I hate myself

I really hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself for not having the guts to follow my heart. For being too practical. For having such a high tolerance level. For giving in to unreasonable demands. For forcing things that can never be to be something that I want. For not listening to my body when it is overloaded with too much stress. For forcing myself over my own limits which are unhealthy for me. For not taking care of myself properly. For listeing and believing other people's destructive criticisms and n ot believing in myself. For no trusting myself at all. For allowing myself to be so stressed that I have OCD. For not giving myself a much deserved break. FOr being such an unrealistic perfectionist. For not having enough fun. For depriving myself of what makes me happy. For self sacrifing to the entent of ruining my own health. For not putting myself on my top priorities. For not being firm enough. For being too soft-hearted all the time. For being in denial of certain things. For believing in the wrong things. For turning myself into a robot. For allowing myself to be so checked out. For being so lonely and feeling so alone. For allowing this person to hurt me so deeply. FOr losing faith in the human race becos of one person. For sinking into depression and doing nothing much about it. For racing against time all the time. For not having enough faith in myself and in God. For not letting go of things I should have let go off a long time ago. For not doing things my way. For feeling all the unnecessary guilt. For all the unnecessary stress that I have allowed myself to go through.

From now on....I am going to be different in a good way. I will love myself from now on..........cos I wanna change .........

Inertia no more

I cannot be stuck in a state of inertia anymore. I need to heal, yes. But as I heal, I need to keep myself occupied. I need to do something. Anything. I need to be creative. I need to learn something new everyday.

Wisdom

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.

We have lesser control than we think we have.

The Mother

I watched this show, "The Mother" years ago and it really registered in my brain. It tells ths story of a mother who has to fulfill her responsibilities in taking care of her husband and bringing up her kids that she neglects her own dreams. She only gets to fulfil her dreams when her husband dies and her children all growm up. So rionical. Like putting her whoel life on hold till much later when she s done with all her obligations and responsibilities. Sigh...I can relate to that.

I also feel that I am currently putting all my dreams on hold for the sake of my obligations and responsibilities now. But at least I am not so aimless now. I kinda know what I wat in my life right now...and I have goals...just for me. I really do not wish to be like that mother. I wanna do both simultaneously. I need to live my own life as well as fulfil my obligations and responsibilities. THe show really seems sad and her situation makes me sad.

I wanna live my dreams as well as be responsible. I know what my goals are now. I need to work towards them.

Tired

I am depressed and very tired. I guess I am really exhausted. I need a rest and a break from all the usual stuff. I dunno how I have gotten into all these.

If I go on like this..I will wither. I am already withering. I need new goals to carry on. I cannot carry on like this totally aimless. I need a new directio. A totally new outlook in life. I used to be so engrossed in romance as if it was my entire life. I regretted that. I guess there is more to life than romance. Sigh...

I feel totally motivationless. Stuck in a state of inaction and inertia. I need to snap out of this stupor but I dunno how. I am just do tired of everything. Of my routine , of myself...of everything. I am just so bored out of my mind. I need a rest in all areas....physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

I have lost all my zest. All my motivation in life. All my curiosity about life. I used to love to do new things. I used to enjoy living my life. Now I wonder..where is my life? My life is overtaken by this person whom I dun even recognise anymore.

I have stopped doing things that I wanna do for so long that I dun even know what I wanna do now. I feel totally lost. Totally aimless and totally depressed. Like I have settled in my life and I dun like it. I have never followed my heart. Where is that zestful, enthusiastic gal who loves life? Who loves doing new things in life? Who enjoys all the things that she enjoys? Where is she? Will I ever get that gal back? Will I evolved into a better person? I do not know. All I know is that I am thoroughly depressed now. I feel so stuck.

I need to make small steps to regain my true self again. I cannot be stuck in this depression. I have to live on. I have to choose to live. I have to choose life. I cannot be so dead inside. I cannot alow myself to die inside. I need to have hope despite everything. I need to be happy despite all my ailments. I need to heal myself of all my ailments. I need to pamper myself. I need to love myself again and do what I want again. I need to make my own comeback. I NEED TO.

I am not happy

They say depression is anger turned inward. Yup....I am very angry with myself. Angry that I had allowed others to treat me this way and thus allowed myself to sink into all these resulting in poor health, anxiety and depression. I hate myself now. I loathe everything right now. I am contented in a way. I am contented that I have what I have but on the other hand I am frustrated cos I hate to do what I do everyday. I guess I can never accet the fact that I am stuck at home. The problem is while others find this very meaningful and productive, I find it boring and a waste of my precious time. I dunno...I am confused. I have never wanted to be domestic. I want to see the world. To mingle in the world. To have zest everyday to do the things I wanna do. SOmehow I find myself slipping away everyday. With no aim..no direction...and , I am afraid to say...no hope. I dun wanna be hopeless. But I do feel that now. I dread my routine at times. I hate to be stuck in the rut. I hate all these and I still have to go on like this. I am really dying inside. I dun feel productive at all. I feel depressed everyday. And angry. Angry that I still have to do what I hate. I know I need to change my attitude. But I really hate to deal with the same old problems everyday. Dealing with all the same things really make me very anxious and stressed resulting in my OCD and tics, etc. I am really sad for myself. Really really sad that I have become like this. And I still have to face all these. I am so tired, so exhausted. I have kinda let go of myself and allowed myself to sink deep into depression which I know will be destructive for me. I need to get out before it is too late. I need to save myself. If I go on like this.....I du dare to think. SIgh..I need to get out but I dunno how. I really feel very stuck and unhappy and very very angry. I have to deal with this anger and I have to get rid of this anger before it destroys me. I need a rest but I have no rest at the moment. This is getting too frustrating.

I need a flicker of hope. I am just very upset that I had allowed myself to deteriorate to this extent. I hate myself for always tolerating...till I reach my limit and over. I hate myself for being so sofe hearted all the time. I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for doing this to myself. I should have taken care of my own needs instead of putting everyont before me and thus being so unhappy and sick now. I am unhappy. My body cannot take it anymore and thus manifest its unhappiness in all these ailments. I need to heal all these ailemts now before it is too late.

Stop thinking

Am I punishing myself? He walks around eating donuts and feeling happy while I am here punishing myself and sulking anf thinking and wrecking my brain and having a huge weight on my mind and chest and feeling depressed and feelig stressed ad have worse OCD? Why am I doing this to myself?
Is this worth it? Is my pain worth it? Forgetting this does not mean that I have forgiven him and will just act as if nothing happened and give him a chance to hurt us again. Forgetting this is merely and purely for myself. Cos I have the right to be happy. I have the right to enjoy my life. Who do I have to burden myself with these thoughts day after day, night after night...feeling so troubled and bothered..while he walks around acting as if nothing happened...shirking all his parental responsibilities as usual and feeling happy and relaxed while I am tensed and uptight over everything?

Do I honestly wanna get cancer cos of him? Has he not destroyed me enough? Or rather destroyed me n kid enough. Have I not had enough of this? Am I not tired?

I need to let go of all these for my own well being. Does not mean that I will go have sex with him next minute or give him aother chace but just that I wanna let go of my own anger so as not to harm myself further cos of him cos IT IS DEFINITELY NOT WORTH IT.

Let there be peace in my heart and in my soul from now on. :)
And let my mind rest. :)