Blogging as therapy

Blogging is really good therapy.I t is like talking to my therapist....only it is FREE. Haha....

No need to pay someone just to lend me a listening ear for me to dump all my frustrations on.

No need to travel to her office....save on cab fare.

The outcome?

To me, blogging is just as effective as face to face therapy. I say all the same things.

Whatever.

Calm

Calm. Sometimes it is so hard to stay calm. Even though my head is telling me to be calm, to breathe, to calm down.....I just can't do it. Sometimes I am so angry that I am totally out of control that I scare even myself. I can't calm myself down...I can't stop lashing out and I start hurting everyone around me. I am amazed and scared of the amount of anger I have inside me. The worst is PMS period. I am toally out of control and feels so bad that I am totally notin control of myself. I am afraid of those days...I really am.

Calm...... I feel like I am in a pressure cooker everyday and coupled with my hormones during PMS period..I just explode, erupt like a volcano. I can't let this go on. I cannot allow this to cause damage to the people around me. I need to have self-control no matter how BAD I feel. Sometimes I feel SOOOO bad, that a trigger is all it takes to set me off. I cannot handle stressful situations at all when I have PMS and feel pressured at the same time. My hubby is certainly not helping by giving me black, disapproving face all the time, especially during my PMS period. I really hate it. It really triggers my outburst.

I really HATE HIM giving me the black face all the time especially when our kid is throwing a tantrum. I have to tolerate the tantrum together with his silent and angry treatment towards me..plus my PMS..that really sets me off! I am really afraid of myself when I have an angry outburst like that. ANd I really hate my hubby for addinf fuel to the fire.

I have to have self-control NO MATTER WHAT. CONTROL is what I need. I need to control my emotions even when my hormones are raging havoc. I have to control myself even though I feel stressed by everything . I have to control myself even though I feel really really LOUSY AND BAD. I have to CONTROL myself even when my hubby gives me a black face and silent treatment when I am already stressed by everything. I HAVE TO. I cannot do any more psychological damage to my son. It is not fair to him. I cannot have another angry outburst in front of him anymore.

I HAVE TO CONTROL MYSELF. And I know it is going to be real tough but I have to do it. I HAVE TO. I have to find other constructive ways to vent my frustrations and stress.

I think the first thing I should do when I feel my blood pressure rising faced with a stressful situation during my pms is to have a time out for myself.. RUN AWAY! take time out to CALM down. AND DUN deal with anything. JUST LET THINGS BE. I know very well...once I start handling a stressful situation under those circumstances I would quickly lose it and go berserk. That is how little control I have when I have PMS. So I have to be careful. REALLY BE MINDFUL of myself. REALLY HAVE TO TRY.

Fears

I used to have so many fears as a child. And I am afraid that I am passing these on to my own child. He seems so fearful and worried these days. Not as carefree as he has been. I am worried that he will have as many fear as I had when I was a child. I do not wanna display anything negative to him anymore in case it causes further damage.

I remember that I was the most fearless when I was in my twenties. Before that I had plenty of fears. And after I got married , the fears returned. I began to feel fearful and worried again. Maybe I have more responsibilities..not as carefree as I was in my twenties. I really did enjoy my twenties very much. The best times of my life. Totally fearless.

Maybe I should recapture the feelings I had when I was in my twenties instead of worrying everyday and facing boredom everyday without doing anything about it. Everyday bored and worried and confused. What a freaking way to waste my time.

F**K##@#$%%

Am I depressed?

I feel so bored all the time. I am totally restless and I dunno what to do. Maybe I have too much free time on my hands? Maybe I am alone too much? Maybe I have not done something I wanan do for a long time. I dunno but I do have this depression within me. Like I am going to fall into a bottomless pit of darkness unless I hang on as toghtly as I can. If not...I will be falling and falling and falling.............

Maybe I am alone too much...giving me too much time to think of all the negatives. I have not gone out for the past 4 days....just stoning at home. I have not done anything enjoyable for some time now. Boredom really kills. I read somewhere that it is better to be busy with something and be preoccupied than to be busy with nothing and not do anything. It is better to be busy than to do nothing to the extent that time crawls and turns unbearable. Sigh......sometimes I dunno what to do with myself.
It is really no fun doing things alone.................with no one for company and to talk to. Absolutely boring.

I have no hobbies..no direction...everyday is spent in boredom......with no one to talk to...how long can I tolerate a lifestyle like this. And the worst thing is....I dun wanna do anything about it.....I am too much in a state of inertia to do anything about anything. I am totally stuck in a state of inertia like I dun care anymore.

I can only think of only one thing to occupy my time...shopping and that;s getting boring and meaningless. I feel like I am in a deadend all the time. I am stuck in a deadend marriage....with no passion, sparks, excitement, whatsoever...me n hubby have hardly any interaction in a day. And I totally hate it when our interaction turns into an argument. Sigh......Finding something that I can do ALONE is totally not motivational. Bored. I am freaking bored with my life. I have become so negative and dark that I am afraid of myself sometimes. I wanna be happy...but I dun feel it. I just drift day to day merely existing...going through the motions of doing what I SHOULD do everyday...like a robot. Numb .....I feel absolutely numb..unmotivated....aimless....passionless.....like I dun wanna care........but I do care.

I feel totally empty. The emptiness is overwhelming me. I find no fulfilment in my life. Not in my marriage..not as a mother....I dun feel the joy or contentment that I SHOULD feel. Maybe I am really suffering from depression. Maybe all these feelings are becos I have depression. I dunno. I do know that I need to do soemthing about this situation before I go totally berserk and hurt somebody.

Do I feel gratitude? Yes I do. I am grateful for everything I have in my life...and for myself. But most likely...the boredom is engulfing me , leading to my depression and stress. Stress from having no hobbies, no passion, no aim, no motivation and from the worries I have as a mother for my child who is so problematic. Sigh.....I am confused BUT I know I need to find something to do to accupy my time....to motivate me to wake up in the mornings ...if not....I will spiral into a hole so dark...I will regret it.

What to do? Think...think ..think...sigh....f**k....sigh.....

Goodbye destructive anger

I will not let destructive anger control me anymore. From now on....no more destructive anger for me. Destructive anger...u have no power over me anymore. Be gone....get lost.....f**k offffff........... :)

No more destruction for me. I love myself too much. Yeah, I LOVE MYSELF. :) :)

Boredom

I am living life on my own terms now....dun tellme wat to do again!

I used to have such low self esteem that I have to constantly seek approval from others in how to live my life. How stupid I am. No more....I do what I think is right....

I just wanna live my life the way I want and be happy.

Dun tell me whether I am right or wrong. This is not for u to judge.
WHo are u to say that I am wrong?

I dun wanna be a slave....ever

I hate it...really hate it......

I dun wanna be a slave to my kid anymore. HIs stupid whinny behaviour drives me nuts and he knows it and he is using it to control and manipulate me.

I have to give in to his demands most times..if not he will whine and whine and whine till I can't stand it and have an angry outburst. SIck of all this.......tired.

If I am late for one minute or just a few seconds when he calls for me...he will cry and cry and whine and whine. He is 7. DUn think that is normal behavious for a child his age. I hate it when he uses all this emotional thingy on me. I hate it. Feels so much like emotional blackmail. Tired. Extremely tired of all these.

Go out.....wanna buy something. I say no and there he goes again........whine , whine, whine...cry cry cry...throw a loud tantrum in front of everyone...in public. Even if that is not the case...he says something and I hesitated for 2 secs before answering which means I did not answer him IMMEDIATELY and there he goes again.....whine, whine, whine, and cry non stop......really NON STOP! Imagine my stress.....STRESS LEVEL GOES UP......I feel angry .....but I have to pacify him or else he wont stop.Tried leaving me alone before but he got louder and louder till it got so embarrassing.

I am tired of all these. I really hate kids. They are the most ungrateful people on earth and they can just get away with it. Hate.

It's no fun

Sigh....it is really no fun to do things alone. It sucks when there is no company. However interesting whatever I wanna do will be...it's still no fun to do it alone.
Double sigh.............

Feels so lonely and bored sometimes. Nothing much to do in the afternoons. All by myself with no one for company. SInce my sis and niece migrated.....things are worse.
Friends all working.....and I hate to mix with other mums cos all they talk about are their kids and that's boring......Triple sigh.............

It's really no fun to do things alone...............boring..........

I will not let him affect me ever again

I will not allow this man to affect me negatively, make me unhappy ever again.

No matter what he does, what he says.....I am not going to feel upset or be affected negatively again.

I am going to give him his space to vent his own frustrations elsewhere...NOT ON ME.

I will not quarrel with him again..no matter what he says. I will not attempt to defend myself or prove myself to him or seek his approval in everything again. Only people with low self esteem will constantly seek approval from others. I do not want to be one of those people again.

He can look unhappy with me, give me an angry face, give me the silent treatment, yell at me....I dun care. I will not react. I will let it be, let it go. I will not be angry or sad or be affected by all these anymore.

I will lead a healthy lifestyle....I will vent my frustrations in a healthy manner.
I believe in myself again. I have to be myself . I love myself.

He has no power over me anymore. I forgive..and I forget ..and I move on........

He can criticise me for all he wants...I will not believe him and doubt myself anymore.
Cos I believe in myself. I love myself. I have a clear conscience. I am happy....:)

I finally found it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks today. I have heard this a million times before. That it does not matter what happens..it is how you react to it that is important. I never thought much about that cos I really dun think that is going to be possible.

But I found it. I found the wisdom in those wordes. That it is REALLY how you react to a situation that is the key.

I have always wanted to find my purpose in my life. What I am here for...what will ultimately give me innerpeace and joy. I know what is my purpose now. I know it deep in my soul and I believe this is ultimately what is important to me.

That a day is productive, fruitful and purpose as long as I am happy that day and other people are happy around me because I am happy. No day is wasted as long as it is spent in happiness. I cannot control a lot of aspects in my life but I can feel happy irregardless.

From this day onwards....I PROMISE MYSELF THAT I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER DAY UNHAPPY. I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY EVERYDAY NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN PRETEND HAPPY IS BETTER THAN TO GIVE IN TO MY HORMONES AND BE UNHAPPY AND HURT OTHER PEOPLE AROUND ME AS A RESULT.

My goal from today onwards.......to be happy and bring happiness to others around me....bring joy not pain. I wanna be happy everyday no matter what happens. To be at peace everyday no matter what happens. This is my promise to myself.

I see so many people in this world hurt themselves, hurt others cos they are so unhappy inside. Most problems arise becos of unhappiness and discontentment. Pointless....... Just have to work at it......ultimately the meaning of life is just to feel happy every single day and influence others around to be positive and happy everyday.

You have to go though everyday..whether happy or sad...WHY NOT HAPPY??????

NEVER GIVE IN TO MY HORMONES AGAIN. I have to control my emotions not let my emotions control me. Sometimes it is really better to give than to receive. Lame but it's true.

Letting Go.......

How to let go? Of old die hard habits..of normal routine arrangements....
I am the type of person who is hesitant to change. I dun like change.

But I have to let go. Cos things can never remain the same forever. Moreover, I really dun have total control over everything even though how much I try to gain control of things. That is just wishful thinking. I am only human.....I cannot control everything no matter how hard I try. That is utterly impossible.

So I have to learn to let go...let go of the thought that I can control every aspect of my life. That I can control whath other people think or feel. That I can control them to want what I want ..etc.

I have to let go....only then will I find peace....within myself and also perhaps..that is the best gift I can give to them......to let them have some breathing space......and think for themselves.

I have to let go of the control and see where this leads us......

Definitely more innerpeace for me.....

Enough is enough

I am sick and tired of getting into the same arguments with him over the same issues again and again and I am definitely sick of always hearing the same accusations and treading on a landmind every single day.

Yes..I am tired. Finally everything makes no sense. The quarrels, the criticisms, the judgements....I am tired of all. How can I live my life..day after day condemned by this person....blamed and made to feel guilty and always giving me the feeling that whatever I do is wrong, whatever I say makes him angry, whatever I think is not worthy ..that I am wrong just being me? Ridiculous....dun think I can live like this anymore.

Imagine..I voice an opinion and get the silent treatment from him. Becos of whatever reason he can come up with...something I did in the process of saying my words somehow is wrong to him. ANd according to him..I have all the wrong hobbies....I am overall a very wrongperson. Just being me definitely is not just not enough but also somehow WRONG. HOW THE F**K CAN I CARRY ON LIVING LIKE THIS??????

Not a kind word from him. Not a word of encouragement. Every word that comes out from his mouth is to say I am wrong..that I am bad. Sick.
How can I even be happy under these circumstances?????

I out up with all these for ten long years already. All I wanted to do was do the right things...but who to determine right or wrong?? Him! He scoffs at me when I wanna go clubbing or to go karaoke..those are wrong hobbies to him. Then what about what I enjoy? Do I have to have a complate makeover and need to gain his approval in everything.

I have been replying on y brain telling me to stay on...becos we are married...he SHOULD be the one for me...... I have been neglecting what my heart tells me all these years. I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel bad...I just ignore all these negative feelings....telling myself time and again to hang on...becos he is right... and I began to doubt myself. I have loads of self doubt. AM I really that bad? AM I really wrong ALL the time??? Why must I live my life according to his rules?????

Why cant I just be myself??? THis man..he really does not know the meaning of cherish. He has never cherished me and I doubt he ever will. I am sick of being scared as to when I am going to make another 'mistake' and get the angry face silent treatment from him. I am really scared of all these and sick of all these. I NEED TO BREAK FREE. I NEED TO BE MYSELF AGAIN. I NEED TO DO THE THINGS I LOVE AGAIN. I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE ACCORDING TO MY OWN RULES AND BELIEFS AGAIN. I AM JUST SICK, SICK , SICK AT THE THINGS THAT THIS MAN SAYS TO ME. ALL THE HURTFUL STUFF. I SHALL LET HIM HURT ME NO MORE. THAT IS MY PROMISE TO MYSELF.

Anger

Ok Ok...I know anger is destructive and it is bad for one's health..blah blah blah...but I can't help but have difficulty controlling myself from feeling this emotion and reacting strongly to it.

I am constantly angry. At my kid's disobedience, ay my husband's irritating behaviour , at other people's stupidity.

I suck at anger management. Tried relaxation techniques, whatever shit methods there are out there...but I will be back to the drawing board very soon. Nothing works.

People tell me to try being contented and practise gratitude for everything. Not that I am not grateful..I honestly am..but I am still reacting strongly to my anger. I cannot control my anger outburts....

Maybe I am experiencing a slow burnout....for caring too much. Yeah..you can burn out for caring too much....foir doing too much....that's me. I used to do that. Now I dun care. The other extreme end....From overly caring to totally not caring...

I read on a burnout website that totally not caring is the symptom of a burnout. SO what? I am burnout...depressed....angry....but I still have to go through the day to day motions of trying to fulfil my responsibilities. I have to force myself to do the things I dread every single day.

I love my kid, that's about it. I do care about him. But other than that..I have lost interest in my marriage and in doing anything more in this house. Depression? I dunno...really....everything seems like such a drag.

Change my attitude? I can't force myself to fall in love with my hubby again. What we have is probably just emotional attachment and reliance.

I have no connection with this man...and I doubt he feels any connection with me. We don't interact much everyday..and you can imagine the boredom there is. We do have sex occasionally but that is about the most interaction n 'connection' that we have.

Call me stupid but I do believe in having a soulmate in my life...someone whom I can share with. No sharing with my hubby at all...if I do..it will be a one way street cos he can never get me. NEVER. Ten years of marriage and we are still like strangers. No understanding whatsoever.
The worst thing is ..he is not even a friend to me.

SO you can imagine my life...a big empty shell. I feel loneliness and emptiness every single day....... sometimes that gets overwhelming but U have somehow learnt to deal with it and live with it.

Better to stay away from my hubby and leave him alone than to quarrel with him cos that always happens when we are together.

SIck of everything. F**k.......

Migraine

I hate having migraine but it is something I have to live with. Imagine having a migraine attack at the slightest trigger. I hate it.
Two days ago..I woke up in the middle of the night and had migraine. Sux... SIgh...... Once the symptoms of migaine starts..I dunno when they are going to stop.

My quality of life did go down with me having migraine. It is very troublesome. What to do..just have to live with it. Sick of it but gotta live with it. A migraine free day will be a happy day for me. Not today though......feel like I have 2 holes in my head. ANd I feel like my head is a walnut being cracked opened by a nutcracker. SIgh........

Migraine is as unpredictable as the weather here.

I can complain till the cows come home but I will still be suffering from th is f**king stupid inconvenient ailment.

I am waiting for my symptoms free day......please let it be soon.....

F**k

Why am I angry?

I hate being a housewife. I hate to stay at home and face a defiant kid. I hate to do chores. I, above all, hate to cook. I hate to do nothing except domestic stuff. I HATE being a caregiver. I hate, I hate , I hate......

I am not a homemaker by choice. I have to be one to take care of my kid full-time.
No choice...no other options in child caring.

I hate the boredom...the lack of anticipation of anything......nothing interesting is ever happening in my life. And I mean the good kind of interesting. I need good exciting fun in my life. Currently I have none.

My hubby is the most boring, wishy-washy, non communicative man I know. WOnder how we remained married till now. Ten long years. And why did we get married in the first place? Probably I was a different woman then. If I had been the person that I am now, I would never have married him. Nonetheless...maybe it is all fated. Life.....

How can I go on..day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year doing all the domestic things that I practically hate??? How much more patience do I have to force myself? I am no domestic goddess definitely...in face I am not even domestic to begin with. I wasn't even the type who would stay at home. I am not homely. Never was.

Sigh...how do I get excited about my life again? I feel that my life has been taken over by all these responsibilities and commitment. I am just overwhelmed by being a housewife and like a robot doing all the same chores day in and out. Hmmm...I have
become a machine...not a human.

I hate facing these four walls every day. I hate having no adult company most times. I hate having no freedom. I hate all the rules...all the things I SHOULD do..not what I want to do. I hate all the SHOULDS.

I am trying hard to stay afloat and not lose my sanity and sink into deep depression. I am feeling the slow burnout...........yeah...definitely feeling it.

I feel like sprouting vulgarities now. Don't tell me to change my attitude...I simply can't. F**k.....