A new life

I need a new life. I need a friend and I need a job. I need to get well. I can do it.

This is it

I dunno what to say. Just feel very tired of all the anger manipulation and the silent treatment and the withdrawal and rejection. There is no deep communication or sharing or even basic respect towards me. Lots of emotional abuse involved. I dun think I can tolerate all these much longer.

I have never been happy in this relationship cos of all the silent treatment and anger. Unhappy for 12 long years. What makes me think that things can get better?
I persevered and for what? More hurt and meanness and pain from this person. He does not deserve my kindness and patience. He takes me so much for granted.

It is really time to give up. I have to stop being so si xin yan. No matter what I do..it is not going to change anything. This is the way it is. Fated. A mistake form the start. I have to admit that I have made a wrong choice. Indeed, I cannot neglect my heart anymore. Just because I have health problems means that I cannot follow my heart? MY heart says that this is wrong and bad for me. I stay because my health is so poor? I deserve freedom of choice even though my health is poor. This will be a big regret forever if I continue to tolerate.

I need to have a new life. I need to get a job and depend on myself. I need to have new friends. And I need to stop accepting and taking nonsense from people. I need to get rid of this guilt that he dump on me. He has never been my friend. I have had enough. It wasnt totally my fault definitely. He made me into who I am today and I hate it. No more. I cannot be anywhere near this person. He has given me enough depression.

Parenting

What makes a successful parent? I guess it is someone who can bring up a child who is able to achieve his independence sooner. A parent who can bring up an independent child is a good parent. I guess I have failed miserably in this. My kid is full of fears and insecurities and extremely clingy to me and he is nine. Imagine the stress I feel with his behaviour.

Why is he like this? Am I being over protective? DId I do too many things for him?
Did I make too many decisions for him? Did I control him too much? What did I do wrong ? Why is he behaving like this?

I am extremely tired. Totally exhausted. No words to describe how I feel. Really helpless.

I am a different person

I am not who I used to be. I really felt the change in me. I want different things now. Ihave a different perspective in life. I really have no interest in things that used to be so important to me. I really feel that it is a change for the better. Keep this up.

Passion

They say passion is the greatest attitude to be cultivated. It is definitely better to wake up every morning with zest and enthusiasm than to dread the day. So when one has a passion, one will definitely wake up every morning with so much enthusiasm and energy that dreading will have no part in it. So..I guess I wana have a passion.

I used to ahve such zest and interst in everything. Now I am so bored with everything. But I am sure things are going to change from now on.

Pathetic

Sometimes I find myself really pathetic. Really. I hate all my unnecessary suffering. Why should I accet the egative energy of others. I have decided that I should be emotionally detached from all sabotagers from now on. No point allowing them to drag me down. Why should I give them permission to drag me down.

As the song goes, " You are beautiful no matter what they say...words can't bring you down.........." Yeah....Why Should I depend on other people's approval or actions for my won happiness? They can be as immatured as they want. I want NO part of that. No point. I will not accept the negative energy from that man particularly.

Life is still worth living. He has given me so much unhappiness for years. I guess I am really sick of being at his mercy for that. Why should I be ? Who does he think he is anyway? So for now...not matter what he does...it will not bother me anymore. I will not accept negative energy amymore.

Life is still filled with love. Kindness still helps. Be kind to myself and to others. I will definitely be kinder to myself. As to others..I will only be kind to those who truly deserve my kindness. Yeah...I am wiser. Not as dumb or soft-hearted as before.

Gratitude

I once read of a housewife who had four kids and who was quarreling with her husband everyday and complained a lot about her life. Her pastor told her one word which changed her life forever. And that word is "gratitude".

How many of us had forgotten how to be grateful to the simple things in life? We had all forgotten to be grateful for what we had. Rather we were focsing so much on things we do n ot have. Our focus should shift back to what we have. Focus on the glass half full, n ot half empty.

I have not paid much attention to gratitude lately. I should. Instead of thinking of all the things that I SHOULD have and obsessing with what life SHOULD be...I need to pay attention to the things I already have and be more grateful for them.

It is too much pressure being a prefectionist. Why even try? Life is as it is.
Just being is good enough. Being in the now. Being contented. Being grateful. Embrace rather than reject. Go with the flow...

Who says life is going to be easy? take everything as learning ecperiences. It will not be easy adopting such an attitude but it is better to have a positive approach rather than a negative one. Positive energy is always better.

Just like I am more or less having a mental block now but who cares? Just being is good enough.

Better to love than to hate.

What am I doing?

Have I given up? Am I going to just give up like this? I am unhappy..y not look for ways to make myself happier? I should be detached from all problems. I should be happy then. Y close myself up? I need to open up my heart....open up my mind for a new persective in life. LIfe is wat u make of it. We create hope for ourselves. Y be so concerned/worried about the future? Focus on here and NOW.

I cannot go on like this anymore. It is a road of self destructio. Not good for myself. FOr the sake of everyone who loves me...I need to pull myself together and focus on the simple joys and also try new things. I need to start living again. Do not live in fear. No matter what...fear paralyses a person. I shold let to let go and go with the flow of life. Relax and let life take me wherever. Is there a need to be perfect? Is there any use worrying? We have lesser control than we think so y bother? I have to get out of this..I have to. I need to have the determination and will power.

Get away from toxic people and negative energy. Have new positive energy into my life. I need that.


Have 3 blogs. Start exercising. Start meditating. Start putting my face masks. Start eating veggies/fruits. Start cooking. Start having fun. Start enjoying my time. Start having joy. Start listening to music. Start ignoring illogical thoughts.

Start enjoying the mornings. Start going for walks. Start having hope. Start feeling the happiness no matter how little at first.

Start loving myself. Start being kind to myself no matter what others say.