Not been happy

I have had a lightbulb moment. Now I know why I have not been happy for the past 12 years. I know now why I have had depression for the past 12 years. I know now why I have not had a moment of peace the past 12 years.

For the past years...the happiest moment I had was giving birth to my kid. Other than that I have been in misery and pain. I was not even happy on my wedding day. I have totally stopped listeing to my heart all these years. I have shut out my woman's intuition. I persisted in something that I know dep down that is not right for me. How to undo my mistake?

I need to rebuild my life again. I need to learn to be independent again. Espeially financially. Only with financial independence then can I break free from all this torture.

I will do it. I can do it. The focus is on myself and my kid now. No more unnecessary nonsense.

Optimum Health

It is all linked. Emotional unhappiness witll lead to no joy, thus leading to cell inflammation which leads to chronic diseases like cancer. Do I want that in my future? I have a choice. I can prevent this. I have the ability to take the preventive measures. No more emotional torture and abuse. I am manifesting all these abuse into anxiety and stress, thus resulting in my OCD ad depression now. I have to give myself more credit. I cannot allow all these bad stuff to happen to me further.

Things have to change by hook or by crook. I am going to reclaim my life. I am having my own comeback in life. I am going to live in peace adn joy and have innerpeace form nowon. I am going to do the things that will ultimately bring joy and balance in my life like exercise and meditation.

I need to banish stress. Stress will be gone after all the disappearance of all the emotional abuse. I am too burnt out and stressed out right now. I am so out of balance. My health is n ot optimum right now. I should move it from here to optimum. I know I can do that. I just have to make the right choices. I just have to cut out THE TOXIC MAN. I need to take a break from him to begin with. A total break right now I know is impossible based on all the circumstances so I need a long break from him. That is the next best thing.

I am on my way to healing and o the road to joy. My vocation now is to be a joy seeker. Seeking joy, enjoying life. Cos life is still worth living. We only have one lives. It is a pity to waste it like that and on someone like that. I should not be stupid anymore.

Self-Doubt

I have finally woken u. This person has been criticising me and judging me and scolding me till I have doubts about my own self worth. Thus my self esteem has taken such a nose dive that I can't even recognise myself anymore. I have given up most of myself as well....given up on my interests which he doesn't approve of and which he makes me feel guilty that I wanna do them.


Why did I even tolerate such a person in my life. He is so toxic to me. The sad part is he is supposed to be my partner in life yet he is creating the most toxins in me. He is defiitely a very toxic to me. He makes me feel really bad about myself. He gives me all the bad feelings. I have not had a heartwarming good feeling from him before. Throughout these 12 years of being together.......I have never truly felt happy in his company. Only anxiety that he will be angry over something trivial or sad that he treated me with indifference. It had been too tiring. I can't feel any cocerm from him. He himself admitted that he has no concern for me as well as no sympathy for me. It was from the horse's mouth. He had said many many mean things to me and I am sure he meant most of them. I couldn't believe all the horrible things he said about me and how he really felt about me. So what is the purpose of this relationship then? Toally going nowhere except more torture. The thought of him makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I absolutely hate spending time with him. Every minute with him is a torture and it is immensely detrimental to my emotional health as well as for my mental and physical health as all of these are linked somehow. I am suffering ill-health from all the abuse from him. May not be physical abuse but verbal and emotional abuses are harmful nonetheless.


How could I put myself through this further. I am extremely angry with myself for putting up with all this nonsense all these years and tolerating this further will ultimately destroy me. I dun think a future with this man is bright. Rather, it is going to be extremely bleak as it will lead to chronic illnesses. No one can withstand all the emotional torture and no one deserve to live like this. I deserve to live happily. I have gone through so much in my life. I shouldn't be stupid enough to put myself through unhappiness like these. I should seek joy and peace and balance in my life. I can't do so with such a toxic partner.

I do have a high tolerance level. That is why I am still here. That is cos I have been verbally abused since young by my aunt. I should have known better than to be abused like this by anyone anymore. I can't live like this. I should break free and find the innerpeace that I so deserve.

The truth will set me free

I prayed to God this morning to let me be emotionally detached from this man. It is just too painful to continue being emotionally attached to him. Need to cut all ties of emotional attahment. Enough of all the verbal and emotional abuse all these years. It had been too tiring. Enough of treading on eggshells everyday. Enough of being the targe of all his anger. Enough of worrying about his judgements. Just that I have had enough.

We get married so as to get a witness to our lives. But the kid of witness he is to my life is way too depressing. Not ever going to work. Have I ever ben happy with him this ast ten years? I dun think so. Been too stressful. He had all along been too petty abd all along had verbally abused me and manioulate me with his constant anger. I have not had a moment of peace since. Why torture myself further. I am going to give up on this as from today. No point hanging on to something that is not even real. The things he had said to me...I know he meant them and it realy hurts. But at least I KNOW THE TRUTH FOR THE TRUTH WILL AND HAS SET ME FREE.

At last I am emotionally and mentally free.

Too disppointed for words

I am speechless with disappointment. I cannot believe a person can be that ungrateful. SIaz..I dun wanna give him that much attention anymore. And I do not want him to affect my mood or my life anymore. I am so tired. So may years of nonsense from this one man...surely that is enough. Why is my horizon so arrow? Life is definitely much bigger than this! I ahould broaden my own horizon and make myself happy and reinvent myself and create a different and better direction for myself. i should take very good care of myself iregardless. I am taking the first steps. I give myself a big pat on my back. I have done good. I will do better. I can do it!!!

Lost

I feel so lost. I have totally lost myself. I dunno what I like to do anymore. I have absolutely no zest. I dun plan wat I wanna do cos I know I have no time to do them. I now do things cos I SHOULD and it is driving me nuts. I am exhausted and I hate my routine. Everyday goes by with me doing things I dun enjoy doing and NOT doing things I wanna do. I have totally no interest in anything anymore. Feels so dead and so numb. I wonder how I am going to survive at least 4 yrs of these. I dun think I can do it. Should I just let things drag on and shortchange myself for another 4 yrs? I cherish wat I have. I am grateful for every thing I have. But totally neglecting myself is terrible. Should I feel guilty that I am feeling sick and tired of all these. I am fortunate, yes. But should I totally ignore my own needs just not to feel guilty? Am I n ot being contented if I decide to do things I wana do? I SHOULD MEET MY OWN NEEDS. I SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILT FOR THAT. After all , this is my life and I have the right to live. I have the right to live. I cant just be bogged down by my responsibilities and obligations and cancel myself out. I can't.

For at least 9 mths..I have had not even a short break. I did nothing for myself. I did what I should 24/7. Why? I want things to do better. I have totally negelcted myself as a result. I feel really sorry for myself to see myself like this. This should not be the life I am leading. I need some fun, some enjoyment, some life, some zest, somekind of aim. I am living day to day like a zombie. It is scary what this is doing to my health. Not just physically but mentally and emtionally as well. Imagine I have all kids of physiacl ailments imaginable..I am totally anxios, depressed and have OCD. I have trouble concentrating and I have not much of a memory. How did I end up like this????

When I started being a full time mum 5 yrs ago..I was still zestful. Now I am totally dead inside , like a zombie and full of sickness. How to go on like this. Year after year, I get more and more depressed. Day after day, I lose more of myself and my health deterirates with the days. I feel so sad for myself. Everything seems so bleak and difficult. I feel trapped. I need some time to get well...to heal myself. What am I gonna do now?


I should delegate. Yes I should. I should make life as easy for me as possible. DUn let motherhood eat me up alive. Yes, I am thankful, grateful and contented that I am a mother but clearly it is eating me up alive! It is killing me softly everyday. I am dying a little with each passing day. I feel so numb ....I hate this feeling.

I feel so terrible most of the time.........so tense and anxious and having this fight or flight feeling everyday. I feel so stressed...so pressurised, like the whole world is on my shoulders. STRESSED. Not a good feeling. I hate this...I really do. I hate having no freedom. I hate having to remember so many things and living my kid's life. I have no life now. Absolutely none. I hate worrying everyday.

Joy

I need joy in my life to stay healthy. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health depend on it. Joy..that is what I am lacking for the longest time. I have put all my needs last for so long that I have kinda forgotten what makes me happy. I have lost so much zest and interest in my life that it is getting really terrible. And I am exhausted, burnt out all the time which is not a good sign.

I need to inject more joy in my life, take care of myself first for my health's sake. I do not want cellular inflammation and get a chronic disease in the end. Not worth it. It is time to get some help. Assisted living. Yeah. I have to admit that I cannot do it all and control it all. I have to learn to get go and relax and destress and live life with joy, with zest and with hope.

I learnt today that there are three things that can make a person feel good.
1. Exercise. 2. Meditation. 3. Sex.

OK.......Got it.

This show is really a wake up call for me. IT confirms what I have been thinking of all this while. I really have too much guilt. Guilt to feel relaxation. Guilt to feel plaeasure. I only feel guiltless if I self-sacrifice? Now I know that this is really soooo stupid of me. I have to give myself permission to do things that make me feel good without the massive guilt.

I was an individual before I got married. We were a couple before having a kid. I was living my life before being a parent. Life is not just about kids and motherhood. Life is not just being bogged down by responsibilities and obligations. There is definitely more to life than that. Live life and have fun. FUN AND JOY.
Give myself permission to do these. Banish guilt. I can still be a responsible parent. I will take care of my kid better when I take care of myself first. I have to put mysef on the top priority. I have to take care of myself fist beforeI can give to others. I was so exhausted and burnt out cos I had not been meeting my own needs. I am experiencinf fatigue cos I have not been eating well or taking good care of myself. Not too late to start now. I am fortunate to ahve this wake up call early.

This is really the beginning of a new ME.
Lessons learnt.

Another thing.....Eat a good breakfast everyday. Exercise every morning and meditate every night. ANd have good sex often . Hehehe :)

Not what but why.

This is so wise. It is not what you are doing but why you are doing a certain thing that really matters. The things that you are doing may be mundane, boring or even frustrating. But the reason why you do them may be out of love. The motivation is live. Lik ehousework. It is the most montonous, meaningless chores imaginable. But doing them out of love for my kid motivates me. Housework is neverending. You thought you have finished them but you gotta do them again. A vicious cycle that is totally endless. The chores are necessary but boring and meaningless.The routine is insanely boring. But knowing WHY I am doing them now sort of comforts and motivates me to go on. The motivation is definitely LOVE. Without love, there's nothing. The greatest thing on earth is love.

Let love br my motivation from now on..............

H2O

Water. I realy need water. Feel really bad wthout drinking the amount I needed in a day. Cant function.

Learning to cope

Some things in our lives..we just have to go through them. We have to do them. So stress is inevitable. What matters is how you cope with these stresses. For some, they cope by exercising. For some, shopping..... what about me? How do I cope with my stresses. I think chatting works very well for me, as well as watchng tv. Hhahaha...turning into a couch potato soon. I need to tone up my body manzzz..getting really flabby.

I have spent too much energy agonising about my situation. complaining about it...being enraged...so wat's the point? I am still stuck here doing the same things. still stuck the same rut. WOrrying and complaining really nouse at all. Better to have better coping strategies. Having an online journal helps. This blog kinda helped me straighten out my thoughts. I need to do this and to introspect everyday to achieve balance within myself.

I need this.

How to achieve the innerpeace?

All I can say is dun be too serious about everything. Just be happy while I can . Try to relax and reduce stress and try to enhoy life as much as I can.

Do lots of things that interest me and makes me happy. ALthough I have lost interest in mostly everthing, I have to force myself to have fun. If not..I will sink deeper into depression. I have to help myself get out of this black hole. I know I am so bothered by my routine but I have to learn to accept it and enjoy my life despite everything.

Take a few moments each day to meditate and feel the innerpeace within.

Feeling good

I actually had not felt this good for the longest time. Damn I actually feel good!
Like the anger inside me just evaporated. Like the depression in me is suddenly lifted. I feel good!

It is like suddenly I claim responsibility for my own happiness. I dun rely on others to make me happy anymore. I dun expect others to understand me anymore. I am at peace with whatever they have to dish out. I am joyful no matter wat they do.

I am no longer raging and unaccepting of everything. I am actually at peace. I have let go of all the anger within me and replace it with hope and joy. Something just switched and here I am!

Meditation with a smile helps.

I need to do toning yoga everyday. Eat more veggies n fruits.

Something switched on

I feel the lights being switched on inside me. I am more at peace now. Before I forget..some points to take note of :

-What do I really, really, really want?

-The happiest moment of my day.

-My words to myself..positive or negative.

I feel more at peace with myself. Like I am more able to be still and accept stillness.

Dunno ho to describe...but wat I want out of life now..is more spriritual. I believe that people are put into our lives to be our teachers. I have learnt quite a lot from the people around me the things about me. Especially people who push me to my limit.

I have learnt a lot about myself. Like how much patience I have.....my limits.....who I really am. I will take everything as a learning experience from now on. I have learnt more patience and find wisdom and peace in my own company in silence and stillness. All these suddenly make sense.

I have always wanted to fnd an external place to feel happy in, to find innerpeace in...but no matter where I go to...I dun find it. Now I know that this place is actually WITHIN myself and that I can go there whenever I want, wherever I want...whenever I need it. I can tap into this anytime, anywhere. It is a comfort to know that. The joy is within me. My happiness is within me. It is up to me to see it and to feel it. I have to unwrap all the layers of negativity and complication to find it within me and be delighted with the simple pleasures of life. Life is not as complicated as I think it is. Everything happens for a reason. Dun dwell too much into all these. Just find somehting to make myself happy everyday and be happy with the simple pleasures of this beautiful life.


Innerpeace, relaxation, contentment, happiness, laughter.

I just wish that I can shake this OCD soon..it is eating me up. What causes this? Too much stress for a long time? My ability to control the situation? I feel so stressed and scared and tensed till OCD. How to shake this?

It is eating me up alive!!!

I pray for healing soon. I pray fro a life without OCD soon.

Peace

I actually feel peace this morning. Maybe it is the classical music...maybe it is the beautiful morning..maybe I have some time to myself...maybe all three....I actually feel pretty good. That means I have to lengthen my mornings and shorten my nights. COs I feel so depressed at nights. Maybe mornings are more hopeful. Nights are a drag and so damn depressing. Always feel the worse at night. Should sleep earlier and wake earlier to enjoy this peace.

Just wanna let go of the whole situation. I know I have said this a million times. Need to let go and not be too insistent in a lot of things. Sometimes silence is better than arguing. Quarrels are cos u want the other party to think wat u think. Let go of convincing them to your thinking and there is no quarrel. Simple enough right. Sigh...damn sianz of everything. From now I live for the weekends!~~

Aim at feeling good!! I haven't felt good for the longest time. I need to feel good. I need to feel some innerpeacr. This is the time to heal and let healing take place inside me. Too many bad thoughts..too many negative stuff. Need to detox my mind. Get rid of all the negativity. Have a new direction. Have a new hope. Have a new life. I have this feeling that I am on the right path now. Put the negative past behind and be relaxed and at peace in the future and for the future.

It takes guts to let things be. Needs courage to let go of situations. By letting go I du mean don't care a damn anymore and let things deterioriate. By letting go I mean kow ing that I have no control over the whole situation and not trying to control things I have absolutely no control over. To be at peace with the outcome of things I have absolutely no control over. Like I have no control over the actions of others so I have to learn to let go. Dun try to control others...just control my own actions and be honest with how I feel and think. That wll be enough.