Perfectionist no more

I used to be such a big perfectionist. I want everything to be the way I want it to be. I want things to be almost prefect. I wanna be in control. Can I? Is this realistic?

Of cos not. I guess I am too burnout and tired trying to keep up the so called "perfectionist image" that I have in my brain. I have to accept the fact that I cannot control everything. I have to let go of the idea that I can be a pefectionisht and that it is possible cos it is definitely not possible.

I am not perect. I can never be perfect. SO why am I dreaming of the perfect life when there is no such thing as a perect life in this world?

I have to let go of all the resentment and bitterness for my own well being. I forgive not for the sake of others but for the sake of myself. I have to let go and forgive. If not, I will be equivalent to swallowing poison everyday and expecting the other person to die.

When the person is enjoying life, relaxing, eating like a kig, sleeping and snorng and happily watching tv...I am simmering in anger here. Totally overwhelmed by resentment and bitterness and destroying my health in the process. Is it worth it?
Why not just let go of the whole thing and enjoy my life and relax. Revenge is sweetest when I am living my life well and to the fullest and be in good health. No point destroying myself for another person who is like that....not worth it at all.

I have so many problems. Why add to them? Better to just take things easy and relax and live moment by moment with innerpeace and happiness.

Life is too fragile. Life is too short. SO!!!! Just let go......be happy now.....enjoy now...while u still can.

No time for negativity.

If

If things dun change I will really be stuck in this depression. I wanna get out but I cannot. Why is it like this?

I wanna reinvent myself. Look different, feeli different. Different focus in life . Different direction. I feel damn lonely.

I want to do something different.

Depression

Depression is anger without enthusiasm. Depression is anger gone inward. How true. I am angry that I am unable to change the situation. That's why the depression. Cos I dun have a solution at the moment. I must admit I am angry with everything right now. Maybe enhanced by my PMS. I am so weary. Sick and tired of doing things I should do but hate. I feel bored out of my mind and I hate to have no companionship. Sick of cooking. I super hate. I hate having no food. I hate being stuck here. I hate my marriage. It is boring beyond words. No connection at all. I kinda give up on it already. Anger is slowing overwhelming all aspects of my life. I am just so freaking tired. I know I have no solution at the moment..that's why the depression. I hate to be depressed. I am so immobilised. I am in a total state of inertia. Dun have motiation to do anything. Burnt out. I woner whether I need to see a psychologist or somehting. But even if I see one....what can he do for me except sedate me so that I dun think about my current situation. Is that really helpful?

Can he help me get out of this situation?
I can only help myself now...............
I am just so angry with this man. He is a total useless person. Can't even make a decision at all. I freaking hate him at the moment. Totally immatured. I cant even have a mature conversation with him. He has no empathy whatsoever.

So tired...how? How to face another day?

Cut out salt

My doc asked me to cut down salt. I did that for a while and got kinda bored and ate a bag of highly salted chips out of defiance and rebellion and boredom. I paid the price. The next morning I felt kinda sick. But being depressed and bored, I ate a big bowl of salty instant noodles. And I had a hard time sleeping that nite. Felt terrible. I never thught a bit of salt could have such a dramatic effect. Yeah, I should have listened to the doc. But I am way too young to cut down on salt!!!!!!! That was how I felt!!!!!!!! But I guess it has nothing to do with age for now. Just that my ailment will be worse if I take salt. So...well....have to restraint myself. I have to cut out the food I can't take. I have to belive that y doing so, I will not be feeling as sick.

So I can't be stubborn..have to cut out......

Also, I need to amputate the toxic relationships that are making me feel bad. I need to feel good without all the stupid guilt that other people try to instil in me. How to live life with so much guilt? I have to live one day at a time, one moment at a time, in peace and happiness and feeling good. I wanna live my life trusting my actions and on my own beliefs and my own terms again. All those stupid opinionated, judgemental, critical idiots aroud me and go and fly kite~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who are they to tell me what to do or how to live my own life? I know myself best. I am not a bad person. I am not an irresponsible person..............I know who I am.

I can't be with that person for now. I duno what will happen next time but for now..I really cannot tolerate this person and I really need a break away from him. He really makes me feel so guilty and bad abot myself. Life is too short to be dragged down by a person like that. I have to live my days happily and feeling good about myself...not be sucked into this bottomless pit of darkness by him.

Health is Wealth. I need to concentrate on that for now. I have too mnay ailments already. I can't add living life in misery to that!!!! I have to feel good everyday irregardless. Live life happily and to the fullest. Dun ever let all those toxic people especially that person to drag me down and instil tremendous guilt in me.

Now, concentrate on my health...good diet....good mood.....

Surround myself with positive, encouraging, supportuve people.

Do things everyday to make myself feel good.

Get away from toxic people. Dun feel bad or guilty no matter what they do or say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Innerpeace~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One moment at a time of innerpeace~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can I?

Can I ever get back to the beginning? Can I be myself again?