Self-Trap No More

I realise that I have been self trapping for the last ten years. Probably in the hope of improving my marriage and my relationship with this person. My energies had been focused mainly on this person. How he treated me, etc. The kind of person that he is, etc. I cannot create maic here. I have to accept the fact that he is not my soulmate and no matter how much efforts I put in...he still will not be. There is no connection no matter what I do right and whatever efforts I have made or will make. Cannot change things cos it is definitely not meant to be. No point cherishing that hope or forcing t anymore. I will NEVER feel for him that way. He can NEVER satisfy me that way. This is how it is. Not going to improve. NEVER EVER.

I need to let go and admit that I have really made a mistake. I have. But no point regretting cos what is done is done. There i definitely no such thing as a time machine. I should be lucky that my regret in life is not as devastating as some other unofrtunate human being's. I am still grateful in life. I like my lifestyle now though I wouls love to have more freedom but then it has been a good experience so far.

The lessons I have learnt so far?

----Patience. I have really learnt to be more patient in everything. Rather than blow my top hen things dun go my way, I have learnt to breathe and stay calm. In a way, I have also learnt tolerance.
I have also learnt that some things are just the way they are. I cannot change them no matter how much efforts I put in. just have to let it be. Cannot force to get the desired results that I wanted.
Empathy. Through hardship, one learns empathy. It is really true. I have learnt to put myself in other people's shoes and have learnt not to give a quick judgement.
I cannot be happy with this person. I cannot deal with his constant anger manipulation, screaming, lack of communication, disrespect, unreasonability, immatured ways etc anymore. I just cannot. He is just too difficult and toxic for me. I realise that I have indeed become more bitter as a person becos of him. Solution is not avoid spending time with him as much as possible but surround myself with more positive, inspiring people.
I have learnt that my personal happiness IS important. I need to keep myself happy by doing the things that I enjoy everyday. If not I will fall into a deep depression. Life is too good to be depressed. So I need to seek the joy that is needed for my well-being.


I need to open myself up once again and rediscover the joys in life and regain the zest that I have lost. I used to do things to feel good. I need to start doing those things again. I still matter. Dun give up on myself. Dun give up on this hope.

Somehow I have become like a walking zombie becos a big part of me has lost that hope. Hope in life is important. We need hope to live. People pay loads of money just to have hope sometimes. I need to have that hope back. HOPE..dun ever lose it again.

Time to start afresh. Really start afresh. Have a new perspective and move ahead. Dun be wishy washy anymore. Get out of this ridiculous so-called comfort zone. This is my life after all. Be happy. The purpose in life is to be happy. No point torturing myself further. No more guilt.

HOPE.