Health

It is all linked. Emotional unhappiness witll lead to no joy, thus leading to cell inflammation which leads to chronic diseases like cancer. Do I want that in my future? I have a choice. I can prevent this. I have the ability to take the preventive measures. No more emotional torture and abuse. I am manifesting all these abuse into anxiety and stress, thus resulting in my OCD ad depression now. I have to give myself more credit. I cannot allow all these bad stuff to happen to me further.

Things have to change by hook or by crook. I am going to reclaim my life. I am having my own comeback in life. I am going to live in peace adn joy and have innerpeace form nowon. I am going to do the things that will ultimately bring joy and balance in my life like exercise and meditation.

I need to banish stress. Stress will be gone after all the disappearance of all the emotional abuse. I am too burnt out and stressed out right now. I am so out of balance. My health is n ot optimum right now. I should move it from here to optimum. I know I can do that. I just have to make the right choices. I just have to cut out THE TOXIC MAN. I need to take a break from him to begin with. A total break right now I know is impossible based on all the circumstances so I need a long break from him. That is the next best thing.

I am on my way to healing and o the road to joy. My vocation now is to be a joy seeker. Seeking joy, enjoying life. Cos life is still worth living. We only have one lives. It is a pity to waste it like that and on someone like that. I should not be stupid anymore.

Self-Doubt

I have finally woken u. This person has been criticising me and judging me and scolding me till I have doubts about my own self worth. Thus my self esteem has taken such a nose dive that I can't even recognise myself anymore. I have given up most of myself as well....given up on my interests which he doesn't approve of and which he makes me feel guilty that I wanna do them.


Why did I even tolerate such a person in my life. He is so toxic to me. The sad part is he is supposed to be my partner in life yet he is creating the most toxins in me. He is defiitely a very toxic to me. He makes me feel really bad about myself. He gives me all the bad feelings. I have not had a heartwarming good feeling from him before. Throughout these 12 years of being together.......I have never truly felt happy in his company. Only anxiety that he will be angry over something trivial or sad that he treated me with indifference. It had been too tiring. I can't feel any cocerm from him. He himself admitted that he has no concern for me as well as no sympathy for me. It was from the horse's mouth. He had said many many mean things to me and I am sure he meant most of them. I couldn't believe all the horrible things he said about me and how he really felt about me. So what is the purpose of this relationship then? Toally going nowhere except more torture. The thought of him makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I absolutely hate spending time with him. Every minute with him is a torture and it is immensely detrimental to my emotional health as well as for my mental and physical health as all of these are linked somehow. I am suffering ill-health from all the abuse from him. May not be physical abuse but verbal and emotional abuses are harmful nonetheless.


How could I put myself through this further. I am extremely angry with myself for putting up with all this nonsense all these years and tolerating this further will ultimately destroy me. I dun think a future with this man is bright. Rather, it is going to be extremely bleak as it will lead to chronic illnesses. No one can withstand all the emotional torture and no one deserve to live like this. I deserve to live happily. I have gone through so much in my life. I shouldn't be stupid enough to put myself through unhappiness like these. I should seek joy and peace and balance in my life. I can't do so with such a toxic partner.

I do have a high tolerance level. That is why I am still here. That is cos I have been verbally abused since young by my aunt. I should have known better than to be abused like this by anyone anymore. I can't live like this. I should break free and find the innerpeace that I so deserve.

The truth will set me free

I prayed to God this morning to let me be emotionally detached from this man. It is just too painful to continue being emotionally attached to him. Need to cut all ties of emotional attahment. Enough of all the verbal and emotional abuse all these years. It had been too tiring. Enough of treading on eggshells everyday. Enough of being the targe of all his anger. Enough of worrying about his judgements. Just that I have had enough.

We get married so as to get a witness to our lives. But the kid of witness he is to my life is way too depressing. Not ever going to work. Have I ever ben happy with him this ast ten years? I dun think so. Been too stressful. He had all along been too petty abd all along had verbally abused me and manioulate me with his constant anger. I have not had a moment of peace since. Why torture myself further. I am going to give up on this as from today. No point hanging on to something that is not even real. The things he had said to me...I know he meant them and it realy hurts. But at least I KNOW THE TRUTH FOR THE TRUTH WILL AND HAS SET ME FREE.

At last I am emotionally and mentally free.

Too disppointed for words

I am speechless with disappointment. I cannot believe a person can be that ungrateful. SIaz..I dun wanna give him that much attention anymore. And I do not want him to affect my mood or my life anymore. I am so tired. So may years of nonsense from this one man...surely that is enough. Why is my horizon so arrow? Life is definitely much bigger than this! I ahould broaden my own horizon and make myself happy and reinvent myself and create a different and better direction for myself. i should take very good care of myself iregardless. I am taking the first steps. I give myself a big pat on my back. I have done good. I will do better. I can do it!!!

Lost

I feel so lost. I have totally lost myself. I dunno what I like to do anymore. I have absolutely no zest. I dun plan wat I wanna do cos I know I have no time to do them. I now do things cos I SHOULD and it is driving me nuts. I am exhausted and I hate my routine. Everyday goes by with me doing things I dun enjoy doing and NOT doing things I wanna do. I have totally no interest in anything anymore. Feels so dead and so numb. I wonder how I am going to survive at least 4 yrs of these. I dun think I can do it. Should I just let things drag on and shortchange myself for another 4 yrs? I cherish wat I have. I am grateful for every thing I have. But totally neglecting myself is terrible. Should I feel guilty that I am feeling sick and tired of all these. I am fortunate, yes. But should I totally ignore my own needs just not to feel guilty? Am I n ot being contented if I decide to do things I wana do? I SHOULD MEET MY OWN NEEDS. I SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILT FOR THAT. After all , this is my life and I have the right to live. I have the right to live. I cant just be bogged down by my responsibilities and obligations and cancel myself out. I can't.

For at least 9 mths..I have had not even a short break. I did nothing for myself. I did what I should 24/7. Why? I want things to do better. I have totally negelcted myself as a result. I feel really sorry for myself to see myself like this. This should not be the life I am leading. I need some fun, some enjoyment, some life, some zest, somekind of aim. I am living day to day like a zombie. It is scary what this is doing to my health. Not just physically but mentally and emtionally as well. Imagine I have all kids of physiacl ailments imaginable..I am totally anxios, depressed and have OCD. I have trouble concentrating and I have not much of a memory. How did I end up like this????

When I started being a full time mum 5 yrs ago..I was still zestful. Now I am totally dead inside , like a zombie and full of sickness. How to go on like this. Year after year, I get more and more depressed. Day after day, I lose more of myself and my health deterirates with the days. I feel so sad for myself. Everything seems so bleak and difficult. I feel trapped. I need some time to get well...to heal myself. What am I gonna do now?


I should delegate. Yes I should. I should make life as easy for me as possible. DUn let motherhood eat me up alive. Yes, I am thankful, grateful and contented that I am a mother but clearly it is eating me up alive! It is killing me softly everyday. I am dying a little with each passing day. I feel so numb ....I hate this feeling.

I feel so terrible most of the time.........so tense and anxious and having this fight or flight feeling everyday. I feel so stressed...so pressurised, like the whole world is on my shoulders. STRESSED. Not a good feeling. I hate this...I really do. I hate having no freedom. I hate having to remember so many things and living my kid's life. I have no life now. Absolutely none. I hate worrying everyday.

Joy

I need joy in my life to stay healthy. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health depend on it. Joy..that is what I am lacking for the longest time. I have put all my needs last for so long that I have kinda forgotten what makes me happy. I have lost so much zest and interest in my life that it is getting really terrible. And I am exhausted, burnt out all the time which is not a good sign.

I need to inject more joy in my life, take care of myself first for my health's sake. I do not want cellular inflammation and get a chronic disease in the end. Not worth it. It is time to get some help. Assisted living. Yeah. I have to admit that I cannot do it all and control it all. I have to learn to get go and relax and destress and live life with joy, with zest and with hope.

I learnt today that there are three things that can make a person feel good.
1. Exercise. 2. Meditation. 3. Sex.

OK.......Got it.

This show is really a wake up call for me. IT confirms what I have been thinking of all this while. I really have too much guilt. Guilt to feel relaxation. Guilt to feel plaeasure. I only feel guiltless if I self-sacrifice? Now I know that this is really soooo stupid of me. I have to give myself permission to do things that make me feel good without the massive guilt.

I was an individual before I got married. We were a couple before having a kid. I was living my life before being a parent. Life is not just about kids and motherhood. Life is not just being bogged down by responsibilities and obligations. There is definitely more to life than that. Live life and have fun. FUN AND JOY.
Give myself permission to do these. Banish guilt. I can still be a responsible parent. I will take care of my kid better when I take care of myself first. I have to put mysef on the top priority. I have to take care of myself fist beforeI can give to others. I was so exhausted and burnt out cos I had not been meeting my own needs. I am experiencinf fatigue cos I have not been eating well or taking good care of myself. Not too late to start now. I am fortunate to ahve this wake up call early.

This is really the beginning of a new ME.
Lessons learnt.

Another thing.....Eat a good breakfast everyday. Exercise every morning and meditate every night. ANd have good sex often . Hehehe :)

Not what but why.

This is so wise. It is not what you are doing but why you are doing a certain thing that really matters. The things that you are doing may be mundane, boring or even frustrating. But the reason why you do them may be out of love. The motivation is live. Lik ehousework. It is the most montonous, meaningless chores imaginable. But doing them out of love for my kid motivates me. Housework is neverending. You thought you have finished them but you gotta do them again. A vicious cycle that is totally endless. The chores are necessary but boring and meaningless.The routine is insanely boring. But knowing WHY I am doing them now sort of comforts and motivates me to go on. The motivation is definitely LOVE. Without love, there's nothing. The greatest thing on earth is love.

Let love br my motivation from now on..............

H2O

Water. I realy need water. Feel really bad wthout drinking the amount I needed in a day. Cant function.

Learning to cope

Some things in our lives..we just have to go through them. We have to do them. So stress is inevitable. What matters is how you cope with these stresses. For some, they cope by exercising. For some, shopping..... what about me? How do I cope with my stresses. I think chatting works very well for me, as well as watchng tv. Hhahaha...turning into a couch potato soon. I need to tone up my body manzzz..getting really flabby.

I have spent too much energy agonising about my situation. complaining about it...being enraged...so wat's the point? I am still stuck here doing the same things. still stuck the same rut. WOrrying and complaining really nouse at all. Better to have better coping strategies. Having an online journal helps. This blog kinda helped me straighten out my thoughts. I need to do this and to introspect everyday to achieve balance within myself.

I need this.

How to achieve the innerpeace?

All I can say is dun be too serious about everything. Just be happy while I can . Try to relax and reduce stress and try to enhoy life as much as I can.

Do lots of things that interest me and makes me happy. ALthough I have lost interest in mostly everthing, I have to force myself to have fun. If not..I will sink deeper into depression. I have to help myself get out of this black hole. I know I am so bothered by my routine but I have to learn to accept it and enjoy my life despite everything.

Take a few moments each day to meditate and feel the innerpeace within.

Feeling good

I actually had not felt this good for the longest time. Damn I actually feel good!
Like the anger inside me just evaporated. Like the depression in me is suddenly lifted. I feel good!

It is like suddenly I claim responsibility for my own happiness. I dun rely on others to make me happy anymore. I dun expect others to understand me anymore. I am at peace with whatever they have to dish out. I am joyful no matter wat they do.

I am no longer raging and unaccepting of everything. I am actually at peace. I have let go of all the anger within me and replace it with hope and joy. Something just switched and here I am!

Meditation with a smile helps.

I need to do toning yoga everyday. Eat more veggies n fruits.

Something switched on

I feel the lights being switched on inside me. I am more at peace now. Before I forget..some points to take note of :

-What do I really, really, really want?

-The happiest moment of my day.

-My words to myself..positive or negative.

I feel more at peace with myself. Like I am more able to be still and accept stillness.

Dunno ho to describe...but wat I want out of life now..is more spriritual. I believe that people are put into our lives to be our teachers. I have learnt quite a lot from the people around me the things about me. Especially people who push me to my limit.

I have learnt a lot about myself. Like how much patience I have.....my limits.....who I really am. I will take everything as a learning experience from now on. I have learnt more patience and find wisdom and peace in my own company in silence and stillness. All these suddenly make sense.

I have always wanted to fnd an external place to feel happy in, to find innerpeace in...but no matter where I go to...I dun find it. Now I know that this place is actually WITHIN myself and that I can go there whenever I want, wherever I want...whenever I need it. I can tap into this anytime, anywhere. It is a comfort to know that. The joy is within me. My happiness is within me. It is up to me to see it and to feel it. I have to unwrap all the layers of negativity and complication to find it within me and be delighted with the simple pleasures of life. Life is not as complicated as I think it is. Everything happens for a reason. Dun dwell too much into all these. Just find somehting to make myself happy everyday and be happy with the simple pleasures of this beautiful life.


Innerpeace, relaxation, contentment, happiness, laughter.

I just wish that I can shake this OCD soon..it is eating me up. What causes this? Too much stress for a long time? My ability to control the situation? I feel so stressed and scared and tensed till OCD. How to shake this?

It is eating me up alive!!!

I pray for healing soon. I pray fro a life without OCD soon.

Peace

I actually feel peace this morning. Maybe it is the classical music...maybe it is the beautiful morning..maybe I have some time to myself...maybe all three....I actually feel pretty good. That means I have to lengthen my mornings and shorten my nights. COs I feel so depressed at nights. Maybe mornings are more hopeful. Nights are a drag and so damn depressing. Always feel the worse at night. Should sleep earlier and wake earlier to enjoy this peace.

Just wanna let go of the whole situation. I know I have said this a million times. Need to let go and not be too insistent in a lot of things. Sometimes silence is better than arguing. Quarrels are cos u want the other party to think wat u think. Let go of convincing them to your thinking and there is no quarrel. Simple enough right. Sigh...damn sianz of everything. From now I live for the weekends!~~

Aim at feeling good!! I haven't felt good for the longest time. I need to feel good. I need to feel some innerpeacr. This is the time to heal and let healing take place inside me. Too many bad thoughts..too many negative stuff. Need to detox my mind. Get rid of all the negativity. Have a new direction. Have a new hope. Have a new life. I have this feeling that I am on the right path now. Put the negative past behind and be relaxed and at peace in the future and for the future.

It takes guts to let things be. Needs courage to let go of situations. By letting go I du mean don't care a damn anymore and let things deterioriate. By letting go I mean kow ing that I have no control over the whole situation and not trying to control things I have absolutely no control over. To be at peace with the outcome of things I have absolutely no control over. Like I have no control over the actions of others so I have to learn to let go. Dun try to control others...just control my own actions and be honest with how I feel and think. That wll be enough.