I promise myself

I promise myself from this moment onwards, I will start with day early with gratitude. Keeps me focused.

PMS

I will not let PMS control me. Neither will I let that man affect me!! I can do it!!! I shall not be controlled by my hormones!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My direction

The day has come. Whole new lifestyle. Dunno whether I can cope with it and be comfortable with it . But I will treat this as a new challenge. I have to have self control and promise myself to NEVER, EVER let other people affect my emotions again.

I must control my own emotions and not allow anyone to determine my happiness and sadness EVER again.

New Year, New Lifestyle, New Direction, New Choices.

I just wanna have fun....not be overy serious about everything...follow my heart...be a better person and a better mother this year!!!!!

If I have a choice.

If I have a choice, I wont wanna stay home everyday. I dun wanna be a housewife. I dun wanna look after my kid full time. I dun wanna cook. I dun wanna be overwhelmed by all the routine chores. I am never the homely type. Guess I will never be. If I have a choice, I will follow my heart. DO wat my heart desires without guilt.

I would wanna improve my health by improving my diet and exercise. If I have a choice..I will have a career which I have a passion for.

If I have a choice..I would be out now shopping and having a drink with friends. I will be chilling every day. Why can't I have a choice?

If I have a choice.

New year

I have a good feeling about the new year. I think it is going to be a good year. I know cos I have already made a promise to myself to be true to myself and be true to my own feelings. I wanan follow my heart. I wanna be mself without guilt.

I know wat my priorities are now. I will forever be 25 at heart and loving it. I still like romance.

Running on empty

I dunno whether it is my hormones or wat....just feel damn sianzzzzzzzz. And tired. I feel so bored and restless al the time manz. Nothing to get me excited. Not even christmas or the coming new year provokes any tinge of excitement or enthusiasm in me. Damn bored out of my mind. Nothing I wanna do also. Just feel like not moving. Just hope to laze arond but there are still chores to be done. Responsibilities still callig out to me. Sianzzzz....Yawnz X 100

What happened to all my zest? What happened to all my interests? I am hardly interested in anything now. Feel so aimless and lost. I have plans for my kid but no plans for myself. I am totally living my kid's life now. I am so pathetic. Pathetic beyond words cos I have no life of my own. Sianzzz........

I need to be excited over somehting again. I need to have some interestd again. Sianzzzzzz...bored..restless..............

Arghhh....

Now I know

Blood is definitely thicker than water. No one can give u unconditional love unless that person is related to u by blood. I am too hurt right now to type. Nvm.

I will heal..I will.

I will heal..I definitely will. After I cut myself away from all the toxic people. After I let go of all the people who caused me pain. I will heal. I will recover. Yes I will. One year later I will be secure and happy and self sufficient and independent and be in healthy relationships. Yup. That will be Me in a year's time. Happy, clear-headed, relaxed, happy and recovered from OCD and anxiety. Yes. I promise myself this. I will succeed.

How did I get here.

I have learned unhappiness cos I grew up in such and unhapy and quarrelsome environment. I hate the environment I grew up in. I saw too much unhealthy things already. It caused depression in me. It created fear and plenty of anxiety. I couldn't relax at all in that environment. Cos I was verbally abused everyday. It eroded my self esteem. There was no happiness and security. Only fear and abuse. I wanted to run away from all that. I hated those people. My self esteem was so low then. I was called useless every single day. I was being scolded every single day. All I wanted was someone to love me and show me concern and give me unconditional love. My desire for love was so great that i would do almost anything to get it. I had sex with guys just to feel love. It was pathetic. Sighz.....

That is why I try so hard to give a lot of love to my son. I wanted things to be perfect and for him to get what I didn't get in my childhood. Maybe I overdid it. But my childhood was so unhappy that I want to do my best to give my son a healthy and happy childhood. But I am broken myself. How can I give him something whole when I am far from whole? I am still broken and affected by my past.

My marriage did not help. I am married to a man who likes to manipulate me with his anger. He is extremely petty to the extent that if he doesnt approve of me doing something, he will give me a black face and be curt to me or be withdrawn. I hat being treated like that. I really hate it. It is like treading on eggshells everyday. Even very trivial and minor stuff will make him angry. I am very tired of pacifying him and trying so hard not to offend him.

I wanna break free from all these unhealthy stuff. I want to be happy. I wanna choose to be happy. I wanna live everyday happily. I wanna break free from all these toxic people. I will succeed. I will. I am so stressed everyday that I have OCD and anxiety as a result. I have to recover. He has NO concern or sympathy for me. All he cares about is himself. From what he has said time and again, I know. He has the cheek to say I am abnormal at least a million times when I have OCD. How much care will he have for me? I shouldn't be stupid anymore. He is not the one.

I will heal after I have broken free all all these toxic people who kept telling me wat to do. This is my life after all. I won't fall for their guilt manipulation anymore. Enough. Period.