Nervous breakdown?

Oh no...I feel the depression coming back. Am I having a nrevous breakdown cos I cannot handle my migraines anymore? I dunno...just n o zest to do anything.

No mood...no motivation. Everythign does not seem real anymore. More anxielty and feeling extremely hopeless. What is wrong with me? Nothing seems to make me happy. Worried about so many things. I wanna be well but I dunno how.

I have to do these no matter how I dun like doing.

1. Eat well. Start with some fish oil supplements.
2.Sleep enough. 8 hours.
3.Mild exercise.
4. Do something everyday. DUN stare into space. DUN dwell in self-pity.
5. Talk to someone. DUN isolate myself.
6. Whatever it is....KEEP CALM AND BELIEVE I WILL BE FINE.

Change

I used to have 2 dreams when I was younger. One was to find the love of my life and the other is to be a writer. I doubt I can ever think clearly again after having this persistent migraine. As for falling in love...I guess romance is the greatest lie and illusion ever invented.

Two dreams dashed. I need to find new hope to carry on. I realise that my self esteem is really low. I need to believe in myself and have more confidence in myself. I need to make myself happy and be happy irregardless of what happens and whatthe people around me are doing. I cannot be like the thermometer anymore. Cannot allow my mood and happiness to be dependent on others and outward factors. I need to have this peace and happiness within myself that will not be shaken by external factors. I need to believe in myself and be free from my moods. I have to have this freedom not to rely on my moods to deter my happiness and not let others affect my moods.

As for love and romance....I realise finding that one perfect love or person is totally an illusion. I have been watching too mnay romances on tv and had fantasies about the perfect love. But I realise now that true love like that does not exist at all. After being through countless r/s , I realise there is really no such thing as unconditional love. Unconditional love only exists from God, no one else. I have to stop harbouring this illusion. and start being more realistic in my life.
I have to ....for my own happiness.

No doubt..things have not been going that smoothly for me. Really depressed over my migraine and emotional issues. I am so near a nervous breakdown. May be I am already in the early stages of it. I have to get myself out of this. If not ...it will be such a bottomelsss pit that I will sink in darkness forever.

I guess in life...one has to let go of control. We think we have so much control over our lives but in actual fact, we dont. We never have and never will. I have to learn to live the let go life. Learn to go with the flow. Learn to be comfortable with change. Learn to accept things I can never change. Learn to live and let live. This is the biggest lesson that I have to learn right now.

Don't dwell in darkness anymore. Stop looking at all the negatives cos those will lead me nowhere. Start rebuilding myself and my life again by focusing more on the positives, promoting more laughter and have renewed hope in my life. Be a blessing to others. At least I have learnt empathy through all these. I realise empathy is not somehting u are born with. You have to have enough experiences in your life to learn it. I n ow know the trye meaning of empathy and I have to use this pain to inspire and help others. Don't use this pain against me. Use it for me.

It is really time now to truly let go and allow God to work in my life. I need God. I ahve to live the let go life now and let the holy spirit lead me.

For the moment...I have to EAT, PRAY and LOVE.

I should take the focus away from SELF and be a blessing to others instead. I do not wanna be like those people who are show so much weakness that they are not capable of being happy. They have to rely on medication and others to make them happy. Hence, they lost what is truly inportant in their lives. Freedom. I am not going to do that.. Whatever it is....at least I still have mental and emotional freedom and I can still love others.

I always think to myself ...how wonderful life will be if I dun have to suffer fro this migraine amymore. But I guess I have to stop procastinating my own happiness. I have to be happy now with or without migraine. I am sure that there is a purpose and a meaning to why my life is the way it is. I do not know what that is yet. And I hope someday I will realise that but for now...I can be happy and be kind to others. That is a decision that I have to make and that I want to make.

Focus on making others happy and I will be happy as a result. Romance dies.....life fades away but love will last forever. I guess that the legacy I wanna leave to my kid is that...always be happy no matter what and always choose to love others. Let the more loving one be me.

Thank you God for everything. I will learn to cherish and live my life in gratitude no matter what from n ow onwards. Bless that the Holy Spirit will lead me to the right decisions in my life.
I surrender, dear God, to You and please God....be the Lord of my life from now on. Amen.

Give me Strength

How am I feeling? Maybe a bit hopeless..... Just very tired of all the struggles and suffering. I know there are many people worse than me but I am still so tired from dealing with this health problem for so long. Besides being hopeless..I feel so tired and burnt out . Also feel so handicapped.

I feel that I have really chnaged so much. I used to be such a zestful, enthusiastic, independent, happy person....but now I am so depressed. I have become a completely different person.

I just realy hate to be sick and not functioning the way I used to be. I do not know how to help myself. And the worse is that I may feel better today but tomorrow I may feel terrible again. I cant stnad it. I really feel so hopeless.

I know I cannot give up but I am so tired and hopeless at the moment. I need some hope and faith. Please.....I need to keep going.

1. Eat

2.Sleep by 12am.

3.Meditate

4. Keep a positive outlook and BELIEVE that I will be better.

5.Take one day at a time.

6.Distract by doing something.

No More Negative Emotions

Too many negative emotions throughout the years..and what is the point? Headaches, migraines, dizziness, vertigo...I am so tired. Very very drained. What will be will be. Let it be. Why go against the flow? Why struggle? Cannot do it already.
My body has been subjected to too many negative emotions over the years. I am aware that negative emotions make one sick. Causes cancer too. I have to get rid of all the stressed cells from my body and have healthy normal cells again. My nerves need a long awaited break. My emotions need to be positive again.

I cannot do this anymore. I need a rest.

Meditation

Meditation is a fine-tuning device where we sit still and we tune and tune and tune until we get the most clear and still station which is your soul......

Thinking

I am the type of person who thinks too much, analyses too much..plans too much. Sometimes I should just relax my mind and leave things to God. So mentally exhausting. Need to totally detox all these bad thoughts.

I guess I am the type also who dislikes change and like to be in the comfort zone no matter how bad the comfort zone can be. I had already hated this relationship from the start and at the back of my mid, I already knew that this r/s is not suitable for me at all. Yet I stayed on cos of the comfort zone and also cos I am not the type who likes to initiate breakup. So I kinda self-sabotage this r/s throughtout the yrs , maying subconsciously hoping that I can get rid of it. Yeah..how dumb...just cos I am weak and not firm in my decisions and also too soft hearted. Sometimes I dun really care about my needs as long as things are convenient which I think really cause me to waste so much of my precious time and so many years of my precious youth.

So I had better stick to what I truly want and be brave to pursue what I really truly want out of my life. I need to be brave...feel the fear but do it anywhere. I need to think of my own needs for a change from now onwards. Stop being a doormat. Stop tolerating so as to stay in the comfort zone. Start living the life tat I want and be with the people I wanna be with. Dun ever force myself anymore for the sake of convenience.

Start living and enjoying life on my own terms from now onwards no matter what others say. They can say what thsy like....this is my life after all. Peace.

Walk away

The more I walk away....the further I go...the better I feel. Cool. Still detoxing my mind....too many thoughts sometimes. Need to clear mind and not mentally strain it. Relax..life is still good. Hhehehhe...yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love ME!!