Me

I am all about learning, chatting , doing and trying new things.

I love my laptop at the moment.

My goals this week:

Have an earlier day.

Teach my kid independence.

Do one new thing everyday.

Do one thing to make myself happy.

Be inspired by positive, zestful people.

New direction

I don't think that I am suffering from depression. I think that I am suffering more from boredom and a sense of aimlessness.

I guess I am sick of wandering around and going to all the same places and shopping and buying things that I don't need and as a result accumulating stuff and cluttering up the house. Sighzz...I guess it is no fun being aimless and wondering what to do with myself when I have the free time. Sianzzz n sighzz.......

Things to change:

-Teach my kid how to fish instead of giving him the fish. Let him learn independence and do things himself instead of relying on me. Let him handle his own emotions and mood instead of going to his rescue everytime. Get him to sleep n wake earlier. Also...help him develop his interests...give him the knowledge of the right values and morals and manners. I have to do this cos hubby would never do this.

-Quit telling my hubby to change his bad habits. He will not chnage no matter what I say. So leave him to do whatever he wants for himself.

-Have my own life again...don't rely on others to make me happy. I have to learn to be whole as a preson and follow my heart and make myself happy everyday.

-Learn to relax...de-stress......and start doing my yoga n exercise. Ten minutes a day minimum. Ideal is half hour a day.

-Start my day earlier and end the day earlier. Have to get used to this so might as well start now. Cos need to have a very early schedule soon.

-Eat better. Take better care of myself with healthier meals.

_develop my interests and hobbies. Things that interest me now that I can think of are......the internet....surfing....blogging(starting a blog on interests soon)...chatting with intelligent people....mahjong.....watching comedies.....listening to music..singing......learn photoshop....buying nice clothes.....taking cute pics.......

-have a purpose n passion which I dunno what.........yet.......no rush..slowly.....doesn't matter.

The difference

I have changed. No doubt about it. I have changed even beyond my own recognition. I feel like I have suddenly woken up and wondering why I did all that I did.

I used to do things that I feel like doing. Now I do things that I should do. See the difference. It is getting so agonising. I have totally neglected myself and my own needs. Why did I do that to myself. Now that I have 'woken' up, I really cannot comprehend how I could have just done everything that I SHOULD do like a robot. How could I make myself a robot and went through all the motions of doing things that I SHOULD, not giving a damn to how I felt about it? Even though I felt bad...I just tolerated and continued to do the things that are not beneficial to myself in the least. How to explain.......

From now on...I just follow my heart and listen to what it is telling me. I need to do things to make myself happy. I have to for my own well-being. I need to have my own life again.

I can't do this anymore

I am exhausted. I am sick and tired of all these. I can't go on like this anymore. Why must I put myself through all these? People treat me like shit and I still lap it up? Do I deserve to be treated like this?

I am a human being. I have human rights. I cannot put myself through tolerating all this. All these are so totally unnecessary. I have suffered unnecessarily. Why should my life be so difficult? All these suffering and difficulty are so unnecessary. It is time to let go. I cannot go on making myself so miserable by allowing myself to be manipulated like this. This is definitely not the wasy that I have to live my life. I have a choice. I cannot be manipulated like this and be happy and peaceful. Time to end all these pointless and meaningless suffering. I am entitled to a good and happy life just because I am born. I cannot go on being a toilet bowl for him to dump all his unhappiness, frustration and shit on.

I have changed so much..I can't even recognise myself. I used to think sacrifice is an act of live. Now I realise pointless sacrifice is an act of stupidity. All these all so unnecessary. He has to learn to be independent, do his won things. I am not his slave. Sometimes I do things for him out of guilt and worry. I have to let go of all the guilt and pointless worry. I ahve had it. This is going to stop here. Bear in mind..he is not a small kid anymore. He has to learn the ways of life and be independent. Bu doing everythng for him....I am actually ruining his ability to learn to be independent. I have to let go already and not him shit on my head anymore. Enough is enough. When he was younger I tolerated all this nonsense.....cos I thought he was young and didn't know much. Now that he is older...he is totally capable of doing a lot of things himself. I should stop doing things for me and let him treat me like a slave and also use me to vent h is unhappiness and frustration.

After I am married, all my marriage ideals just went down the drain. I thought marriage is companionship...having someone's shoulder to lie on and have someone to talk to when bored. I dun even have that. My hubby is not interested at all to do anything with me unless it is sex. He will only give my attention when he wants sex. Other than that, he will prefer to be left alone. No disturbance. He doesn't even initiate to chat or do anything together. If I bring this up to him..he will get angry as if me wanting to chat is wrong. That I should feel guilty that I should even bring this up. It is hard for me to have someone totally shutting me out unless he wants sex. I feel that he is the kind of guy who can be in any relationship as long as there is sex. He does not need a relationship.... he just needs soemone to fuck him whenever he feels like fucking. I totally give up. I am disappointed but based on my observation in the past ten yrs we were together...I have come to this conclusion. I feel so lonely and bored in this marriage. Whenever I bring this up to him..he will make it out to be my fault. LIke everything is my fault. It is useless talking to him about anything. He will think that I am wrong no matter what I say so what is the point of saying anything? I do not wanna quarrel with him. Such a waste of time and emotions.

So I give up. I dun wanna care anymore. If this is what he wants..so be it. I will still go on my life. I will still have friends and live the life I want from now on. I do not want to be dominated by all the problems created by these 2 people. Or rather...I will not be affected by these 2 people anymore. I wanna be independent emotionally and live the life I want and do the things I think are right.

Only by letting go then I will have peace...........