I am not happy

They say depression is anger turned inward. Yup....I am very angry with myself. Angry that I had allowed others to treat me this way and thus allowed myself to sink into all these resulting in poor health, anxiety and depression. I hate myself now. I loathe everything right now. I am contented in a way. I am contented that I have what I have but on the other hand I am frustrated cos I hate to do what I do everyday. I guess I can never accet the fact that I am stuck at home. The problem is while others find this very meaningful and productive, I find it boring and a waste of my precious time. I dunno...I am confused. I have never wanted to be domestic. I want to see the world. To mingle in the world. To have zest everyday to do the things I wanna do. SOmehow I find myself slipping away everyday. With no aim..no direction...and , I am afraid to say...no hope. I dun wanna be hopeless. But I do feel that now. I dread my routine at times. I hate to be stuck in the rut. I hate all these and I still have to go on like this. I am really dying inside. I dun feel productive at all. I feel depressed everyday. And angry. Angry that I still have to do what I hate. I know I need to change my attitude. But I really hate to deal with the same old problems everyday. Dealing with all the same things really make me very anxious and stressed resulting in my OCD and tics, etc. I am really sad for myself. Really really sad that I have become like this. And I still have to face all these. I am so tired, so exhausted. I have kinda let go of myself and allowed myself to sink deep into depression which I know will be destructive for me. I need to get out before it is too late. I need to save myself. If I go on like this.....I du dare to think. SIgh..I need to get out but I dunno how. I really feel very stuck and unhappy and very very angry. I have to deal with this anger and I have to get rid of this anger before it destroys me. I need a rest but I have no rest at the moment. This is getting too frustrating.

I need a flicker of hope. I am just very upset that I had allowed myself to deteriorate to this extent. I hate myself for always tolerating...till I reach my limit and over. I hate myself for being so sofe hearted all the time. I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for doing this to myself. I should have taken care of my own needs instead of putting everyont before me and thus being so unhappy and sick now. I am unhappy. My body cannot take it anymore and thus manifest its unhappiness in all these ailments. I need to heal all these ailemts now before it is too late.