Letting Go Finally

This is the end of a chapter in my life. Finally..it is over. After all the thoughts in my head, all the unhappiness , all the stupid happenings. I am so tired now. Lack of sleep as well as thinking too much..mental overload. I feel so alone now. The house seem so quiet. Everything seems depressing. I know it is better to end now than later. It is a blessing that it ends now and not another 5 to ten years later. That will be more disastrous. I had always known it will end this way somehow. Just that I always have no courage to be totally firm. This is a blessing in disguise but of cos the pain is still there. I am after all human. And after all I had spent 12 years of my life with this person. 12 long years. I dun believe it. Gone just like that. The reality of life is cruel sometimes. I know I was not on my best behaviour. I had not done lots of things I was supposed to. Let's just say I was not motivated by love. I cannot define love. But I know we had no connection, hence all the unnecessary conflicts. Too tired. Yet still painful. The uncertainty about the future is killing me. Especially towards my kid..I have a fear. I do not want anything bad to happen to him. He will have more trouble adjusting but I guess in time, everything will turn out alright. Just need getting used to.

I am relieved somehow. No need to be on my guard anymore. No need to wonder why anymore. No need to be upset anymore. I wish the chatter in my brain will stop. Too many thoughts. I am so mentally tired.

I already know he is not the type who will solve problems. He only know how to run away whenever there is an inconvenience or not the right feeling. Whatever. I already know. Maybe I was in denial hoping that I was wrong about him. But it turns out, I was right all along. My intuition was right all along. Haha...somuch time wasted and for what?

I need to turn my pain into strength for myself and to help others overcome similar pain. I will go for counselling. I will survive. Takes time. Time will heal as it always does. Be kinder to myself from now on.

I still have myself. And I love myself. I really do. I will make it. Help me God.