I need a mentor and role model

I need a mentor and a role model to inspire me. I am always attracted to happy, positive, self-driven people. I like people with confidence and a positive attitude towards life.

I need a mentor to inspire me. I need to break out of this self destructive rut.

Time

I havent been pening down my thoughts for a while now. I have been bottling up? Or just resigning myself to my fate? I do not know nor wish to think deep into it. All I know is that I am genuinely grateful for all that I have and that Ihave learnt gratitude. Appreciation for the smallest things and the ability to look at the positive side of things instead of always dwelling on the negatives.

I have learnt to stop and smell the roses. I have learnt the importance and benefits of stillness. But somehow I am still stuck in a rut. I cant deny I am still bored out of my mind. My restlessness is still there. One one hand I am contented and happy, on the other hand I am restless and searching for a way to break this boredom. Contradictory but this is exactlt how I feel. I wish things could be simpler than this. I am not discontented but I am not that contented either. It is like an aching in my heart for something more than this. Somehting that is for myself alone. A satisfaction and a happiness that is mine and mine alone.

Not being affected by other people or be influenced in any way by others.
Something that is totally mine. SOmething that I can run to and be perfectly happy. Something to make me hapy. Something, not someone.

I dunno wat. I dunno wat to do from now on except focusing too much on others and totally neglecting myself. I have given up my initial hope of finding a soulmate so what's more? I have given up on a career so what's more? What is my purpose henceforth? My purpose and mine alone. Not related to anyone else. Seriously who am I really? Who am I without all the labels? I dunno anymore. I only know labels now. I am a wife. I am a mother. So I do what a wife should do , what a mother should do. Then what? I dunno. Totally no idea who I am now. Totally no idea what my purpose is besides living up to these two labels. But I know there's more to my life than just being a mum and a wife. There is defiitely more. If not, why am I feeling this persistent restlessness inside me? This persistent naggy feeling in me asking me to step out of this box and do somehting. But what is this something? What should I do henceforth?

Verbal Abuse

What the hell...I was verbally abused as a child till adulthood and after I got married, am verbally abused by husband. %$^&*()_(*&^*()!!!!!

I wanna break out of this verbal abuse cycle.

I have human rights!!!!!

Why should I live my life seeking aproval from others and living up to people's expectations?? I have human rights too!! I have the right to choose and to live my life the way I want to. Do the things I want. I have the right!! I do!!!

Why should I feel guilty doing the things I wanna do? If I have a clear conscience. why should I feel bad doing the things I wanna do???? Why do I have to think so much about how others feel?? What about how I feel? I have human rights too!!!! I have the right to decide what I want to do!!!!!!! I have that right!!!!!!!!!


Live life for today!! No regrets!! Seize the day!!!!!!!!!!! No time for depression!!!!!!! Need to be full of zest to do the things that I wanna do!!
Need to live for myself again and out myself on top of my list again!!!!!!!