I promise myself

I promise myself from this moment onwards, I will start with day early with gratitude. Keeps me focused.

PMS

I will not let PMS control me. Neither will I let that man affect me!! I can do it!!! I shall not be controlled by my hormones!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My direction

The day has come. Whole new lifestyle. Dunno whether I can cope with it and be comfortable with it . But I will treat this as a new challenge. I have to have self control and promise myself to NEVER, EVER let other people affect my emotions again.

I must control my own emotions and not allow anyone to determine my happiness and sadness EVER again.

New Year, New Lifestyle, New Direction, New Choices.

I just wanna have fun....not be overy serious about everything...follow my heart...be a better person and a better mother this year!!!!!

If I have a choice.

If I have a choice, I wont wanna stay home everyday. I dun wanna be a housewife. I dun wanna look after my kid full time. I dun wanna cook. I dun wanna be overwhelmed by all the routine chores. I am never the homely type. Guess I will never be. If I have a choice, I will follow my heart. DO wat my heart desires without guilt.

I would wanna improve my health by improving my diet and exercise. If I have a choice..I will have a career which I have a passion for.

If I have a choice..I would be out now shopping and having a drink with friends. I will be chilling every day. Why can't I have a choice?

If I have a choice.

New year

I have a good feeling about the new year. I think it is going to be a good year. I know cos I have already made a promise to myself to be true to myself and be true to my own feelings. I wanan follow my heart. I wanna be mself without guilt.

I know wat my priorities are now. I will forever be 25 at heart and loving it. I still like romance.

Running on empty

I dunno whether it is my hormones or wat....just feel damn sianzzzzzzzz. And tired. I feel so bored and restless al the time manz. Nothing to get me excited. Not even christmas or the coming new year provokes any tinge of excitement or enthusiasm in me. Damn bored out of my mind. Nothing I wanna do also. Just feel like not moving. Just hope to laze arond but there are still chores to be done. Responsibilities still callig out to me. Sianzzzz....Yawnz X 100

What happened to all my zest? What happened to all my interests? I am hardly interested in anything now. Feel so aimless and lost. I have plans for my kid but no plans for myself. I am totally living my kid's life now. I am so pathetic. Pathetic beyond words cos I have no life of my own. Sianzzz........

I need to be excited over somehting again. I need to have some interestd again. Sianzzzzzz...bored..restless..............

Arghhh....

Now I know

Blood is definitely thicker than water. No one can give u unconditional love unless that person is related to u by blood. I am too hurt right now to type. Nvm.

I will heal..I will.

I will heal..I definitely will. After I cut myself away from all the toxic people. After I let go of all the people who caused me pain. I will heal. I will recover. Yes I will. One year later I will be secure and happy and self sufficient and independent and be in healthy relationships. Yup. That will be Me in a year's time. Happy, clear-headed, relaxed, happy and recovered from OCD and anxiety. Yes. I promise myself this. I will succeed.

How did I get here.

I have learned unhappiness cos I grew up in such and unhapy and quarrelsome environment. I hate the environment I grew up in. I saw too much unhealthy things already. It caused depression in me. It created fear and plenty of anxiety. I couldn't relax at all in that environment. Cos I was verbally abused everyday. It eroded my self esteem. There was no happiness and security. Only fear and abuse. I wanted to run away from all that. I hated those people. My self esteem was so low then. I was called useless every single day. I was being scolded every single day. All I wanted was someone to love me and show me concern and give me unconditional love. My desire for love was so great that i would do almost anything to get it. I had sex with guys just to feel love. It was pathetic. Sighz.....

That is why I try so hard to give a lot of love to my son. I wanted things to be perfect and for him to get what I didn't get in my childhood. Maybe I overdid it. But my childhood was so unhappy that I want to do my best to give my son a healthy and happy childhood. But I am broken myself. How can I give him something whole when I am far from whole? I am still broken and affected by my past.

My marriage did not help. I am married to a man who likes to manipulate me with his anger. He is extremely petty to the extent that if he doesnt approve of me doing something, he will give me a black face and be curt to me or be withdrawn. I hat being treated like that. I really hate it. It is like treading on eggshells everyday. Even very trivial and minor stuff will make him angry. I am very tired of pacifying him and trying so hard not to offend him.

I wanna break free from all these unhealthy stuff. I want to be happy. I wanna choose to be happy. I wanna live everyday happily. I wanna break free from all these toxic people. I will succeed. I will. I am so stressed everyday that I have OCD and anxiety as a result. I have to recover. He has NO concern or sympathy for me. All he cares about is himself. From what he has said time and again, I know. He has the cheek to say I am abnormal at least a million times when I have OCD. How much care will he have for me? I shouldn't be stupid anymore. He is not the one.

I will heal after I have broken free all all these toxic people who kept telling me wat to do. This is my life after all. I won't fall for their guilt manipulation anymore. Enough. Period.

Pull myself together pls

love

I love this quote,:"The way to love anything is to realise that it might be lost."

Perfectionist no more

I used to be such a big perfectionist. I want everything to be the way I want it to be. I want things to be almost prefect. I wanna be in control. Can I? Is this realistic?

Of cos not. I guess I am too burnout and tired trying to keep up the so called "perfectionist image" that I have in my brain. I have to accept the fact that I cannot control everything. I have to let go of the idea that I can be a pefectionisht and that it is possible cos it is definitely not possible.

I am not perect. I can never be perfect. SO why am I dreaming of the perfect life when there is no such thing as a perect life in this world?

I have to let go of all the resentment and bitterness for my own well being. I forgive not for the sake of others but for the sake of myself. I have to let go and forgive. If not, I will be equivalent to swallowing poison everyday and expecting the other person to die.

When the person is enjoying life, relaxing, eating like a kig, sleeping and snorng and happily watching tv...I am simmering in anger here. Totally overwhelmed by resentment and bitterness and destroying my health in the process. Is it worth it?
Why not just let go of the whole thing and enjoy my life and relax. Revenge is sweetest when I am living my life well and to the fullest and be in good health. No point destroying myself for another person who is like that....not worth it at all.

I have so many problems. Why add to them? Better to just take things easy and relax and live moment by moment with innerpeace and happiness.

Life is too fragile. Life is too short. SO!!!! Just let go......be happy now.....enjoy now...while u still can.

No time for negativity.

If

If things dun change I will really be stuck in this depression. I wanna get out but I cannot. Why is it like this?

I wanna reinvent myself. Look different, feeli different. Different focus in life . Different direction. I feel damn lonely.

I want to do something different.

Depression

Depression is anger without enthusiasm. Depression is anger gone inward. How true. I am angry that I am unable to change the situation. That's why the depression. Cos I dun have a solution at the moment. I must admit I am angry with everything right now. Maybe enhanced by my PMS. I am so weary. Sick and tired of doing things I should do but hate. I feel bored out of my mind and I hate to have no companionship. Sick of cooking. I super hate. I hate having no food. I hate being stuck here. I hate my marriage. It is boring beyond words. No connection at all. I kinda give up on it already. Anger is slowing overwhelming all aspects of my life. I am just so freaking tired. I know I have no solution at the moment..that's why the depression. I hate to be depressed. I am so immobilised. I am in a total state of inertia. Dun have motiation to do anything. Burnt out. I woner whether I need to see a psychologist or somehting. But even if I see one....what can he do for me except sedate me so that I dun think about my current situation. Is that really helpful?

Can he help me get out of this situation?
I can only help myself now...............
I am just so angry with this man. He is a total useless person. Can't even make a decision at all. I freaking hate him at the moment. Totally immatured. I cant even have a mature conversation with him. He has no empathy whatsoever.

So tired...how? How to face another day?

Cut out salt

My doc asked me to cut down salt. I did that for a while and got kinda bored and ate a bag of highly salted chips out of defiance and rebellion and boredom. I paid the price. The next morning I felt kinda sick. But being depressed and bored, I ate a big bowl of salty instant noodles. And I had a hard time sleeping that nite. Felt terrible. I never thught a bit of salt could have such a dramatic effect. Yeah, I should have listened to the doc. But I am way too young to cut down on salt!!!!!!! That was how I felt!!!!!!!! But I guess it has nothing to do with age for now. Just that my ailment will be worse if I take salt. So...well....have to restraint myself. I have to cut out the food I can't take. I have to belive that y doing so, I will not be feeling as sick.

So I can't be stubborn..have to cut out......

Also, I need to amputate the toxic relationships that are making me feel bad. I need to feel good without all the stupid guilt that other people try to instil in me. How to live life with so much guilt? I have to live one day at a time, one moment at a time, in peace and happiness and feeling good. I wanna live my life trusting my actions and on my own beliefs and my own terms again. All those stupid opinionated, judgemental, critical idiots aroud me and go and fly kite~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who are they to tell me what to do or how to live my own life? I know myself best. I am not a bad person. I am not an irresponsible person..............I know who I am.

I can't be with that person for now. I duno what will happen next time but for now..I really cannot tolerate this person and I really need a break away from him. He really makes me feel so guilty and bad abot myself. Life is too short to be dragged down by a person like that. I have to live my days happily and feeling good about myself...not be sucked into this bottomless pit of darkness by him.

Health is Wealth. I need to concentrate on that for now. I have too mnay ailments already. I can't add living life in misery to that!!!! I have to feel good everyday irregardless. Live life happily and to the fullest. Dun ever let all those toxic people especially that person to drag me down and instil tremendous guilt in me.

Now, concentrate on my health...good diet....good mood.....

Surround myself with positive, encouraging, supportuve people.

Do things everyday to make myself feel good.

Get away from toxic people. Dun feel bad or guilty no matter what they do or say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Innerpeace~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One moment at a time of innerpeace~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can I?

Can I ever get back to the beginning? Can I be myself again?

I need a mentor and role model

I need a mentor and a role model to inspire me. I am always attracted to happy, positive, self-driven people. I like people with confidence and a positive attitude towards life.

I need a mentor to inspire me. I need to break out of this self destructive rut.

Time

I havent been pening down my thoughts for a while now. I have been bottling up? Or just resigning myself to my fate? I do not know nor wish to think deep into it. All I know is that I am genuinely grateful for all that I have and that Ihave learnt gratitude. Appreciation for the smallest things and the ability to look at the positive side of things instead of always dwelling on the negatives.

I have learnt to stop and smell the roses. I have learnt the importance and benefits of stillness. But somehow I am still stuck in a rut. I cant deny I am still bored out of my mind. My restlessness is still there. One one hand I am contented and happy, on the other hand I am restless and searching for a way to break this boredom. Contradictory but this is exactlt how I feel. I wish things could be simpler than this. I am not discontented but I am not that contented either. It is like an aching in my heart for something more than this. Somehting that is for myself alone. A satisfaction and a happiness that is mine and mine alone.

Not being affected by other people or be influenced in any way by others.
Something that is totally mine. SOmething that I can run to and be perfectly happy. Something to make me hapy. Something, not someone.

I dunno wat. I dunno wat to do from now on except focusing too much on others and totally neglecting myself. I have given up my initial hope of finding a soulmate so what's more? I have given up on a career so what's more? What is my purpose henceforth? My purpose and mine alone. Not related to anyone else. Seriously who am I really? Who am I without all the labels? I dunno anymore. I only know labels now. I am a wife. I am a mother. So I do what a wife should do , what a mother should do. Then what? I dunno. Totally no idea who I am now. Totally no idea what my purpose is besides living up to these two labels. But I know there's more to my life than just being a mum and a wife. There is defiitely more. If not, why am I feeling this persistent restlessness inside me? This persistent naggy feeling in me asking me to step out of this box and do somehting. But what is this something? What should I do henceforth?

Verbal Abuse

What the hell...I was verbally abused as a child till adulthood and after I got married, am verbally abused by husband. %$^&*()_(*&^*()!!!!!

I wanna break out of this verbal abuse cycle.

I have human rights!!!!!

Why should I live my life seeking aproval from others and living up to people's expectations?? I have human rights too!! I have the right to choose and to live my life the way I want to. Do the things I want. I have the right!! I do!!!

Why should I feel guilty doing the things I wanna do? If I have a clear conscience. why should I feel bad doing the things I wanna do???? Why do I have to think so much about how others feel?? What about how I feel? I have human rights too!!!! I have the right to decide what I want to do!!!!!!! I have that right!!!!!!!!!


Live life for today!! No regrets!! Seize the day!!!!!!!!!!! No time for depression!!!!!!! Need to be full of zest to do the things that I wanna do!!
Need to live for myself again and out myself on top of my list again!!!!!!!

Myself

I have come a long way from being an insecure woman with extremely low self esteem to where I am today. I still do hear the little voice in my head telling me that I am not good enough, that I am guilty of things, that I am wrong, etc but I intend to stub out all these negative voices soon. I have to amputate all the toxic influence in my life. I am sick and tired of constantly beating myself up and sinkig into depression from all these negativity. I need to focus on the positive from now on. I need to get rid of this recurring depression and self doubts. I need to detox myself of all the bitterness, anger, guilt, negativity, low self-esteem, etc from myself. I need to be reborn to be a positive, happy person because I deserve that. I should not allow other toxic people to drag me down again.

I need to focus on the positive side of things right now. Be it my thoughts, my words, anything that surrounds me. I believe I will feel this through my actions. As long as I ACT happy, I will feel happy. Act and I will feel. I believe that.

I need a new direction for myself. Putting myself at the bottom of my list and listening to negative people say bad things about me is ot exactly gona boost my self-esteem. I believe a positive attitude is a good start. Get rid of the negative influence and walk towards the light. I realise my I have made my world so small that I have allowed myself to ne trapped in a small space full of negative energy and bad feelings. I have to step out of this box and widen up my life in order to feel better and to function better and to recapture the zest that I used to have. I NEED to be myself again. I NEED to believe in myself again. I NEED to be proud of myself again. I AM proud of myself and I appreciate being ME no matter what others tell me. I believe that I will be OK. I will be. I AM STRONG. I AM. I will be OK.

Be loving to myself , that's so important. Only allow good things, do not allow the bad things. Do something good for myself everyday. Mix with positive people who will not

Challenges to Myself

These are my challenges for now.

1. Discipline my kid positively and stick to it. Have more patience and not be provoked easily.

2. Live simply.

3. Stop buying unnecessary things.

4. Learn more about investments.

5. Try not to use the credit cards.

6. Be grateful.

7. Do yoga.

8. Eat more foods with anti-oxidants like fruits and vegetables.

9. Learn to cook a simple meal and learn to love cooking.

10. Be less rigid but not careless.

Insanely bored

I can't lie. I am insanely bored. Other than takig care of my kid, I really find my life meaningless and boring. I have somehow lost my direction as what to do with myself. I dun want to go on this way. It is really tough to live with boredom day in day out and I really have a problem with following the same routine everyday.

I dunno y. I dunno what to do . I somehow have lost interest in most things that I was interested in b4. Maybe I need new friends. Do new things. It is easier for me now to be stuck in a state of inertia than to DO something. Why have I given up on myself? To the point of depression. I dunno. Maybe I have lost hope...or lost interest. I have no idea other than I am freaking bored and I dunno wanna go with this boredom. I so uninterested in everything now. I have lost my zest, I can't believe it. I used to have so much enthusissm about everything. SO zestful. Now I can;t even bring myself to step out of this house. What is wrong with me?? I feel bored about everything. I have no energy for the smallest thing. I dun wanna believe that I have depression. I really think that it is my insanely boring lifestyle that is killing me. And the worst thing is I rather stay in this inaction than do somehting about it. I just dun care anymore. Sounds like depression.

I have lost interest in most things...I have to start somewhere if not I am really doomed. I have lost myself for the past decade. Do I really wanna carry on like this?

Let's list down somethings that I am still interested in:

1. My laptop. I think I can;t live without the internet these days.
2. Good healthy food. The biggest challenge in my life is to learn how to cook well and to LOVE cooking. Why do I bother. COs I think this is a very important life skill that a human being should possess. Cos all humans need to eat to survive.
3. Good TV programmes. Haha..I sound like a couch potato. Maybe I am..so what?
4.Music.Nice soothing positive music.
5.Looking young. I dun wanna grow old n fat. I wanna maintain my looks.
6. CHatting...I still love to chit chat with people.

That's about all for the moment.

Life as it is

Life.....just go with the flow......dun take everything so seriously....relax and let go of all the bad stuff. Be calm and relaxed under all circumstances....rest and take care of oneself.

After all, your body is allu've got so treat it well.

Practise this

Practise:

-Unconditional Love

-Forgiveness

-Patience

-Self-control

-calmness

Motivate others by example.

Go with the flow not go against it.

Decisions

Ok. I am not exactly happy but wt to do? I really dunno what can lift my mood or make me happy rite now.

I have neglected myself for so long

I have been taken over by guilt. I hate this. I need to think for me again.

Realisation

I realise that I hvae been leading a very tolerating life for the longest time. I have been tolerating the same old issues every single day, day in and day out and for what??? All so unnecessary. Whenever I am in a good mood, I have to be put in the same situation again by the same people. I fucking hate this. It is like a vicious cycle that I have no control to break out of. I hate to keep on tolerating this. I really fucking hate this. Every day......will it ever stop??

I am so exhausted. Fuck. When I was feeling fine..all of a sudden...bang! That idiot starts again. I am fucking sick of pacifying him. I can't even keep quiet or run away from it. He will go berserk, do fuck things till I react and pacifiy him. I fucking hate hate hate hate hate his behaviour!! I feel really totally so helplesss.
I really hate it but I have to tolerate this several times a day. I am not a saint. I am absolutely going crazy. I hate hate hate hate hate this.

All I want is some peace and total peace of mind. And I dun wana feel sick over this again. So stressed that I am feeling physically sick and for what??? So unnecessary. It is like mental, hysically and emotional torture every single day. I am actually beig emotiona;;y blackmailed every single day..several times a day. Most times I was so stressed by this that I dun eve know what I was doing and may end up doing things that are bad for me. I hate this but I canot stop it. I cannot control it. I feel totally helpless. I am trapped in this vicious cycle of torture. I hate this!!!!!! How to make this stop?????????????????!!!!!!! Fuck.

I dun wanna go crazy over this but I fear that I am going to. I am so fuckig stressed! Not worth it. Fucking hate this.

Something about me

I know I dun really like kids.
I hate to look after kids for a long time.
I have no patience.
I hate to be manipulated and controlled.
I love mornings.
I love scenic places.
I hate to be restricted.
I love a good conversation.
I love to chit-chat.
I hate irritating people.
I love to watch oprah on tv.
I love to do whatever I feel like it whenever I feel like it.
I love half hour comedies.
I hate routine.
I hate doing the same things all the time.
I like variety and new stuff.
I hate boredom.
I hate whinny kids.
I hate noise.
I hate to be disturbed.
I hate to be provoked.
I hate being angry.
I like peace.
I hate to let my hormones control me.
I love to go chill out with positive people.
I hate to please people I dun like.
I hate what I have become.
Remember the better person that I used to be?
Can I even get that person back???
I just need peace and relaxation and total peace of mind.

Now

It is hard work. To hard. I feel so tired. Feel so exhausted and drained of every ounce of energy. Headache and migraine. Pain.

I wanna do nothing again. I have not done nothing and things I wanna do for a long time. If I know it is going to be like this....I would have done things differently. I am like an empty shell now. Going through the motions, bahaving like a robot...doint thigs I should do instead of the things I wanna do. I am so freaking tired manzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

Dun wanna think anymore. SO tired.

Me

I am all about learning, chatting , doing and trying new things.

I love my laptop at the moment.

My goals this week:

Have an earlier day.

Teach my kid independence.

Do one new thing everyday.

Do one thing to make myself happy.

Be inspired by positive, zestful people.

New direction

I don't think that I am suffering from depression. I think that I am suffering more from boredom and a sense of aimlessness.

I guess I am sick of wandering around and going to all the same places and shopping and buying things that I don't need and as a result accumulating stuff and cluttering up the house. Sighzz...I guess it is no fun being aimless and wondering what to do with myself when I have the free time. Sianzzz n sighzz.......

Things to change:

-Teach my kid how to fish instead of giving him the fish. Let him learn independence and do things himself instead of relying on me. Let him handle his own emotions and mood instead of going to his rescue everytime. Get him to sleep n wake earlier. Also...help him develop his interests...give him the knowledge of the right values and morals and manners. I have to do this cos hubby would never do this.

-Quit telling my hubby to change his bad habits. He will not chnage no matter what I say. So leave him to do whatever he wants for himself.

-Have my own life again...don't rely on others to make me happy. I have to learn to be whole as a preson and follow my heart and make myself happy everyday.

-Learn to relax...de-stress......and start doing my yoga n exercise. Ten minutes a day minimum. Ideal is half hour a day.

-Start my day earlier and end the day earlier. Have to get used to this so might as well start now. Cos need to have a very early schedule soon.

-Eat better. Take better care of myself with healthier meals.

_develop my interests and hobbies. Things that interest me now that I can think of are......the internet....surfing....blogging(starting a blog on interests soon)...chatting with intelligent people....mahjong.....watching comedies.....listening to music..singing......learn photoshop....buying nice clothes.....taking cute pics.......

-have a purpose n passion which I dunno what.........yet.......no rush..slowly.....doesn't matter.

The difference

I have changed. No doubt about it. I have changed even beyond my own recognition. I feel like I have suddenly woken up and wondering why I did all that I did.

I used to do things that I feel like doing. Now I do things that I should do. See the difference. It is getting so agonising. I have totally neglected myself and my own needs. Why did I do that to myself. Now that I have 'woken' up, I really cannot comprehend how I could have just done everything that I SHOULD do like a robot. How could I make myself a robot and went through all the motions of doing things that I SHOULD, not giving a damn to how I felt about it? Even though I felt bad...I just tolerated and continued to do the things that are not beneficial to myself in the least. How to explain.......

From now on...I just follow my heart and listen to what it is telling me. I need to do things to make myself happy. I have to for my own well-being. I need to have my own life again.

I can't do this anymore

I am exhausted. I am sick and tired of all these. I can't go on like this anymore. Why must I put myself through all these? People treat me like shit and I still lap it up? Do I deserve to be treated like this?

I am a human being. I have human rights. I cannot put myself through tolerating all this. All these are so totally unnecessary. I have suffered unnecessarily. Why should my life be so difficult? All these suffering and difficulty are so unnecessary. It is time to let go. I cannot go on making myself so miserable by allowing myself to be manipulated like this. This is definitely not the wasy that I have to live my life. I have a choice. I cannot be manipulated like this and be happy and peaceful. Time to end all these pointless and meaningless suffering. I am entitled to a good and happy life just because I am born. I cannot go on being a toilet bowl for him to dump all his unhappiness, frustration and shit on.

I have changed so much..I can't even recognise myself. I used to think sacrifice is an act of live. Now I realise pointless sacrifice is an act of stupidity. All these all so unnecessary. He has to learn to be independent, do his won things. I am not his slave. Sometimes I do things for him out of guilt and worry. I have to let go of all the guilt and pointless worry. I ahve had it. This is going to stop here. Bear in mind..he is not a small kid anymore. He has to learn the ways of life and be independent. Bu doing everythng for him....I am actually ruining his ability to learn to be independent. I have to let go already and not him shit on my head anymore. Enough is enough. When he was younger I tolerated all this nonsense.....cos I thought he was young and didn't know much. Now that he is older...he is totally capable of doing a lot of things himself. I should stop doing things for me and let him treat me like a slave and also use me to vent h is unhappiness and frustration.

After I am married, all my marriage ideals just went down the drain. I thought marriage is companionship...having someone's shoulder to lie on and have someone to talk to when bored. I dun even have that. My hubby is not interested at all to do anything with me unless it is sex. He will only give my attention when he wants sex. Other than that, he will prefer to be left alone. No disturbance. He doesn't even initiate to chat or do anything together. If I bring this up to him..he will get angry as if me wanting to chat is wrong. That I should feel guilty that I should even bring this up. It is hard for me to have someone totally shutting me out unless he wants sex. I feel that he is the kind of guy who can be in any relationship as long as there is sex. He does not need a relationship.... he just needs soemone to fuck him whenever he feels like fucking. I totally give up. I am disappointed but based on my observation in the past ten yrs we were together...I have come to this conclusion. I feel so lonely and bored in this marriage. Whenever I bring this up to him..he will make it out to be my fault. LIke everything is my fault. It is useless talking to him about anything. He will think that I am wrong no matter what I say so what is the point of saying anything? I do not wanna quarrel with him. Such a waste of time and emotions.

So I give up. I dun wanna care anymore. If this is what he wants..so be it. I will still go on my life. I will still have friends and live the life I want from now on. I do not want to be dominated by all the problems created by these 2 people. Or rather...I will not be affected by these 2 people anymore. I wanna be independent emotionally and live the life I want and do the things I think are right.

Only by letting go then I will have peace...........

New

I need new hobbies..........

and new frens....

and a new direction.......

Bochup

I CAN BE DAMN FUCKING BOCHUP IF I WANT TO... DUN BELIEVE.....TRY ME.....

I care too much

I am in this state now cos I care too much about everything and everyone around me already. If only I can be more bochup about everything, I guess I would enjoy better health and be happier. I am too forgiving also. I am too soft-hearted. I am too stupid.

Now I think the most important thing to me is my health. I wanna be in good health again. Not to be affected by all these ungrateful people around me anymore. Enough is enough.

Think what they want...do what they want...say what they want. I am already immuned. Nothing can hurt me anymore. I only care about myself now. I feel so free.......what a good feeling.

What comes, comes. Whatever. I have spent too much time oblivious to myself and too immersed with all the things around me. I had let too much time pass by nelecting myself. Time to put the focus back on myself.

There is a limit to my tolerance also. Think I give up on trying to get others to care.
I love myself..that's good enough.

Life is still good with no expectations and thus no disappointments.

Hope and Hope

I need to b e more positive and focus on the positive. What u focuses on expands. So better to expand positivity than negativity. Yup. :)

Be at peace no matter what happens. Be hopeful. Stay happy. Relax.
Focus on positive emotions. Let it go...let it be. Dun allow others to affect my mood and my outlook in life.

Let Go and Let God take over.

I have this new sense of confidence that no matter what happens...I will remain calm and at peace. I will not lose control again or explode again. Since studies show that anger is better controlled than expressed....so I will learn to control it. I can do it.

:) Smile. Do the action and the feeling will come. Smile and u will feel happier. Laugh and u will feel more hopeful and happier and better.

Hope

I learnt this:

Hope is what keeps people going. Only with hope that u can have happiness. Hope is essential. We must find hope in the things we do in order to be happy.

All things happen for a reason. We need to have faith in our maker.

I have depression cos I have lost hope and am angry with myself for making certain decisions that are harmful to myself. Depression is drfinitely anger turned inward.

Letting go of a situation is the best way to move forward.

Anger is not the only way to react to a bad situation.

That I will live differently from now on with this new found wisdom.

HOPE. SO IMPORTANT FOR ONE"S HAPPINESS.

Things to do

Everyday..eat...dun go hungry.
Drink water.
Take meds.
Dun lose my temper or yell or be angry.
Sleep at regular times.
Let go of things I can't control.
Be patient that things will get better.
Have faith.
Laugh everyday.
Focus on positives.
Relax, not stress.

Why?

Sometimes I dun understand myself. Do I think I am Superman? I can't do everything. Why must I keep forcing myself and trying so hard to control everything and make everything as perfect as possible that it has taken its toll on me. My health has suffered greatly as a result. I refused to give myself a rest or take a break or do something for myself to make myself happy. All I did was do was I thought I MUST do and was the right thing to do...I OVERDID IT AND IT BACKFIRED ON ME.

I thought I was doing the right things.. But I was smothering. I thought I was trying so hard to control but the truth is it is impossible to control everything. I thought I was doing the right thing but over pushing myself and forcing myself...that I should feel guilt if I give myself a break or let myself slack or rest. What was I doing?? I was feeling so much guilt that it was hindering my own self care.

As a result..now my health suffered. The people around me suffered. Sigh....I made a mistake not just to myself but to my loved ones also. Sigh.......... Now my health is so bad....I wonder whether I will ever recover fully and feel good again. I will never push myself to the limit again or force myself till I drop again. NEVER. SOmetimes it is better to give space for myself and others. I need to take care of myself. DUn let guilt and worry overwhelm me to the extent that I cannot rest .

I am so afraid now. Feeling phsically sick everyday...really cannot function is no joke. Feels horrible. I wonder whether I will ever recover fully. If I do..I will NOT make the same mistakes again. This I promise myself. Sigh.......sad.

Anger

I am done with destructive anger. Anger never gets one anyone. When not expressed properly, it can really ruin things. Studies show that it is better to control anger than to express it.

I need more patience and less anger. Be slow to anger. I have such a quick temper, I need to explode less. I am not a volcano.

My attitude

Why am I thinking this way?? Why is my attitude and thinking now so selfish and self-absorbed? Have I been so influenced by him that I have lost empathy and kindness?
I cannot be like this. This will cause me more unhappiness. I dun wanna be unhappy. Why can't I have more faith in my own kid. Why can't I just enjoy the moment?
I used to be so forgiving and kind and never put anything bad presented to me to heart. I used to have such zest and enthusiasm to do things and have the courage to try new things. Why have I changed so much. Yes..I believe I have been influenced badly.

I just have to remember that he does not define me and that I don't have to think and act like he did. I am my own person. Whatever a person focus on expands. That matter has never bothered me. Only he seems so angry about it that it is beginning to bother me. But I feel what u can't change u have to accept. Acceptance is a smart way to deal with things.

I am who I am. I dun wanna be him or react like him to get his approval. Why do I need his approval. I dun need his approval to know that i am doing the right thing. He kept saying that everything that I did was wrong. Then what about him? Was what he was doing right? He was either trying to manipulate with his anger but choose to ignore everything. SO is that right??? I dun think so. So dun tell me I have been doing the wrong things. ANyway...who is he to judge what's right or wrong.

I am just too disappointed with this person. I was disappointed with him ten years ago..I am still disappointed with him now. Haha..some things dun change. I REALLY cannot stand him n o matter how much I try to psycho myself to.

Dunno how long I can stand this kind of life. At least I learnt one lesson...that is to always trust my heart and listen to my heart. My heart already told me that he is not the right one for me..yet I still went ahead with....sighzzz...I shouldn't have settled. I SHOULD have listened to my heart.

I need help

I need help. I cannot handle everything alone. But who can help me? No one. No one at all now. I feel so alone. So exhausted and tired of everything. So tired.

I need a break to recharge. I need to be me for a while.....

I can't think. Just that I wish to break out of this routine for a while. To clear my mind. To have a chance to relax.

I am so exhausted. Sighzzz......

Super Foods

These are some foods that I should add to my diet to be healthier and slow down the aging process.

1. Garlic
2. Tomato Sauce ( 10 tablespoons a week)
3. Olive Oil
4. Spinach
5. Raw Nuts
*6. Promengranate

I'll try to add these to my diet as much as I can from now on.

Cannot carry on like this

I really cannot go on like th is. I cannot be manipulated or controlled like this anymore. Really enough. There is a right way to love him and a wrong way. Giving him everything he wants and demands is definitely the wrong way to love him.

I cannot live my life like this anymore. It is too stressful. I cannot be controlled, manipulated and yet have to be overly cautious to the extent of obsessing anymore. It is too tiring going on like this. Whatever happens..let it happen. I have been running myself down trying to control this and that, feeling guilty when things go wrong and constantly worrying about when things will go wrong. It is too tiring already.. Time to let go of control...put things in God's hands and relax my mind. But that doesnt mean I allow danger to happen. Still have to be alert for danger. Other than that...I need to let go fo my own sanity, if not I will definitely end up going crazy. I cannot carry on living my life like this. It is too tiring. Whatever happens.....let it happen.

I dun wanna be overly worried, overly cautious, overly crazy, overly doing the right and perfect thing, letting my mind run in overdrive etc. Too tiring and stressful already. Time to relax and let imperfection take over. Whatever. What will be will be.
Time to let my mind take a much deserved rest. Dun be controlled anymore. Dun be afraid anymore. No fear....no worry and definitely no guilt.

Can't live my life like that. Whatever will be will be.

Good Mood

Hey I am in a pretty good mood now.........maybe I have talked today with people and I feel clearer in my thoughts...I dunno...just know I feel happpier...better. But I know there will be times when I will feel really bad...all the pain.

Sometimes I really wish I can just feel numb and not feel the pain that is inside me. It can get so unbearable. And the tension and the anxiety makes things so much worse. Migraine....makes it triply worse. Sigh...I am tired of coping....tired of dealing with demanding people and my health problems. SO tired...exhausted....

But I have to hang on..hang in there. I know I can do it if I try.

Me

I have a short term memory. I always forget what I wanna do just 2 seconds after thinking to myself that I wanna do it. I am going to log in to this blog and write about something that I was thinking about just now but once I logged in, I totally forgot what I wanted to write about. Sighzz..this always happens to me. So many times..isn't normal or am I going to be prematurely senile. I dunno...I sometimes can't think, can't focus....double sighzzzzzzzz......

Am I getting better or getting worse? I also dunno...I am just afraid of losing control. Maybe this is one of the many sypmtoms of anxiety disorders. I should not expect my depressive mood to lift overnight. It takes time...soemtimes a period of time so I have to be patient and do the things that I should do to help me in this area.

Just wanna destress and change my negative attitude into a more positive one...hope this helps...I just have to be persistent in this.

Sometimes in good times, I always think I can make it....but when times are bad...when I am in one of those moods...I think so negatively. Sigh...I have to control my thoughts....I have to try..........

Movies

I am into watching movies on vcds again. It is great and kinda nice to escape to other worlds and forget reality for a while when I am watching a movie. No wonder there are so many couch potatoes in this world. Most people want to escape from the realities of life. I am so bored out of my mind most times that I do not know what to do.

Now I love watching movies again. Good to learn from things from the shows or merely just enjoy the entertainment. I love romantic comedies mostly. I also love heartwarming drama.

I used to be such a do-er. Now that I am becoming more passive by circumstances, I just have to make do with the action on TV. Hahhaha.....sighzzzzzzz...

Heck

Heck Heck Heck!! What's wrong with me??? What is really wrong with me? Boredom? Aimless? Sick of doing the same things everyday?

If only I think of one thing to be grateful for everyday and just be happy and thankful for that one thing that day...I will feel contentment and happiness. I ahev been oblivious and blind the the many good things here. Instead I have been focusing on all the negatives and for what??

If I am bored.....do somehting....anything interesting. Why sit around and whine at my boredom??? Pointless? If I am aimlesss...then find an aim...anything..no matter how small. If I am discontented...think of something nice to be thankful for.

I can snap out of it if I have the perserverence. But I guess I am kinda freefalling now cos I am too tired to keep trying. I am kinda struggling to stay afloat and not fall into the bottomless pit of despair. I guess I just wanna freefall a while cos I am just so exhausted. Back to be back on track. Time to change my attitude. I have to ...if n ot, I will never ever feel contentment or happiness. Why live this way? So unhappy all the time? Why? Not as things are really that bad??

What is wrong with me? My guess is I am really too bored....I am by myself too often...I am home too often...I have stopped having frens to talk to. Sigh....

I have really changed. I can't recognise myself anymore. I have changed since I become a full time mum. It was a slow but gradual change. I have managed to kill off the zestful self...slowly but surely. I cannot be at the bottom of my priorities anymore.

I have to take care of myself again. I need to have that motivation to do this. I cannot be wallowing in self-pity and stay in this depressive state for long. This is definitely taking a toll on my health. Emotional well-being really affects physical and mental well-being. I have to try. I have to. I have to get out of this state of inertia. I HAVE TO.
I just have to.

Focus on the positives, please. Please focus on the right things. Please.....pull myself together..please,please, please. I dun wanna rely on anti-depressants which may not work cos I am so sensitive to meds. Sigh..... I need to make baby steps...one step at a time in the right direction. I need to...I need to.........

I need to love and be loved again. I need to care again....I need to have fun again...I need to let go of all the worries and I need the zest in my life again. I need to try new things again! I need to be interested in things again. I need tobe positive........I need to so the things I feel like doing and which make me feel good.

I have to try. I dun wanna go on living like this....so unhappy.....so depressive.

I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. I have to do this for the pple who love me.

I have to learn to let go of trying to control......the situation....other people's behaviour and reactions. Only when I succeed in this then can I find true innerpeace and happiness. Give up control and just let go of all the worries. Guilt and worry are 2 really useless emotions that really get u nowhere...absolutely nowhere.

So someone I care about does not respond the way I want him to.....he acts in a way that I find hurtful so what do I do? Leave him alone....... give him space to sort things out so that he can behave better again. I need to have the patience and faith to leave him to his own feelings which sometimes have nothing to do with me. I need to learn acceptance of the situation, relinquish control and let go and let time take care of it. I cannot take care of it..TIME CAN.

Enough

Enough about rules. I just wanna follow my heart and do whatever pleases me. Just do everything in moderation. Dun think too much...just do it if I feel like it. No rules. Moderation.

Bad Mood

I am in a real bad mood today. I hate to stay home on a weekend. I hate him screaming at me for such a trivial matter. I hate all these...really..I am so tired...exhausted...depressed. I feel like crying all the time..non -stop being sad. Am I really suffering from depression? I can't be. I thought I can control myself and my mood but it turns out that I cannot. I am so scared of myself . I am totally out of control at times. What am I to do? And I have this persistent inertia and low mood but I dun wanna take anti-depressants cos I dun want the side effects. I will try to battle my depression but I am just so afraid of losing control of myself.

Dun wanna be her

I dun wnna end up like my mother. That is my greatest fear. My mum is really a poor victim of her circumstances.. I dun wanna end up like her...I DUN WANT!

I and her are pretty similar. I told myself that I am too smart to be like her or end up like her but recently I really have this fear cos I am beginning to feel terrible.

I dun want my marriage to end up like my parent's.........cos theirs is based solely on sex and not companionship. Mine is more or less the same. I dun want mine to be like theirs when the sex goes. Sigh...

I dun wanna end up like my mum...ill health...stressed...depressed...
run down. :(

I have to improve on my health and mood and not stressed and be relaxed. I wanna be happy.......

My Comeback

Thinking, Feeling, Sensing and Acting....which area of my life is being chipped away?

Who Am I?

What is the one thing that is missing from my life?

How am I going to answer these questions.

I think more more. I guess I have more idle time to think more and the worse thing is I think more negatively. I feel more too. More negative emotions...depression.....resetment...hopelessness. My sensing is not as good as before..and I drfinitely take no action in anything now.

Who AM I? I dunno....Am I existing? Yes I am , not living.

What is missing from my life? Proper meals.....Proper, nutritious meals and company and friends.

I can't do anything..I am stuck in a state of non action.

Need some company

Sometimes I feel, I just need some company...I need someone to talk to and so things with.

I will have it......:P

Here's to a new attitude in life :)

Hope and Zest

I have definitely lost my zest in life. I remember myself when I was younger. I was a totally different person. I had so much zest and love for life then. I love to try and do new things. I had so many interests. I am enthusiastic to do things. Now I am just in a state of inertia, stuck in depression and unable to move forward.

Maybe I have lost hope in my life....or maybe I am thinking that there is nothing interesting to look forward to in my own life. I dunno. I am just stuck in a state of bad health of moodiness and depression and inertia. I cant move, I can't think positive and I can't get myself motivated. I wonder what has happened to me? How did I get myself to be in such a state? I think I am slowly killing myself...slowly I am deterioting. WIthout even realising it...I have dropped out from the game of life. Instead of being a participant which I was...I was the kind who make things happen...now I am merely an observer..someone who watches what happens and not take action. That is me now. I am beginning to hate myself for this. I am angry with myself for pushing myself to the limit and neglecting my own needs to the extent that I have become this walking zombie that I am now. I have unknowing caused myself to be in this state cos I pushed myself too much and had not cared for myself properly for a long time.

I am really angry with myself..thus the depression. Depression is definitely anger turned inward. Sigh......the question is...how to get out if this and reclaim my life? The life I once had which I thought was so exciting and fun? When can I ever do the things I love to do...not worry.....just throw caution to the wind...not plan...not think.....not nag.....just look forward to doing the fun things I love to do everyday?

I feel trapped ......I feel stuck...I feel that I am in a self jail...self trapping....not doing anything...not knowing what to do with myself....aimless.....no direction...moody..unhappy.........no motivation to do anything.

My world has suddenly become so small. No one to talk to...no one to be with. Tons of things I SHOULD do which I dun feel like doing. Things that I MUST do. SIgh...tired. I feel so tired, exhausted, weary. I can't go on. Mentally I am always full to the brim with things to do. Emotionally I am empty, physically, I am burnt out. Spiritually? I dun even have a spiritual side now. I am a total robot. Mechanical, unhappy, walking zombie.

Maybe I need new friends. SOmeone to help me regain the zest that I have. I have to rediscover my hobbies and start doing things I love again. Sometimes I really feel th is man reallly has a part in me feeling so bad right now. Maybe I had put too many eggs in this basket...it is time to spread my eggs out.

Truthfully, I cannot stand this man. He is wishy washy, timid and a scaredy cat... I find n o security in him. I feel that I cannot even depend on him. I find that I have to rely on myself more....even in parenting our kid. He has loads of excuses why he is not disciplining our kid but I dun buy it. He is just too weak. Although I appreciate the fact that he does things around the house but still..I still feel no security with him.

I definitely need more positive influences in my life. More things to do taht I truely enjoy. I need to LIVE again...not just exist day to day stuck at home thinking negative thoughts...self trapping...faing negative influences.........I need connection to the world again.

Can I do it? Yes.

Hold My Tongue

It is wise to know when to hold my tongue. Sometimes it is better not to say somethings than say them. Although I have this bad urge to say whatever that comes to my mind, it is still better not to say somethings which I know I will regret saying or will bring harm to the other person.

It is better to be wise than to cause all the bad things when I say things I shouldn't have said.

It is really wise to know when to hold your tongue.

The Surrendered Wife

I am going to be the surrendered wife from now on. I am going to leave him alone when he is in one of those moods instead of confronting him and having an argument as a result. It is better for me to give him space than to talk to him and convince him of anything which will not get through to his brain when he is in one of those moods.

So, to prevent any unnecessary conflicts and needless quarrels, it is BETTER to give him the space during these times. I am not his therapist nor his mother so I am not responsible to deal with his issues. Unless he asks me for assistance, I will just leave him alone. Leave him to deal with his own issues.

Scolding and nagging do not motivate so no point being a pain when he will definitely not listen. So , dun waste time and re-channel my energy into something more positive.

Quarrels are just to convince the other party to our thinking...so when we dun try to convince, there will be no quarrels. Accept the situation rather than aiming to change it when I know very well that it cannot be changed.

So why create unnecessary touble for myself. Might as well put my energy into taking good care of myself and making myself happier. Avoid situations that will trigger off all the unpleasantness and arguments.

I am the surrendered wife....which is not a bad thing but a necessary part to my survival here. Better not to be in situations that will be triggers. :)

I am surrendered but at peace.....and happy......:)

Have some faith

Faith..yes , it is so important.

Have some faith in God, have some faith in life, have some faith in myself, have some faith in my son, have some faith is my hubby. Have some faith in my loved ones.

From now, I am going to have some faith in everyone. Do not think of the negatives once something does not live up to my expectations. Just accept, have faith and move on. :)

*Smile*

Things I learnt today

The biggest challenge in life is to deal with the boredom of everyday life, the monotony of the nitty gritties of everyday life and to make soemthing extraordinary out of the ordinary. Be amazed by the how extraordinary ordinary things really are.

To inspire rather than nag or scold the kids. To not give them the lesson of being insatisiable by giving them too many stuff and to teach them to just be rather than the need to have all the time. To teach empathy and sympathy to kids. Inspire and help them be in tune with their own inner voice to do the right things for themselves rather than telling them what to do all the time. Inspire rather than scold or manipulate themm to be what I want them to be. Dun ask them what they wanna do when they grow up. Rather ask them what they wanna be. DO they wanna be a good person? Teach them the right values. Give them the gift of myself rather than the material gifts. teach them that they do not NEED the material things and a lot of stuff to be happy. They can be happy just as they are not when they have things.

The left hand of unconditional love and the right hand of boudaries, rules and discipline. This is what parenting is. Say No cos we love them and want them to be a better person. Giving in to all their demands just to avoid conflicts will not make them a better human being. This will rob them of their ability to feel and empthasie which is so important.

Interact with your kids. Give them positive attention and inspire them. Scolding and nagging are the wrong ways to motivate people. Very negative.

There is a choice everyday. You choose postive or negative.. You choose to be happy or not despite everything. Happiness is definitely a choice. You choose to be self destructive or not. Everything is a choice. CHOOSE WISELY.

Give my kid the positives , not drag him down with my own personal negatives. Set a good example....Be a good example.....Be a good influence in his life rather than be the neagative influence. It is time to step up on the plate and be a responsible parent. Not a perfect parent cos nobody is perfect but to be a good and responsible one.

Not to hold on to everything for dear life but leanr to let go and go with the flow.
Not to struggle to control everything but learn to give up control cos no one can control everything in his/her life. Impossible so dun try.

Let go.......dun control....be contented......choose to be happy despite and relaxxxxxx..... and dun forget to smile and laugh.........

Pull myself together

I have to pull myself together! I cannot allow myself to fall into the bottomless pit of depression anymore.. I realise that I give in too much to how I feel. Sometimes I have to do somehting irregardless of how I feel. I may be feeling depressed, moody but I have to not let it control me. That I must still function despite feeling all these negative emotions.

Embrace

I have to accept my life..embrace it instead of repelling it. Since I cannt make any drastic changes to my life right now, I might as well just accept everything that is in my life right now and be contented with whatever it has to offer and to be the best in what I have to do everyday.

So I am a wife...be the best wife....but does not mean I need to be a door mat.
So I am a mum...so I be the best mum but does not mean I don;t discipline and let my child rule me.

Just be the best that I can be in these areas.

Embrace my life........... :)

No time for depression

I realise that I really have no time for depression. Sometimes I think, whatever I do , does not matter and will not affect anyone but it does. My son is affected by EVERYTHING that I do...no matter how sybtle or small my actions are,....he is still influenced and affected by me. So ,from now on, I must really be mindful of what I do. I do not want to influence him negatively anymore. I realise that my quarrels with my hubby really affect my son a lot. I feel so sorry for him. I will try my best not to put him through such negative things anymore. I read somewhere that whenever one quarrels in front of one's kid, one will rob the kid of his innocence. I really do not want to affect im negatively anymore.

I have to learn to have self- control and control over my emotions at all times, be it PMS, hormaonal imbalance or wharever. I do n ot want negative emotions to cause anymore damage.

I will have no time for depression. I have too much to do now. Too many amends to be made and too many changes to be done. I have to stop having too much idle time. I need to do soemthing. Idling will lead to negative thoughts which will lead to negative emotions and that will lead to damage. SO no point. It is better to be occupied than to be idle and it is better to care than not care.

I will not let my moods control me anymore. I will live my life with more self control from now on. :)

Manage my moods

I need God.......He is my anchor in life. I cannot go on blind and aimless.

I cannot use hard on hard.

I must use the good qualities against all the bad stuff. Oh shit..wat am I writing?

I am simply too tired. Survived on 4 hours of sleep each nite for the past few nites. Sleep deprivation, thinking too much, under too much emotional stress...all these adding to my fatigue. Sighzzzzzz....

I read somewhere that u can damage ur nerve vessels when u r angry. I guess I muct have damaged a lot by now. Sigh...what am I doing? Why must I always react??

Learnt today that my mood swings are not my fault and that my moods dun define me.

Hmmm....ok...but I have to learn to manage my moods before they destroy me and all that I have. Yeah...my moods are that uncontrollable at times. Cos my triggers are all too powerful...I am really under a lot of emotional stress...........Arghhhhh.....

Cant get out. The triggers and stressors are still there and there are plenty of them.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... I have to be calm...maybe I should try mediatation? Om............................................??????? I dunno...cant think...I need sleep.

Arghhhhhhhh..... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

I need rest. Physical, mental and emotional rest.
I need plenty of rest. I need a time out from all emotional stressors. Arghhhhh.......

Breakthrough

Today is a breakthrough day fo rme. I have always thought that I was doing the right things all along. Now then I realise that I have been doing all the WRONG things and have been doing more harm than good. Sigh.....I have to change my behaviour in order for him to change his behaviour. I have to learn when to hold my tongue. I realise that if I carry on having ao opinion about everything, it will not be beneficial for my son or my marriage. I will try my best. I will slide now and then but at least I know what to do. I am on the right path now. Most of all, have faith.

I have been thinking about this since yesterday night and have a headache as a result. Enough thinking about this. Have a break....enjoy myself today and have a blank mind. My brain desperately needs a rest.

But I am at peace. Relaxxxxxx........calmmmmmm.......hehee :P

DO these this week

My mood: stressed and irritable.

Level of relaxation= Tense and anxious all the time.

Too many things on my mind.

My level of tolerance=Zero

This is my current situation now. I am up to here with his whinning. It is such a disturbing habit to me. I dun wanna tolerate it anymore. My goal is to stop his bad habit and reinforce a more positive behaviour from him.

But I learn one thing...what u focus on expands....I guess I have to learn not to think and put my attention on this problem too much so as not to make it bigger than it is.


I need to do this this week:
1. Put down the ground rules and follow through.
2.Do not tolerate bad bahaviour. Dun give attention to any bad behaviour so as not to encourage it.
3. Need him to know that there is a consequence with every action.
4. DO not let him have his way no matter how much he whines to get his way. Be firm.
5. No nattering.
6. Do not give him too much attention or praise. Praise only his good behaviour and actions.

I need to do these for myself: (although it is hard)
1. No matter what...be calm.....dun aggravate the situation.
2.Do not magnify matters.
3. Learn to let go and let it be.
4.Do not be overly anxious about my kid. Trust him to make a good choice and remind him when he hasn't. DUn remind him ALL the time.
5. Acknowledge and praise the good sounds he makes.....his nice voice, his nice smile, and his cheery behaviour. DUn focus on his whinning and crying.
6. Expect good behaviour from him.

Above all, try to relax...stay calm and LAUGH. LAughing releases negative emotions.

Hope this works.....I am really so stressed out. SIghzzzzzzz

What have I done?

What have I done? It seems that I am conscious enough recently to ask myself this question. Seems like I have lived the past decade of my life with my eyes closed, oblivious to everything that have happened. Now I feel I have finally "woken" up.

I take a look at my life now. Been introspecting a lot lately. I guess it is in my nature to reflect and intropect now and then but I guess I have stopped listeing to my heart for the past decade. I have neglected my heart and turned a deaf ear to what it has to tell me. Sigh...what have I done?

Am I happy with the way things are now? I feel that I am contented, satisfied but not happy. I am appreciative and grateful for everything that I have right now but I am not happy. Maybe I am too bored, or maybe.....ok..I should stop making excuses and stop using my head. My heart tells me that I am very lonely and that I have no connection to anyone.

Actually I already know that this will happen but I tune myself out..not wanting to face this. Even b4 the ROM, I already know that it is going to be a non-sharing, communicationless, chatless, emotionless kind of marriage that I am going into but I still do it anyway. Maybe all I want was security then. I was a very insecure person. Since childhood I had hated to be alone. I had wanted security. Seeing how he acted b4 and after the a#$%tion, really kills all hope that this man is ver going to care a lot about me. I guess my heart died that day and never fully recovered.

I can forget that incident but I cannot forget the fact that he actually cared so little about me and his coldness. If I want to put it behind me, probably I can but ,now, I am faced with this emotionless, non-sharing kind of situation with him everyday that I am kinda tired that we cannot even communicate like friends. He is not my friend at this moment. Maybe a house mate. I dunno how to explain but I am really losing hope and interest in this relationship if u can call it relationship. I know he is not a bad person and that I really appreciate all the things that he had done for me but I feel I am really much happier if I detach myself emotionallly from him.
Just dun expect to have any kind of emotional connection with him. No such expectations and maybe I will be happier but then what's the difference if I am single or married now. Both being emotionally detached from anyone.

Life.......

Boredom and unhappiness can really deplete one's spirit and eat away at one's soul in life. You seemany people, beautiful, healthy, rich but they are in so much emotional pain that they become so unhappy and depressed and as a result , do destructive things to themselves and sabotage all their relationships and their lives.
Sighzzz.....see how powerful happiness is...when one is not happy, one will tend to make life really miserable for oneself.

And the surprising thing is even fithy rich, gorgeous looking, healthy fit individuals succumb to depression and self destruction. Maybe no mmore goals to fulfil, or nothing much more to look forward to in life. You always think when I am rich..I will be happy. WHen I have bigger breasts, I will be happy. We always want what we dun have. ANd we always want to be loved. Happiness seems to be something so far from our grasp. ALways..I will BE happy WHEN........... and when we get there , it will always be something else. Never satisfied, never contented, never happy.

Why cant we all just be happy now? Just be happy...no reasons. No need reasons. Sometimes one may think...I will be happy when I am loved by him....hmmm....why?
Cant just be happy , no strings attached? I cant understand the mentality of human beings. Why must things be so complicated. And why must people be afraid of boredom. I am bored, so what??? Must I frantically find something to do and fill the void? Something to excite and interest me? Is there a MUST? Purpose....some people are working so hard to find their purpose in life....is purpose really so important? So, I dunno why I am here...SO WHAT???
Do I need to beat myself up cos I have no goals, no purpose and bored all the time? SO WHAT IF in the eyes of other people , I am wasting my time? SO WHAT if THEY think I could be more productive with my time?
WHO R THEY to tell me how I live, what to want out of life, etc? SO WHAT if I just wanna do things just to enjoy myself and bum around each day? If I can afford to live like this....WHO IS ANYONE TO JUDGE ME? I live the way I like. I have free will to do whatever I want.
Keep all your opinions to yourself. I dun need anyone's approval for the way I live.
My existence counts just because I exist...nothing else. I dun have to prove to anyone that I am worthy cos of the THINGS I DO, WHAT I CAN CONTRIBUTE, etc. I dun have to 'raise' my own worthiness by doing more things approved by other people. NO NEED TO.
I am worthy just because I exist. I am enough just because I am. DUn give me all the crap about what the norm in life is...how pple SHOULD live.....WHY SHOULD I BE OTHER PPLE?? I just wanna be ME! DUn tell me what I SHOULD DO cos NORMAL PPLE DO THAT. SO WHAT if I dun do what NORMAL pple do?? Must I spend my entire life following the crowd and doing what they approve of??? We are individuals with individual brains. WHY must we FOLLOW what others do for the sake of being NORMAL??????
I believe in myself. I haven't believed in myself for a long time but I do believe in myself NOW. I have gained the trust in myself back. I am proud of myself irregardless of what u think or of what others think. I only care about what I think now. As long as I believe what is right...I dun NEED u to tell me I am wrong and make me feel guilty. It is not going to work on me anymore.
I am COMPLETE now, even without u. YOU DUN COMPLETE ME. I AM ALREADY COMPLETE WITHOUT U.
I AM HAPPY NOW. I AM AT PEACE...I REALLY AM. I do not wanna try to control anymore...I just TRUST that life can take care of itself.

These have got to change

Some things need tobe changed.

I am not going to let my son step all over me, shit on my head, vent all his crap on me just cos I love him and want him to be happy. No more. He needs to have some male influence in his life so that he will not continue to the whinny kid that he is. I have been tolerating all his nonsense just cos I love him sooo very much but I realise that if I really love him , I need to make him an independent person rather than to be reliant on me all the time. Love is moulding him into an independent and responsible person and not doing everything for him all the time. He needs to learn how to handle certain situations on his own. To love him is to make him independent so that when he goes out into the world, he will survive. He has to learn how to take care of himself and all the necessary survivial skills and the handling of his own emotions, etc.

I had loved him the WRONG way. I love him a lot...so much so that I do things for him that will not benefit him in the long run. I had allowed him to be overly reliant on my in almost all aspects which will not help him in his own growth. Cos I felt so unloved as a child, I had wanted my child to feel so loved and to meet his every need so much so that it is actually not doing him any good in the long run. I have to love him the right way....by providing h im the necessary skills to make him an independent person. I also have to let him have the skills to handle his own emotions without me having to comfort him all the time and allowing him to vent all his unhappiness and frustrations on me. How stupid could I be. I thought I was loving him when I did all those things in the past but I realise now that all these will only hinder his own growth in life.

I have to learn to let go and let him learn the things himself. Let him grow as he will.

Weekly Goals

I am moving from pain towards power. Slowly but steadily, I am not halfway there yet but I will get there. Yes, I will.

This week's goals:

1) Take good care of myself.
2) Do not criticise or scold or blame anyone for anything.
3) Sleep or take a break when feeling really lousy.
4) Do not lash out at anyone or have angry outburst.
5) Relieve stress and control migraine.

Lost Hope

I am so hungry right now and when I am hungry I think all negative thoughts.

I am the type of person who cannot be hungry and cannot function without a proper meal.

I feel so hopeless right now. I have basically lost hope in almost everything.

Somehow I am existing but I have shut down and checked out.

Not enough?

I have always had feelings of not being enough....not being good enough.....

But now I have learnt to have a higher sense of self esteem just because I am me.

I am enough just because I am.

Do I know?

Do I know what I want now? Can I even get what I want. I am in a confused state now. Not enjoying any innerpeace at the moment. I feel more numb than unhappy. Like I dun care anymore. Whatever.

I guess I dun like being alone. And there's no one to talk to except this blog about my innermost thoughts. I really wish I have someone to talk to. I gues I need someone after all. I dun wanna be alone.

I am tired....really tired. I dun wanna think....plan or do anything anymore. I just wanan let go of everything cos I am too fatigued to care. Too weary to carry on like this. I am shutting down but I dun want that.

How did I end up feeling like this??

Regrets

I regret putting all my eggs in one basket. I really regret marrying someone I didnt love or admire. There is simply no connection between me and him. It is not his fault...I guess it is no one's fault. Chemistry cannot be forced or arranged. Feelings cannot be created. It has ti come naturally. Guess I have no such feelings for this person.

I regret, I really do regret making certain decisions that led me to this place. I think the only good thing that came out of this marriage is our kid. I love him lots.

I regret not following my heart when I had the chance. Maybe it is because of my very low self esteem then. I did not care at all about my own needs. I dun care about myself at all. I just do what I think I SHOULD do at that time and chose the path that I thought was the safest for me. Now that I introspect, I really regret not following my heart and taking more chances and more risks. Sigh........

I am a very passionate person. I cannot settle for emotionless things. Like my marriage now...totally emotionless. It is so difficult for me to face the way things are now. I have this aching feeling inside me. Not that I blame my hubby...that's the way he is and I have kind of accepted that fact but having no connection with him is what tore me to pieces. Definitely no connection. Double sigh........ no sparks either. I really dunno how to face him or what to say to him. Due to our exploding history, I guess it is very difficult to get things on the right path again. The right path being distant politeness? Our path has moved from being distant politeness before all the quarrels to being awkward and landmindish now.

I read this book which says that life is made up of many aspects and by putting one;s entire emphasis into one aspect of life like a relationship is really not healthy. I have to shift my focus to the other areas in my life too and make things more balanced. I need some thinking and life coaching and plenty of planning now.

I know myself too well. I dun thrive well under stress and responsibilities. I dun like to try to live up tot other people's expectations. I just love to live life in my own terms and do what makes me happy. I dun like people to make me feel guilty just because I didnt do certain things. I dun like others to tell me to do what they think is the right thing to do. I rather do what I think is right. I realise me and hubby have too many conflicting ideas and beliefs that make it very diffficult for me to accept or even to live up to his expectations. I am who I am . I am me. I know what I am good at, suck at, happy with. I dun like him to put the guilt concept into me just because he thinks what I should be doing instead of what I am doing.

How can u expect me to listen (meaning obey) u when I dun even believe in what u say? I am not a puppet.

I do not wanna be a puppet anymore. My emotions will not be controlled or be manipulated by u anymore.

Cheers to my new life.....cheers to being truly me.......

I have changed

I have changed....really. I used to be such a nite owl....I love to stay up and love the nites. Now I am a morning person. I love the fresh air in the mornings and love the idea that everything is so fresh and beautiful.

I used to love going to nightspots. Now I prefer nature. I love the atmosphere of natural surroundings.....so calming and , of course, all the positive energies.

I love doing healthier things now compared to last time. I take care of myself more. I think I am on a more positive road now.

Shopping

Shopping. I just say I love to buy stuff....rather impulse buying.

I guess I am just shopping to fill the void that is within myself. I feel so empty inside that I use stuff to , hopefully, fill the emptiness inside. I guess that will not work.

I have to challenge myself to live beneath my means and to simplify my life and fill the empty void inside me with something meaningful rather than accumulating stuff and hope to feel better.

I have to not rely on retail therapy to feel better anymore.

I really have to change my perspective and attitude. Impulsive shopping and buying will only relieve my mood temporarily. I need something more meaningful to fill this emptiness. I have to feel good from the inside, n ot rely on outward things to make me happier.

Challenge myself to not use things to fill my void.

Fun fun fun

Being a stay at home mum is the hardest job on earth. Really tough. Especially if you have a very difficult and problematic child. Who says a housewife's job is easy..it is never easy. You are on call 24/7. Who can stand it? Sigh...life is hard.

FUn. I miss it. I have forgotten how to have fun...I have forgotten how to live my life. My whole world is centred around my child. I have to let the focus be back on myself. I cannot go on living my life postponing having fun out of guilt cos taking good care of my kid is top priority. I have to have fun in the midst of this too. If not..I will be very unhappy and sink really deep into depression.

I need a change of my perspective and attitude towards this issue. I really cannot go on cancelling myself out and think that I DUN MATTER. I DO MATTER. I need to take good care of myself and that inculdes having fun without feeling guilty. I need this for my own well being.

I need to live my own life again. I need to know what excites me again. I need to know what I love to do again. I need to be ME again. Not just a mother.

I promise myself that I am on the road to recovery ...........and freedom.......

Blogging as therapy

Blogging is really good therapy.I t is like talking to my therapist....only it is FREE. Haha....

No need to pay someone just to lend me a listening ear for me to dump all my frustrations on.

No need to travel to her office....save on cab fare.

The outcome?

To me, blogging is just as effective as face to face therapy. I say all the same things.

Whatever.

Calm

Calm. Sometimes it is so hard to stay calm. Even though my head is telling me to be calm, to breathe, to calm down.....I just can't do it. Sometimes I am so angry that I am totally out of control that I scare even myself. I can't calm myself down...I can't stop lashing out and I start hurting everyone around me. I am amazed and scared of the amount of anger I have inside me. The worst is PMS period. I am toally out of control and feels so bad that I am totally notin control of myself. I am afraid of those days...I really am.

Calm...... I feel like I am in a pressure cooker everyday and coupled with my hormones during PMS period..I just explode, erupt like a volcano. I can't let this go on. I cannot allow this to cause damage to the people around me. I need to have self-control no matter how BAD I feel. Sometimes I feel SOOOO bad, that a trigger is all it takes to set me off. I cannot handle stressful situations at all when I have PMS and feel pressured at the same time. My hubby is certainly not helping by giving me black, disapproving face all the time, especially during my PMS period. I really hate it. It really triggers my outburst.

I really HATE HIM giving me the black face all the time especially when our kid is throwing a tantrum. I have to tolerate the tantrum together with his silent and angry treatment towards me..plus my PMS..that really sets me off! I am really afraid of myself when I have an angry outburst like that. ANd I really hate my hubby for addinf fuel to the fire.

I have to have self-control NO MATTER WHAT. CONTROL is what I need. I need to control my emotions even when my hormones are raging havoc. I have to control myself even though I feel stressed by everything . I have to control myself even though I feel really really LOUSY AND BAD. I have to CONTROL myself even when my hubby gives me a black face and silent treatment when I am already stressed by everything. I HAVE TO. I cannot do any more psychological damage to my son. It is not fair to him. I cannot have another angry outburst in front of him anymore.

I HAVE TO CONTROL MYSELF. And I know it is going to be real tough but I have to do it. I HAVE TO. I have to find other constructive ways to vent my frustrations and stress.

I think the first thing I should do when I feel my blood pressure rising faced with a stressful situation during my pms is to have a time out for myself.. RUN AWAY! take time out to CALM down. AND DUN deal with anything. JUST LET THINGS BE. I know very well...once I start handling a stressful situation under those circumstances I would quickly lose it and go berserk. That is how little control I have when I have PMS. So I have to be careful. REALLY BE MINDFUL of myself. REALLY HAVE TO TRY.

Fears

I used to have so many fears as a child. And I am afraid that I am passing these on to my own child. He seems so fearful and worried these days. Not as carefree as he has been. I am worried that he will have as many fear as I had when I was a child. I do not wanna display anything negative to him anymore in case it causes further damage.

I remember that I was the most fearless when I was in my twenties. Before that I had plenty of fears. And after I got married , the fears returned. I began to feel fearful and worried again. Maybe I have more responsibilities..not as carefree as I was in my twenties. I really did enjoy my twenties very much. The best times of my life. Totally fearless.

Maybe I should recapture the feelings I had when I was in my twenties instead of worrying everyday and facing boredom everyday without doing anything about it. Everyday bored and worried and confused. What a freaking way to waste my time.

F**K##@#$%%

Am I depressed?

I feel so bored all the time. I am totally restless and I dunno what to do. Maybe I have too much free time on my hands? Maybe I am alone too much? Maybe I have not done something I wanan do for a long time. I dunno but I do have this depression within me. Like I am going to fall into a bottomless pit of darkness unless I hang on as toghtly as I can. If not...I will be falling and falling and falling.............

Maybe I am alone too much...giving me too much time to think of all the negatives. I have not gone out for the past 4 days....just stoning at home. I have not done anything enjoyable for some time now. Boredom really kills. I read somewhere that it is better to be busy with something and be preoccupied than to be busy with nothing and not do anything. It is better to be busy than to do nothing to the extent that time crawls and turns unbearable. Sigh......sometimes I dunno what to do with myself.
It is really no fun doing things alone.................with no one for company and to talk to. Absolutely boring.

I have no hobbies..no direction...everyday is spent in boredom......with no one to talk to...how long can I tolerate a lifestyle like this. And the worst thing is....I dun wanna do anything about it.....I am too much in a state of inertia to do anything about anything. I am totally stuck in a state of inertia like I dun care anymore.

I can only think of only one thing to occupy my time...shopping and that;s getting boring and meaningless. I feel like I am in a deadend all the time. I am stuck in a deadend marriage....with no passion, sparks, excitement, whatsoever...me n hubby have hardly any interaction in a day. And I totally hate it when our interaction turns into an argument. Sigh......Finding something that I can do ALONE is totally not motivational. Bored. I am freaking bored with my life. I have become so negative and dark that I am afraid of myself sometimes. I wanna be happy...but I dun feel it. I just drift day to day merely existing...going through the motions of doing what I SHOULD do everyday...like a robot. Numb .....I feel absolutely numb..unmotivated....aimless....passionless.....like I dun wanna care........but I do care.

I feel totally empty. The emptiness is overwhelming me. I find no fulfilment in my life. Not in my marriage..not as a mother....I dun feel the joy or contentment that I SHOULD feel. Maybe I am really suffering from depression. Maybe all these feelings are becos I have depression. I dunno. I do know that I need to do soemthing about this situation before I go totally berserk and hurt somebody.

Do I feel gratitude? Yes I do. I am grateful for everything I have in my life...and for myself. But most likely...the boredom is engulfing me , leading to my depression and stress. Stress from having no hobbies, no passion, no aim, no motivation and from the worries I have as a mother for my child who is so problematic. Sigh.....I am confused BUT I know I need to find something to do to accupy my time....to motivate me to wake up in the mornings ...if not....I will spiral into a hole so dark...I will regret it.

What to do? Think...think ..think...sigh....f**k....sigh.....

Goodbye destructive anger

I will not let destructive anger control me anymore. From now on....no more destructive anger for me. Destructive anger...u have no power over me anymore. Be gone....get lost.....f**k offffff........... :)

No more destruction for me. I love myself too much. Yeah, I LOVE MYSELF. :) :)

Boredom

I am living life on my own terms now....dun tellme wat to do again!

I used to have such low self esteem that I have to constantly seek approval from others in how to live my life. How stupid I am. No more....I do what I think is right....

I just wanna live my life the way I want and be happy.

Dun tell me whether I am right or wrong. This is not for u to judge.
WHo are u to say that I am wrong?

I dun wanna be a slave....ever

I hate it...really hate it......

I dun wanna be a slave to my kid anymore. HIs stupid whinny behaviour drives me nuts and he knows it and he is using it to control and manipulate me.

I have to give in to his demands most times..if not he will whine and whine and whine till I can't stand it and have an angry outburst. SIck of all this.......tired.

If I am late for one minute or just a few seconds when he calls for me...he will cry and cry and whine and whine. He is 7. DUn think that is normal behavious for a child his age. I hate it when he uses all this emotional thingy on me. I hate it. Feels so much like emotional blackmail. Tired. Extremely tired of all these.

Go out.....wanna buy something. I say no and there he goes again........whine , whine, whine...cry cry cry...throw a loud tantrum in front of everyone...in public. Even if that is not the case...he says something and I hesitated for 2 secs before answering which means I did not answer him IMMEDIATELY and there he goes again.....whine, whine, whine, and cry non stop......really NON STOP! Imagine my stress.....STRESS LEVEL GOES UP......I feel angry .....but I have to pacify him or else he wont stop.Tried leaving me alone before but he got louder and louder till it got so embarrassing.

I am tired of all these. I really hate kids. They are the most ungrateful people on earth and they can just get away with it. Hate.

It's no fun

Sigh....it is really no fun to do things alone. It sucks when there is no company. However interesting whatever I wanna do will be...it's still no fun to do it alone.
Double sigh.............

Feels so lonely and bored sometimes. Nothing much to do in the afternoons. All by myself with no one for company. SInce my sis and niece migrated.....things are worse.
Friends all working.....and I hate to mix with other mums cos all they talk about are their kids and that's boring......Triple sigh.............

It's really no fun to do things alone...............boring..........

I will not let him affect me ever again

I will not allow this man to affect me negatively, make me unhappy ever again.

No matter what he does, what he says.....I am not going to feel upset or be affected negatively again.

I am going to give him his space to vent his own frustrations elsewhere...NOT ON ME.

I will not quarrel with him again..no matter what he says. I will not attempt to defend myself or prove myself to him or seek his approval in everything again. Only people with low self esteem will constantly seek approval from others. I do not want to be one of those people again.

He can look unhappy with me, give me an angry face, give me the silent treatment, yell at me....I dun care. I will not react. I will let it be, let it go. I will not be angry or sad or be affected by all these anymore.

I will lead a healthy lifestyle....I will vent my frustrations in a healthy manner.
I believe in myself again. I have to be myself . I love myself.

He has no power over me anymore. I forgive..and I forget ..and I move on........

He can criticise me for all he wants...I will not believe him and doubt myself anymore.
Cos I believe in myself. I love myself. I have a clear conscience. I am happy....:)

I finally found it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks today. I have heard this a million times before. That it does not matter what happens..it is how you react to it that is important. I never thought much about that cos I really dun think that is going to be possible.

But I found it. I found the wisdom in those wordes. That it is REALLY how you react to a situation that is the key.

I have always wanted to find my purpose in my life. What I am here for...what will ultimately give me innerpeace and joy. I know what is my purpose now. I know it deep in my soul and I believe this is ultimately what is important to me.

That a day is productive, fruitful and purpose as long as I am happy that day and other people are happy around me because I am happy. No day is wasted as long as it is spent in happiness. I cannot control a lot of aspects in my life but I can feel happy irregardless.

From this day onwards....I PROMISE MYSELF THAT I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER DAY UNHAPPY. I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY EVERYDAY NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN PRETEND HAPPY IS BETTER THAN TO GIVE IN TO MY HORMONES AND BE UNHAPPY AND HURT OTHER PEOPLE AROUND ME AS A RESULT.

My goal from today onwards.......to be happy and bring happiness to others around me....bring joy not pain. I wanna be happy everyday no matter what happens. To be at peace everyday no matter what happens. This is my promise to myself.

I see so many people in this world hurt themselves, hurt others cos they are so unhappy inside. Most problems arise becos of unhappiness and discontentment. Pointless....... Just have to work at it......ultimately the meaning of life is just to feel happy every single day and influence others around to be positive and happy everyday.

You have to go though everyday..whether happy or sad...WHY NOT HAPPY??????

NEVER GIVE IN TO MY HORMONES AGAIN. I have to control my emotions not let my emotions control me. Sometimes it is really better to give than to receive. Lame but it's true.

Letting Go.......

How to let go? Of old die hard habits..of normal routine arrangements....
I am the type of person who is hesitant to change. I dun like change.

But I have to let go. Cos things can never remain the same forever. Moreover, I really dun have total control over everything even though how much I try to gain control of things. That is just wishful thinking. I am only human.....I cannot control everything no matter how hard I try. That is utterly impossible.

So I have to learn to let go...let go of the thought that I can control every aspect of my life. That I can control whath other people think or feel. That I can control them to want what I want ..etc.

I have to let go....only then will I find peace....within myself and also perhaps..that is the best gift I can give to them......to let them have some breathing space......and think for themselves.

I have to let go of the control and see where this leads us......

Definitely more innerpeace for me.....

Enough is enough

I am sick and tired of getting into the same arguments with him over the same issues again and again and I am definitely sick of always hearing the same accusations and treading on a landmind every single day.

Yes..I am tired. Finally everything makes no sense. The quarrels, the criticisms, the judgements....I am tired of all. How can I live my life..day after day condemned by this person....blamed and made to feel guilty and always giving me the feeling that whatever I do is wrong, whatever I say makes him angry, whatever I think is not worthy ..that I am wrong just being me? Ridiculous....dun think I can live like this anymore.

Imagine..I voice an opinion and get the silent treatment from him. Becos of whatever reason he can come up with...something I did in the process of saying my words somehow is wrong to him. ANd according to him..I have all the wrong hobbies....I am overall a very wrongperson. Just being me definitely is not just not enough but also somehow WRONG. HOW THE F**K CAN I CARRY ON LIVING LIKE THIS??????

Not a kind word from him. Not a word of encouragement. Every word that comes out from his mouth is to say I am wrong..that I am bad. Sick.
How can I even be happy under these circumstances?????

I out up with all these for ten long years already. All I wanted to do was do the right things...but who to determine right or wrong?? Him! He scoffs at me when I wanna go clubbing or to go karaoke..those are wrong hobbies to him. Then what about what I enjoy? Do I have to have a complate makeover and need to gain his approval in everything.

I have been replying on y brain telling me to stay on...becos we are married...he SHOULD be the one for me...... I have been neglecting what my heart tells me all these years. I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel bad...I just ignore all these negative feelings....telling myself time and again to hang on...becos he is right... and I began to doubt myself. I have loads of self doubt. AM I really that bad? AM I really wrong ALL the time??? Why must I live my life according to his rules?????

Why cant I just be myself??? THis man..he really does not know the meaning of cherish. He has never cherished me and I doubt he ever will. I am sick of being scared as to when I am going to make another 'mistake' and get the angry face silent treatment from him. I am really scared of all these and sick of all these. I NEED TO BREAK FREE. I NEED TO BE MYSELF AGAIN. I NEED TO DO THE THINGS I LOVE AGAIN. I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE ACCORDING TO MY OWN RULES AND BELIEFS AGAIN. I AM JUST SICK, SICK , SICK AT THE THINGS THAT THIS MAN SAYS TO ME. ALL THE HURTFUL STUFF. I SHALL LET HIM HURT ME NO MORE. THAT IS MY PROMISE TO MYSELF.

Anger

Ok Ok...I know anger is destructive and it is bad for one's health..blah blah blah...but I can't help but have difficulty controlling myself from feeling this emotion and reacting strongly to it.

I am constantly angry. At my kid's disobedience, ay my husband's irritating behaviour , at other people's stupidity.

I suck at anger management. Tried relaxation techniques, whatever shit methods there are out there...but I will be back to the drawing board very soon. Nothing works.

People tell me to try being contented and practise gratitude for everything. Not that I am not grateful..I honestly am..but I am still reacting strongly to my anger. I cannot control my anger outburts....

Maybe I am experiencing a slow burnout....for caring too much. Yeah..you can burn out for caring too much....foir doing too much....that's me. I used to do that. Now I dun care. The other extreme end....From overly caring to totally not caring...

I read on a burnout website that totally not caring is the symptom of a burnout. SO what? I am burnout...depressed....angry....but I still have to go through the day to day motions of trying to fulfil my responsibilities. I have to force myself to do the things I dread every single day.

I love my kid, that's about it. I do care about him. But other than that..I have lost interest in my marriage and in doing anything more in this house. Depression? I dunno...really....everything seems like such a drag.

Change my attitude? I can't force myself to fall in love with my hubby again. What we have is probably just emotional attachment and reliance.

I have no connection with this man...and I doubt he feels any connection with me. We don't interact much everyday..and you can imagine the boredom there is. We do have sex occasionally but that is about the most interaction n 'connection' that we have.

Call me stupid but I do believe in having a soulmate in my life...someone whom I can share with. No sharing with my hubby at all...if I do..it will be a one way street cos he can never get me. NEVER. Ten years of marriage and we are still like strangers. No understanding whatsoever.
The worst thing is ..he is not even a friend to me.

SO you can imagine my life...a big empty shell. I feel loneliness and emptiness every single day....... sometimes that gets overwhelming but U have somehow learnt to deal with it and live with it.

Better to stay away from my hubby and leave him alone than to quarrel with him cos that always happens when we are together.

SIck of everything. F**k.......