Walk away

The more I walk away....the further I go...the better I feel. Cool. Still detoxing my mind....too many thoughts sometimes. Need to clear mind and not mentally strain it. Relax..life is still good. Hhehehhe...yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love ME!!

Too soft-hearted

I am too soft-hearted and too forgiving. That's why I am always exploited and manipulated and made use of by people. Sigh..I guess this is me..the softie. Sigh..

I can never be as cruel as others. I can never win. Then again.. I have never wanted to win. I have always wanted to be loved and accepted..that's all. Is that too hard? Sigh..Feeling really disheartened. Why oh why? I just want to be loved.

Never Look Back

OK....fine...Never Look Back.....

Done...good.

A promise to myself

I hereby promise myself that no matter what happen..I will take good care of myself everyday. Love myself no matter how I feel. Even when I feel bad..sad...hopeless...problems not solved..whatever. DUN SWEAT IT. Just love myself and just do all the things to take good care of myself.

I must know...this is not the end of the world. This is a blessing in disguise. It will be worse if I dun care about myself. Focus on God and all will be fine.

Need to take really good care of myself and my kid.

OCD

I must be cured of my OCD in 6 mths!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go for counselling for div matters. CCC/chur

Send boy for counselling.

Start IM.

New Motto

Live so that at the end of each day, you can say, "I did my very best." That's what it means to excel at the great game of life.

Main concern

I think my biggest worry is my kid now. My main concern is that he will not be overly affected by the whole ordeal. I want him to grow up emotionally healthy and happy with lots of love. Also safely. Sigh...he is a boy which makes things tougher.

I am angry. Of cos I am angry. Who won't? But what use is anger? I am equally stressed. Do u think I am not strssed up everyday till burnout? Things are not easy for me as well. Why act in such a cruel manner. Only add to ur immaturity.

I had long expected this so ,more or less, it is a relief for me. I am more stressed with my boy nowadays. Totally absurd behaviour. He needs counselling really. ASAP.

I dun wanna be bitter over this. What point is bitterness? We are all adults here. Let's act more maturedly. If u wanna act so immatured and childish..so be it. That is your choice. I just dun wanna prt of that negative energy. Life goes on. Change is the only constant in this world anyway.

My boy is definitely driving me crazy with his absurd extreme behaviours. I am so damn stressed manz. Really feel so stressed yet feel so helpless. I am already having my hands full with the divorce...yet I still have to deal with this stress. SO tired. Really so tired. WTF is wrong with him?? I am so drained.

I am stressed till I am oblivious to everything else. I am so stressed till I have anxiety and OCD. If this goes on..I will surely break down. WHat am I to do? I need to get him into counselling ASAP. So sad. Really feel like crying. One minute he is fine..next minute he is all weird. Arghhhh....I cannot take it anymore. I really cannot take it anymore. And my ex just bail out and gave the excuse that the boy is abnormal. That's it. Leaving me with all these on my own and yet still have the cheek to want custody? Sigh...ironical.

I had long known that my marriage will end. Now coupled with the stress of the kid..it is ending faster than I thought. But then again..better sooner than later. At least I dun have to waste any more youth in this not that I have any youth left. Why is my boy so problematic? So tired. What is wrong with him?

I had never been happy in this marriage. I had long known that my ex is the type who cannot relate to people or have any kind of meaningful relationship with people. I just dun feel that kind of emotional connection with him. Everything was far too superficial. Sex cannot sustain a marriage. COmpanionship and friendship will. But I dun feel close to him. I doubt he is the type who can be close to anyone.

More or less..this is a relief for me. But of cos..after 12 years together..there are lots of memories. Well...let them be just that....memories. End of this chapter.

The beginning of another new, better, chapter.

Letting Go Finally

This is the end of a chapter in my life. Finally..it is over. After all the thoughts in my head, all the unhappiness , all the stupid happenings. I am so tired now. Lack of sleep as well as thinking too much..mental overload. I feel so alone now. The house seem so quiet. Everything seems depressing. I know it is better to end now than later. It is a blessing that it ends now and not another 5 to ten years later. That will be more disastrous. I had always known it will end this way somehow. Just that I always have no courage to be totally firm. This is a blessing in disguise but of cos the pain is still there. I am after all human. And after all I had spent 12 years of my life with this person. 12 long years. I dun believe it. Gone just like that. The reality of life is cruel sometimes. I know I was not on my best behaviour. I had not done lots of things I was supposed to. Let's just say I was not motivated by love. I cannot define love. But I know we had no connection, hence all the unnecessary conflicts. Too tired. Yet still painful. The uncertainty about the future is killing me. Especially towards my kid..I have a fear. I do not want anything bad to happen to him. He will have more trouble adjusting but I guess in time, everything will turn out alright. Just need getting used to.

I am relieved somehow. No need to be on my guard anymore. No need to wonder why anymore. No need to be upset anymore. I wish the chatter in my brain will stop. Too many thoughts. I am so mentally tired.

I already know he is not the type who will solve problems. He only know how to run away whenever there is an inconvenience or not the right feeling. Whatever. I already know. Maybe I was in denial hoping that I was wrong about him. But it turns out, I was right all along. My intuition was right all along. Haha...somuch time wasted and for what?

I need to turn my pain into strength for myself and to help others overcome similar pain. I will go for counselling. I will survive. Takes time. Time will heal as it always does. Be kinder to myself from now on.

I still have myself. And I love myself. I really do. I will make it. Help me God.

Tired

I am tired of all the mind games. Tired of everything. He is always angry. Always. What use is anger? I am tired of it. I am tired of having to be on my guard all the time. Tired.

I saw that woman kept blinking. And now I am doing it. I saw that woman washing her hands obsessively..and now I am doing it. He was making sounds due to stress. And now my turn. I was lying on my bed and I was regretting that I had ruined my health cos of all these. Ireally regret it. I cannot ruin my health further. I need to be healed. Life is too fragile.

Need to be financially independent as well. Invest in myself. The rest..let it be.

Innerpeace.

Eliminate anger

I think my resolution for today is....eliminate anger totally. If I want to be in good health , I have to get rid of all my anger responses. Eventually anger will destroy me..I have to nip it in the bud once and for all. If I am going to continue to have an anger outburst everyday..it is going to be bad for me.

Let go....

A New Start

Forgive and forget. Focus on the right things from now on. I have always resisted. Time to embrace instead. Take this as a life purpose. The difference between my sis and I is that she has always taken taking care of her family as a life purpose. But I have always thought of it as a waste of my time. Perhaps this attitude has made it more difficult for me to accept my responsibilities. I have to change my perspetive. Sometimes mental freedom is enough. No one can have a total physical freedom.

Need to refocus on the right things. Develope interests in the things that I should do. Have the discipline to do things that I should so that I can have the time to enjoy the things that I want to do.

Heal myself.....have faith in God. treat this as my life purpose....then I will feel productive instead of feeling that I am wastingmy life.

I can do things simultaneously. I can fulfil all my responsibilities as well as focus on attaining my dreams and spending time on my passions. Strike a balance in everything. Then I will not feel that I am wasting away my time.

I need to achieve financial stability and freedom. A goal to work towards.
Also...I need to clear my head and brain of all the negative thoughts and all the rules. Learn to rely more on my intuition and God. Pray and let go of things that I cannot control. Control the things that I can. Like my attitude.

Here's a toast to a new start for me. I wanna go with the flow..dun try to swim upstream anymore. Too tiring. Let my intuition and my heart lead me more from now on.

I hate this stupid deja vu

Always like that. I really hate this. Going on and on. I hate this. I dun wanna be upset or angry over this again. I wanna relax. I cant relaz after an anger outburst and I feel unwell too. I hate this. I really dun wanna be in this vicious circle anymore.

Banish Anger

Need to banish anger for my own health's sake. So tired for what? Not taking any negative energies from anyone. Not letting anyone mess me up anymore. I feel that when I am away from all these negative people , I actually feel better.

No more anger. No point ruining my health. Need to live life happily. Let others do what they want. I dun wana change or control anymore.

Mind Freedom.

Get Away

I have to get away from negative people and their negative energies. Sianz..
I need to change my thinking and pespective of things from now. I know what my goals and plans now so just learn and do my best.

Need to change my lifestyle though. I know what changes I have to make. So do them.
Hang in there.
I guess I have to give up trying to change people or try to control things. Sometimes it is better to accept rather than change or control.

I know now it is not me that causes all those things. It is just who he is.

I should shift my focus cos what one focus on will expand.

Sometimes loving is letting go. What is the point to say that I will be happy when I have this or dun have that...........just be happy now.

Hurt no more.

I am tired. Very tired. You cannot imgaine how tired I feel at this moment. I am so mentally exhausted. Most of all ..my heart is tired. I just dun wanna feel hurt anymore. I dun wanna tread on eggshells anymore. What kind of a relationship is this? I always thought I DUN HAVE a choice. That I have to accept all the hurt and negativity. Now I feel..I do indeed have a choice. Why I I accept the hurt? Why should I be hurt over and over again? WHy why Why??? I am too sick and tired already. If this relationship is going to hurt so much...then I dun want it. Love should not hurt. It has hurt for far too long. That most trust and faith are gone.
It seems too fragile. Over small trivial stuff. I dun wanna explain myself anymore. I dun wanna think or analyse anymore. I dun wanna be emotional anymore. If it does not feel good...then forget it. I am too tired. Words canot describe how tired I am. Plus all the boredom. Sianz.

Give up..really given up. I need a life makeover. I need a lifestyle makeover. I need a new life. I need to shift my focus..I really do. I am enough. I rather be by myself than be with someone who hurts me all the time and has no reservations doing so. Sick of all the cruelty etc. Tired..extremely tired.

I need a rest. I need a break form all these emotional turmoil. A much needed rest.Love should be healthy. Healthy love. Positive energy.

The Road back to who I used to be

I need to heal. It will be a long tedious road but I will heal and I will be triumphant.

Reason for depression

I doubt his behaviour will ever change. He has been like this for as long as I know
him. That is 12 long years.

I really hate it when he gets angry with me for the slightest thing, give me silent treatment, dun reply when I speak to him and his rolling his eyes at me and of cos all his cruel judgements and criticims about me. Now I knwo there is a name for this. Emotional abuse. No wonder I am so depressed all the time. How can I be happy when I have to tread on eggshells everyday? One small thing and BAM! All the anger manipulation, silent treatment etc. Getting so tiring.

I always thought that I HAVE TO ACCEPT all these hurt from him. Now I realise I DUN HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!! Why should I?

I am sick and tired and tolerating all these. I am sick and tired of accepting all these from him. I can honestly say that I have never been happy cos of the way he treats me. I doubt I ever will be happy if he continues to treat me this way. He can never change. He will never change cos he does not know the seriousness of it. And even if he does...he will not care or bother to change.

He will be in a rare good mood for a few days and then it will be back to square one. So tired. I am alreasdy thorougly exhausted by his behaviour. This is somehting I can never accept and I can never force myself to accpet.

Now I really feel that I will feel so much less depressed when I am not with this person and walking on eggshells and dreading his next anger episode and silent treatment. I really hate this. I just want to be happy. I can still have friends who will give me positive energy instead of all the negative ones.

Him treating me well will not last. There will always be a reason for him to be angry with me again no matter how trivial and the silent treatment and anger manipulation will begin. I hate it when he keeps gving me the black face. Who does he think he is to do this to me? I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS AGAIN.

This really happens too often already. Almost everyday. I am really tired. Really exhausted. I wanna be happy agian no matter what. I hate the insecurity that anytime he will silet treatment again.

I hate this emotional abuse. I wanna break free. I really want to no matter what.