Life is too short for toxic people. Time should be spent on enjoyment, fun and laughter and the seeking of joy. Precious time should not be wasted on toxic people who will only bring me down by judging and criticising me and giving me self-doubts.

I have wasted too much time and energy and efforts on that already. Now is the time to focus on finding joy rather than being depressed over things that are n ot meant to be. Leave toxic people alone. Dun trust them anymore. NOt worth my trouble.

Life is precious...DUn waste time like that.

Silly Me

I had believed everything he had said. I had trusted him 100%. I was too soft-hearted and too forgiving. I was too gullible and too vulnerable and too naive. He was so cunning. Yet believed all his lies...yes..they are lies. Now I know. Now I understand. Everything had been a front. Lies.

Everything I had done had been nothing in his eyes. He does not appreciate nor does he cherish. I am a BIG NOTHING. He had taken me a million percent for granted. All my sacrifices had been in vain. Whatever I had done is not even a contribution in his eyes. ALl he does is to make me feel guilty for not doing enough. Whatever I do is NEVER enough. NEVER. Why should I even try. I will always fall short.

There is always a hidden agenda. Everything had been a front. He had taken my kindness and repaid it with cruelty. I will never win cos I will never be as heartless and cruel as him. He must be laughing at me for being so EASY..for being so gullible...for being so trusting ....Hahaha..maybe I should laugh at myself for beig so stupid.

I will not give him a chance to hurt me again. Does he think I will be this stuid forever. Yes..I had been stupid to have put my trust and faith in him. I had been in denial. In denial that he had been so mean to me and had been emotionally abusing me all these while. He had never treated me well. Dun think he ever will. What makes me think that he will change and a miracle like we will live happily ever after will happen? How much longer do I need to be in denial.

I must say I am utterly hurt and disappointed. I am very disheartened beyond words. He had done this for the umpteenth time. I had already felt numb. His mere existence now makes me angry and sad. I cannot go on like this any longer.

I have to break free from this vicious cycle........if not..I will be sucked into this bottomless pit of darkness. I need to break free for my own sake. I have to think of myself now.

Self-Trap No More

I realise that I have been self trapping for the last ten years. Probably in the hope of improving my marriage and my relationship with this person. My energies had been focused mainly on this person. How he treated me, etc. The kind of person that he is, etc. I cannot create maic here. I have to accept the fact that he is not my soulmate and no matter how much efforts I put in...he still will not be. There is no connection no matter what I do right and whatever efforts I have made or will make. Cannot change things cos it is definitely not meant to be. No point cherishing that hope or forcing t anymore. I will NEVER feel for him that way. He can NEVER satisfy me that way. This is how it is. Not going to improve. NEVER EVER.

I need to let go and admit that I have really made a mistake. I have. But no point regretting cos what is done is done. There i definitely no such thing as a time machine. I should be lucky that my regret in life is not as devastating as some other unofrtunate human being's. I am still grateful in life. I like my lifestyle now though I wouls love to have more freedom but then it has been a good experience so far.

The lessons I have learnt so far?

----Patience. I have really learnt to be more patient in everything. Rather than blow my top hen things dun go my way, I have learnt to breathe and stay calm. In a way, I have also learnt tolerance.
I have also learnt that some things are just the way they are. I cannot change them no matter how much efforts I put in. just have to let it be. Cannot force to get the desired results that I wanted.
Empathy. Through hardship, one learns empathy. It is really true. I have learnt to put myself in other people's shoes and have learnt not to give a quick judgement.
I cannot be happy with this person. I cannot deal with his constant anger manipulation, screaming, lack of communication, disrespect, unreasonability, immatured ways etc anymore. I just cannot. He is just too difficult and toxic for me. I realise that I have indeed become more bitter as a person becos of him. Solution is not avoid spending time with him as much as possible but surround myself with more positive, inspiring people.
I have learnt that my personal happiness IS important. I need to keep myself happy by doing the things that I enjoy everyday. If not I will fall into a deep depression. Life is too good to be depressed. So I need to seek the joy that is needed for my well-being.


I need to open myself up once again and rediscover the joys in life and regain the zest that I have lost. I used to do things to feel good. I need to start doing those things again. I still matter. Dun give up on myself. Dun give up on this hope.

Somehow I have become like a walking zombie becos a big part of me has lost that hope. Hope in life is important. We need hope to live. People pay loads of money just to have hope sometimes. I need to have that hope back. HOPE..dun ever lose it again.

Time to start afresh. Really start afresh. Have a new perspective and move ahead. Dun be wishy washy anymore. Get out of this ridiculous so-called comfort zone. This is my life after all. Be happy. The purpose in life is to be happy. No point torturing myself further. No more guilt.

HOPE.

More to Life

There is definitely more to life than BGR, marriage and motherhood. There is more to life for me than being a wife and a mother and to be focused on BGR. It is better to be less emotional. Lots of things I can do with my life. I am sure that there is a purpose in life just for me. I am growing roots so as to flourish more.

Now I should focus on feeling good and having fun and enjoying life. Actually I should be damn proud of myself no matter what he thinks and says. I have done what I should despite everything. I should not let him affect me. I should not care about his judgements and criticisms. AND I DUN NEED HIS APPROVAL!!! Anyway this person does not give me a good feeling. DUn feel good when I am with him.

Anyway, there are lots to do in life........than just BGR.. I should not focus on a unfulflling relationship anywa or make any more efforts to improve it. TIme to just let go. Also parenting is a gradual process of letting go. I feel my kid is old enough to learn independence and resilience. I should not tell him what to do anymore. Rather I should guide him to make the right decisions for himself. And I should teach him how to fish instead of just giving him the fish. Also he should learn to soothe himself when he is upset..I should refrain from trying to comfort or pacify him anymore.

I have to give him space to learn and to grow up....and to achieve independence while keeping an eye on him to keep him safe.

Now is the time to focus more on myself. I have neglected my well-being for so long. I need to come back to focusing on ME.

Wanna change my hairstyle leh...but feel sianz to sit there for 4 hours for the straightening. Boring..........and uncomfortable with my vertigo and all. Very sianz.....I feel really bad for myself sometimes cos I have deteriorated to this. That I cannot even go to the salon without this fear of vertigo. Sianz...tooo much stress and anxiety have resulted in OCD in me, hormonal imbalance and vertigo, migraines and heart palpitations. Sianz..how to get rid of all these? When I cannot even relax or have the space to recuperate and get healed? I need some time to really relax and recover.

It does not define me

My marriage does not define me. I want myself to know that. How he treats me does not define me. My kid's bahaviour also does not define me. I need myself to know all these. Need to detach myself from all these negativity.

So I made a mistake. My mistake does not define me. I am not perfect...I am only human and humans make mistakes. I have tried ways and means to make up for this mistake but it seems like nothing works cos it isn't meant to be. When there is no love............no matter how much efforts...all will be futile.

A new perspective

Most times I think my life is a fraud. Cos I am not in love with my hubby...not interested in what I am doing everyday and sick of dealing with a difficult kid. No motivation, no enthusiasm and most of all, not much loving feelings.

I cannot bring myself to be in love with my hubby. I cannot do it. At least not now. I love my kid lots but I am thoroughly sick and tired of his horrible behaviour. I am tired , exhausted and drained in having to pacify him all the time. And I am so overwhelmed by OCD. So depressed with all these stuff. This is me focusing on the negative aspect.

If I am to focus on the positive aspect.....my life is actually pretty good. Lots of things to be grateful and happy about in my life. No doubt there is the boredom but, nonetheless, my life is really joyous. The saying......what you focus on expands is really true. I can be as happy as I want or be as sad as I want...depending on what I focus my thoughts on. Just a flick of the switch and I can be happy. Isnt that fantastic?

From now on..I need to focus on the good stuff in my life and enjoy being me and , most of all, love life. Life is as good or as bad as you think it is. Yup.

From now...focus on having fun and enjoying life. Make everything I do fun. And , whatever it is, LOVE is the answer.

Loosen up. Life can never be perfect all the time. Not even perfect some of the time...so relax...Live and let live. Let life unfold....dun try to resist it..just go with the flow and whatever goes...........Do my part and the rest that I cannot and can never control..............let it be.

Think happy , positive thoughts. Happy also one day. Sad also one day. Might as well choose to be happy.

Love.............

Mid Life Crisis?

Probably I am having a mid life crisis. I seriously do not know what my motivation is from now. My world used to be love and romance. Now it is like...emotionless. Kinda boring and numb. I dunno what to do from now on. I should have taken better care of myself instead of indulging in my unhappiness and letting time slip by and letting time take a toll on me. I need to take care of myself once again.

SOme short term goals:

-Take care of my complexion..moisturise...take out blackheads. Cleanse.
-Eat better esp fruits and veggies. Dun skip meals.
-Exercise. Stretch...tone....dance. Use the disc.
-Blog and journal
-Wake earler.....be a morning lark rather than a nite owl.
-Watch romance serials to rekindle some romantic vibes and banish numbness.
-Go out and do new things.


Long term goals:

Be financially independent.
Stay healthy
Maintain looks
Sing and dance

Pull myself together

I need to pull myself together. I need to get out of this depression. Do appreciate what I have right now. Learn gratitude.

FInd some new hobbies to keep myself happy. Do things that I like to do. Do things that I SHOULD do and learn to enjoy it. Have the discipline to do the things that I should do so that I can do the things that I wanna do. Everyone has to work, like it or not. So might as well enjoy my work rather than repelling it and resenting it.

Take everything as a challenge. Life will be boring otherwise. Dun need to be so prim and proper or to be so in control of everything. Being in control is only an illusion. No one can be totally in controlof everything. So let go and go with the flow rather than against it. Just BE and let things unfold themselves and be an observer and go with the flow. Let things be.

Learn to relax and not be stressed out. Stress brings uopn too many negative stuff. Better to cope with stress. Learn to relax and be contente in all occasions. Dun analyse or ponder too much. Be careful, yes... but dun try to do everything myself cos that is not possible.

New interests : Internet marketing
Romance serials and cute guys
Cooking
Making sandwiches
Love songs


I like guys with cute smiles. I am a real sucker for that. As long as the guy has an attractive smile....I will be so infatuated. Heheh....and I find a guy's arm the sexiest part of his body. Yeah...i have a fetish for that. Especially if he wears a shirt with rolled up sleeves to his elbow........I love that. I like guys in shirts.

Life is an illusion. Why be so serious about everything and forget enjoyment?
Shold just learn to feel good...make myself feel good and enjoy life..........YEAH!

Time is just a concept. Why be a slave to the clock? Men invented the clock to create stress. Why bother?

Have I changed?

I have really changed. I cannot explain exactly how but I have. And I have changed for the worse I feel. I duno. I have become a totally different person ....to a more bitter, selfish, untrusting and a more fussy person. I used to be so spontaneous and free-spirited. Now I am unhealthily orderly. Which freaks myself out . I dunno how to explain but I have changed for the worse. I have.

I am now burnout, self-absorbed, controlling, naggy, bitter...everything I hope I wont be. Above all, I have OCD now. I saw a woman with OCD once and I did not wanna be like her. Now I am almost.............. I dun wana be like my mom...and now I feel I am heading there. Sigh..I had better chill or else............

I am speechless. I can't believe that this is happening to me. I have changed so much the past 5 yrs that I can't recognise myself anymore. I really do not like the ME now. I prefer the ME before. What has happened to me?

The Result

This is definitely the result of not following my heart and choosing the 'safe', non-risky path due to low self-esteem. Sianz....

I couls have followed my heart and taking a chance. Now , living like this..I can't stop wondering what could have been. Double sigh....

What to do...................I want to follow my heart from now on...no matter what.

Take a break

Need to take a break and focus on other things for a while in order for healing to take place. Need to break the terrible vicious cycle. It is getting too much and going no where. Very bored and stressed with it which is not a good thing. Focus on self-improvement and completely let go of the whole situation. Yeah...

I am the best friend that I ever have. Dun let myself go....just let the whole situation go.

Focus on a few things......mainly Myself :)

Just do what I feel like doing.........forver. Yeah...Be real like a doggie. :)