How did I get here.

I have learned unhappiness cos I grew up in such and unhapy and quarrelsome environment. I hate the environment I grew up in. I saw too much unhealthy things already. It caused depression in me. It created fear and plenty of anxiety. I couldn't relax at all in that environment. Cos I was verbally abused everyday. It eroded my self esteem. There was no happiness and security. Only fear and abuse. I wanted to run away from all that. I hated those people. My self esteem was so low then. I was called useless every single day. I was being scolded every single day. All I wanted was someone to love me and show me concern and give me unconditional love. My desire for love was so great that i would do almost anything to get it. I had sex with guys just to feel love. It was pathetic. Sighz.....

That is why I try so hard to give a lot of love to my son. I wanted things to be perfect and for him to get what I didn't get in my childhood. Maybe I overdid it. But my childhood was so unhappy that I want to do my best to give my son a healthy and happy childhood. But I am broken myself. How can I give him something whole when I am far from whole? I am still broken and affected by my past.

My marriage did not help. I am married to a man who likes to manipulate me with his anger. He is extremely petty to the extent that if he doesnt approve of me doing something, he will give me a black face and be curt to me or be withdrawn. I hat being treated like that. I really hate it. It is like treading on eggshells everyday. Even very trivial and minor stuff will make him angry. I am very tired of pacifying him and trying so hard not to offend him.

I wanna break free from all these unhealthy stuff. I want to be happy. I wanna choose to be happy. I wanna live everyday happily. I wanna break free from all these toxic people. I will succeed. I will. I am so stressed everyday that I have OCD and anxiety as a result. I have to recover. He has NO concern or sympathy for me. All he cares about is himself. From what he has said time and again, I know. He has the cheek to say I am abnormal at least a million times when I have OCD. How much care will he have for me? I shouldn't be stupid anymore. He is not the one.

I will heal after I have broken free all all these toxic people who kept telling me wat to do. This is my life after all. I won't fall for their guilt manipulation anymore. Enough. Period.