Have some faith

Faith..yes , it is so important.

Have some faith in God, have some faith in life, have some faith in myself, have some faith in my son, have some faith is my hubby. Have some faith in my loved ones.

From now, I am going to have some faith in everyone. Do not think of the negatives once something does not live up to my expectations. Just accept, have faith and move on. :)

*Smile*

Things I learnt today

The biggest challenge in life is to deal with the boredom of everyday life, the monotony of the nitty gritties of everyday life and to make soemthing extraordinary out of the ordinary. Be amazed by the how extraordinary ordinary things really are.

To inspire rather than nag or scold the kids. To not give them the lesson of being insatisiable by giving them too many stuff and to teach them to just be rather than the need to have all the time. To teach empathy and sympathy to kids. Inspire and help them be in tune with their own inner voice to do the right things for themselves rather than telling them what to do all the time. Inspire rather than scold or manipulate themm to be what I want them to be. Dun ask them what they wanna do when they grow up. Rather ask them what they wanna be. DO they wanna be a good person? Teach them the right values. Give them the gift of myself rather than the material gifts. teach them that they do not NEED the material things and a lot of stuff to be happy. They can be happy just as they are not when they have things.

The left hand of unconditional love and the right hand of boudaries, rules and discipline. This is what parenting is. Say No cos we love them and want them to be a better person. Giving in to all their demands just to avoid conflicts will not make them a better human being. This will rob them of their ability to feel and empthasie which is so important.

Interact with your kids. Give them positive attention and inspire them. Scolding and nagging are the wrong ways to motivate people. Very negative.

There is a choice everyday. You choose postive or negative.. You choose to be happy or not despite everything. Happiness is definitely a choice. You choose to be self destructive or not. Everything is a choice. CHOOSE WISELY.

Give my kid the positives , not drag him down with my own personal negatives. Set a good example....Be a good example.....Be a good influence in his life rather than be the neagative influence. It is time to step up on the plate and be a responsible parent. Not a perfect parent cos nobody is perfect but to be a good and responsible one.

Not to hold on to everything for dear life but leanr to let go and go with the flow.
Not to struggle to control everything but learn to give up control cos no one can control everything in his/her life. Impossible so dun try.

Let go.......dun control....be contented......choose to be happy despite and relaxxxxxx..... and dun forget to smile and laugh.........

Pull myself together

I have to pull myself together! I cannot allow myself to fall into the bottomless pit of depression anymore.. I realise that I give in too much to how I feel. Sometimes I have to do somehting irregardless of how I feel. I may be feeling depressed, moody but I have to not let it control me. That I must still function despite feeling all these negative emotions.

Embrace

I have to accept my life..embrace it instead of repelling it. Since I cannt make any drastic changes to my life right now, I might as well just accept everything that is in my life right now and be contented with whatever it has to offer and to be the best in what I have to do everyday.

So I am a wife...be the best wife....but does not mean I need to be a door mat.
So I am a mum...so I be the best mum but does not mean I don;t discipline and let my child rule me.

Just be the best that I can be in these areas.

Embrace my life........... :)

No time for depression

I realise that I really have no time for depression. Sometimes I think, whatever I do , does not matter and will not affect anyone but it does. My son is affected by EVERYTHING that I do...no matter how sybtle or small my actions are,....he is still influenced and affected by me. So ,from now on, I must really be mindful of what I do. I do not want to influence him negatively anymore. I realise that my quarrels with my hubby really affect my son a lot. I feel so sorry for him. I will try my best not to put him through such negative things anymore. I read somewhere that whenever one quarrels in front of one's kid, one will rob the kid of his innocence. I really do not want to affect im negatively anymore.

I have to learn to have self- control and control over my emotions at all times, be it PMS, hormaonal imbalance or wharever. I do n ot want negative emotions to cause anymore damage.

I will have no time for depression. I have too much to do now. Too many amends to be made and too many changes to be done. I have to stop having too much idle time. I need to do soemthing. Idling will lead to negative thoughts which will lead to negative emotions and that will lead to damage. SO no point. It is better to be occupied than to be idle and it is better to care than not care.

I will not let my moods control me anymore. I will live my life with more self control from now on. :)

Manage my moods

I need God.......He is my anchor in life. I cannot go on blind and aimless.

I cannot use hard on hard.

I must use the good qualities against all the bad stuff. Oh shit..wat am I writing?

I am simply too tired. Survived on 4 hours of sleep each nite for the past few nites. Sleep deprivation, thinking too much, under too much emotional stress...all these adding to my fatigue. Sighzzzzzz....

I read somewhere that u can damage ur nerve vessels when u r angry. I guess I muct have damaged a lot by now. Sigh...what am I doing? Why must I always react??

Learnt today that my mood swings are not my fault and that my moods dun define me.

Hmmm....ok...but I have to learn to manage my moods before they destroy me and all that I have. Yeah...my moods are that uncontrollable at times. Cos my triggers are all too powerful...I am really under a lot of emotional stress...........Arghhhhh.....

Cant get out. The triggers and stressors are still there and there are plenty of them.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... I have to be calm...maybe I should try mediatation? Om............................................??????? I dunno...cant think...I need sleep.

Arghhhhhhhh..... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

I need rest. Physical, mental and emotional rest.
I need plenty of rest. I need a time out from all emotional stressors. Arghhhhh.......

Breakthrough

Today is a breakthrough day fo rme. I have always thought that I was doing the right things all along. Now then I realise that I have been doing all the WRONG things and have been doing more harm than good. Sigh.....I have to change my behaviour in order for him to change his behaviour. I have to learn when to hold my tongue. I realise that if I carry on having ao opinion about everything, it will not be beneficial for my son or my marriage. I will try my best. I will slide now and then but at least I know what to do. I am on the right path now. Most of all, have faith.

I have been thinking about this since yesterday night and have a headache as a result. Enough thinking about this. Have a break....enjoy myself today and have a blank mind. My brain desperately needs a rest.

But I am at peace. Relaxxxxxx........calmmmmmm.......hehee :P

DO these this week

My mood: stressed and irritable.

Level of relaxation= Tense and anxious all the time.

Too many things on my mind.

My level of tolerance=Zero

This is my current situation now. I am up to here with his whinning. It is such a disturbing habit to me. I dun wanna tolerate it anymore. My goal is to stop his bad habit and reinforce a more positive behaviour from him.

But I learn one thing...what u focus on expands....I guess I have to learn not to think and put my attention on this problem too much so as not to make it bigger than it is.


I need to do this this week:
1. Put down the ground rules and follow through.
2.Do not tolerate bad bahaviour. Dun give attention to any bad behaviour so as not to encourage it.
3. Need him to know that there is a consequence with every action.
4. DO not let him have his way no matter how much he whines to get his way. Be firm.
5. No nattering.
6. Do not give him too much attention or praise. Praise only his good behaviour and actions.

I need to do these for myself: (although it is hard)
1. No matter what...be calm.....dun aggravate the situation.
2.Do not magnify matters.
3. Learn to let go and let it be.
4.Do not be overly anxious about my kid. Trust him to make a good choice and remind him when he hasn't. DUn remind him ALL the time.
5. Acknowledge and praise the good sounds he makes.....his nice voice, his nice smile, and his cheery behaviour. DUn focus on his whinning and crying.
6. Expect good behaviour from him.

Above all, try to relax...stay calm and LAUGH. LAughing releases negative emotions.

Hope this works.....I am really so stressed out. SIghzzzzzzz

What have I done?

What have I done? It seems that I am conscious enough recently to ask myself this question. Seems like I have lived the past decade of my life with my eyes closed, oblivious to everything that have happened. Now I feel I have finally "woken" up.

I take a look at my life now. Been introspecting a lot lately. I guess it is in my nature to reflect and intropect now and then but I guess I have stopped listeing to my heart for the past decade. I have neglected my heart and turned a deaf ear to what it has to tell me. Sigh...what have I done?

Am I happy with the way things are now? I feel that I am contented, satisfied but not happy. I am appreciative and grateful for everything that I have right now but I am not happy. Maybe I am too bored, or maybe.....ok..I should stop making excuses and stop using my head. My heart tells me that I am very lonely and that I have no connection to anyone.

Actually I already know that this will happen but I tune myself out..not wanting to face this. Even b4 the ROM, I already know that it is going to be a non-sharing, communicationless, chatless, emotionless kind of marriage that I am going into but I still do it anyway. Maybe all I want was security then. I was a very insecure person. Since childhood I had hated to be alone. I had wanted security. Seeing how he acted b4 and after the a#$%tion, really kills all hope that this man is ver going to care a lot about me. I guess my heart died that day and never fully recovered.

I can forget that incident but I cannot forget the fact that he actually cared so little about me and his coldness. If I want to put it behind me, probably I can but ,now, I am faced with this emotionless, non-sharing kind of situation with him everyday that I am kinda tired that we cannot even communicate like friends. He is not my friend at this moment. Maybe a house mate. I dunno how to explain but I am really losing hope and interest in this relationship if u can call it relationship. I know he is not a bad person and that I really appreciate all the things that he had done for me but I feel I am really much happier if I detach myself emotionallly from him.
Just dun expect to have any kind of emotional connection with him. No such expectations and maybe I will be happier but then what's the difference if I am single or married now. Both being emotionally detached from anyone.

Life.......

Boredom and unhappiness can really deplete one's spirit and eat away at one's soul in life. You seemany people, beautiful, healthy, rich but they are in so much emotional pain that they become so unhappy and depressed and as a result , do destructive things to themselves and sabotage all their relationships and their lives.
Sighzzz.....see how powerful happiness is...when one is not happy, one will tend to make life really miserable for oneself.

And the surprising thing is even fithy rich, gorgeous looking, healthy fit individuals succumb to depression and self destruction. Maybe no mmore goals to fulfil, or nothing much more to look forward to in life. You always think when I am rich..I will be happy. WHen I have bigger breasts, I will be happy. We always want what we dun have. ANd we always want to be loved. Happiness seems to be something so far from our grasp. ALways..I will BE happy WHEN........... and when we get there , it will always be something else. Never satisfied, never contented, never happy.

Why cant we all just be happy now? Just be happy...no reasons. No need reasons. Sometimes one may think...I will be happy when I am loved by him....hmmm....why?
Cant just be happy , no strings attached? I cant understand the mentality of human beings. Why must things be so complicated. And why must people be afraid of boredom. I am bored, so what??? Must I frantically find something to do and fill the void? Something to excite and interest me? Is there a MUST? Purpose....some people are working so hard to find their purpose in life....is purpose really so important? So, I dunno why I am here...SO WHAT???
Do I need to beat myself up cos I have no goals, no purpose and bored all the time? SO WHAT IF in the eyes of other people , I am wasting my time? SO WHAT if THEY think I could be more productive with my time?
WHO R THEY to tell me how I live, what to want out of life, etc? SO WHAT if I just wanna do things just to enjoy myself and bum around each day? If I can afford to live like this....WHO IS ANYONE TO JUDGE ME? I live the way I like. I have free will to do whatever I want.
Keep all your opinions to yourself. I dun need anyone's approval for the way I live.
My existence counts just because I exist...nothing else. I dun have to prove to anyone that I am worthy cos of the THINGS I DO, WHAT I CAN CONTRIBUTE, etc. I dun have to 'raise' my own worthiness by doing more things approved by other people. NO NEED TO.
I am worthy just because I exist. I am enough just because I am. DUn give me all the crap about what the norm in life is...how pple SHOULD live.....WHY SHOULD I BE OTHER PPLE?? I just wanna be ME! DUn tell me what I SHOULD DO cos NORMAL PPLE DO THAT. SO WHAT if I dun do what NORMAL pple do?? Must I spend my entire life following the crowd and doing what they approve of??? We are individuals with individual brains. WHY must we FOLLOW what others do for the sake of being NORMAL??????
I believe in myself. I haven't believed in myself for a long time but I do believe in myself NOW. I have gained the trust in myself back. I am proud of myself irregardless of what u think or of what others think. I only care about what I think now. As long as I believe what is right...I dun NEED u to tell me I am wrong and make me feel guilty. It is not going to work on me anymore.
I am COMPLETE now, even without u. YOU DUN COMPLETE ME. I AM ALREADY COMPLETE WITHOUT U.
I AM HAPPY NOW. I AM AT PEACE...I REALLY AM. I do not wanna try to control anymore...I just TRUST that life can take care of itself.

These have got to change

Some things need tobe changed.

I am not going to let my son step all over me, shit on my head, vent all his crap on me just cos I love him and want him to be happy. No more. He needs to have some male influence in his life so that he will not continue to the whinny kid that he is. I have been tolerating all his nonsense just cos I love him sooo very much but I realise that if I really love him , I need to make him an independent person rather than to be reliant on me all the time. Love is moulding him into an independent and responsible person and not doing everything for him all the time. He needs to learn how to handle certain situations on his own. To love him is to make him independent so that when he goes out into the world, he will survive. He has to learn how to take care of himself and all the necessary survivial skills and the handling of his own emotions, etc.

I had loved him the WRONG way. I love him a lot...so much so that I do things for him that will not benefit him in the long run. I had allowed him to be overly reliant on my in almost all aspects which will not help him in his own growth. Cos I felt so unloved as a child, I had wanted my child to feel so loved and to meet his every need so much so that it is actually not doing him any good in the long run. I have to love him the right way....by providing h im the necessary skills to make him an independent person. I also have to let him have the skills to handle his own emotions without me having to comfort him all the time and allowing him to vent all his unhappiness and frustrations on me. How stupid could I be. I thought I was loving him when I did all those things in the past but I realise now that all these will only hinder his own growth in life.

I have to learn to let go and let him learn the things himself. Let him grow as he will.

Weekly Goals

I am moving from pain towards power. Slowly but steadily, I am not halfway there yet but I will get there. Yes, I will.

This week's goals:

1) Take good care of myself.
2) Do not criticise or scold or blame anyone for anything.
3) Sleep or take a break when feeling really lousy.
4) Do not lash out at anyone or have angry outburst.
5) Relieve stress and control migraine.

Lost Hope

I am so hungry right now and when I am hungry I think all negative thoughts.

I am the type of person who cannot be hungry and cannot function without a proper meal.

I feel so hopeless right now. I have basically lost hope in almost everything.

Somehow I am existing but I have shut down and checked out.

Not enough?

I have always had feelings of not being enough....not being good enough.....

But now I have learnt to have a higher sense of self esteem just because I am me.

I am enough just because I am.

Do I know?

Do I know what I want now? Can I even get what I want. I am in a confused state now. Not enjoying any innerpeace at the moment. I feel more numb than unhappy. Like I dun care anymore. Whatever.

I guess I dun like being alone. And there's no one to talk to except this blog about my innermost thoughts. I really wish I have someone to talk to. I gues I need someone after all. I dun wanna be alone.

I am tired....really tired. I dun wanna think....plan or do anything anymore. I just wanan let go of everything cos I am too fatigued to care. Too weary to carry on like this. I am shutting down but I dun want that.

How did I end up feeling like this??

Regrets

I regret putting all my eggs in one basket. I really regret marrying someone I didnt love or admire. There is simply no connection between me and him. It is not his fault...I guess it is no one's fault. Chemistry cannot be forced or arranged. Feelings cannot be created. It has ti come naturally. Guess I have no such feelings for this person.

I regret, I really do regret making certain decisions that led me to this place. I think the only good thing that came out of this marriage is our kid. I love him lots.

I regret not following my heart when I had the chance. Maybe it is because of my very low self esteem then. I did not care at all about my own needs. I dun care about myself at all. I just do what I think I SHOULD do at that time and chose the path that I thought was the safest for me. Now that I introspect, I really regret not following my heart and taking more chances and more risks. Sigh........

I am a very passionate person. I cannot settle for emotionless things. Like my marriage now...totally emotionless. It is so difficult for me to face the way things are now. I have this aching feeling inside me. Not that I blame my hubby...that's the way he is and I have kind of accepted that fact but having no connection with him is what tore me to pieces. Definitely no connection. Double sigh........ no sparks either. I really dunno how to face him or what to say to him. Due to our exploding history, I guess it is very difficult to get things on the right path again. The right path being distant politeness? Our path has moved from being distant politeness before all the quarrels to being awkward and landmindish now.

I read this book which says that life is made up of many aspects and by putting one;s entire emphasis into one aspect of life like a relationship is really not healthy. I have to shift my focus to the other areas in my life too and make things more balanced. I need some thinking and life coaching and plenty of planning now.

I know myself too well. I dun thrive well under stress and responsibilities. I dun like to try to live up tot other people's expectations. I just love to live life in my own terms and do what makes me happy. I dun like people to make me feel guilty just because I didnt do certain things. I dun like others to tell me to do what they think is the right thing to do. I rather do what I think is right. I realise me and hubby have too many conflicting ideas and beliefs that make it very diffficult for me to accept or even to live up to his expectations. I am who I am . I am me. I know what I am good at, suck at, happy with. I dun like him to put the guilt concept into me just because he thinks what I should be doing instead of what I am doing.

How can u expect me to listen (meaning obey) u when I dun even believe in what u say? I am not a puppet.

I do not wanna be a puppet anymore. My emotions will not be controlled or be manipulated by u anymore.

Cheers to my new life.....cheers to being truly me.......

I have changed

I have changed....really. I used to be such a nite owl....I love to stay up and love the nites. Now I am a morning person. I love the fresh air in the mornings and love the idea that everything is so fresh and beautiful.

I used to love going to nightspots. Now I prefer nature. I love the atmosphere of natural surroundings.....so calming and , of course, all the positive energies.

I love doing healthier things now compared to last time. I take care of myself more. I think I am on a more positive road now.

Shopping

Shopping. I just say I love to buy stuff....rather impulse buying.

I guess I am just shopping to fill the void that is within myself. I feel so empty inside that I use stuff to , hopefully, fill the emptiness inside. I guess that will not work.

I have to challenge myself to live beneath my means and to simplify my life and fill the empty void inside me with something meaningful rather than accumulating stuff and hope to feel better.

I have to not rely on retail therapy to feel better anymore.

I really have to change my perspective and attitude. Impulsive shopping and buying will only relieve my mood temporarily. I need something more meaningful to fill this emptiness. I have to feel good from the inside, n ot rely on outward things to make me happier.

Challenge myself to not use things to fill my void.

Fun fun fun

Being a stay at home mum is the hardest job on earth. Really tough. Especially if you have a very difficult and problematic child. Who says a housewife's job is easy..it is never easy. You are on call 24/7. Who can stand it? Sigh...life is hard.

FUn. I miss it. I have forgotten how to have fun...I have forgotten how to live my life. My whole world is centred around my child. I have to let the focus be back on myself. I cannot go on living my life postponing having fun out of guilt cos taking good care of my kid is top priority. I have to have fun in the midst of this too. If not..I will be very unhappy and sink really deep into depression.

I need a change of my perspective and attitude towards this issue. I really cannot go on cancelling myself out and think that I DUN MATTER. I DO MATTER. I need to take good care of myself and that inculdes having fun without feeling guilty. I need this for my own well being.

I need to live my own life again. I need to know what excites me again. I need to know what I love to do again. I need to be ME again. Not just a mother.

I promise myself that I am on the road to recovery ...........and freedom.......