Enough is enough

I am sick and tired of getting into the same arguments with him over the same issues again and again and I am definitely sick of always hearing the same accusations and treading on a landmind every single day.

Yes..I am tired. Finally everything makes no sense. The quarrels, the criticisms, the judgements....I am tired of all. How can I live my life..day after day condemned by this person....blamed and made to feel guilty and always giving me the feeling that whatever I do is wrong, whatever I say makes him angry, whatever I think is not worthy ..that I am wrong just being me? Ridiculous....dun think I can live like this anymore.

Imagine..I voice an opinion and get the silent treatment from him. Becos of whatever reason he can come up with...something I did in the process of saying my words somehow is wrong to him. ANd according to him..I have all the wrong hobbies....I am overall a very wrongperson. Just being me definitely is not just not enough but also somehow WRONG. HOW THE F**K CAN I CARRY ON LIVING LIKE THIS??????

Not a kind word from him. Not a word of encouragement. Every word that comes out from his mouth is to say I am wrong..that I am bad. Sick.
How can I even be happy under these circumstances?????

I out up with all these for ten long years already. All I wanted to do was do the right things...but who to determine right or wrong?? Him! He scoffs at me when I wanna go clubbing or to go karaoke..those are wrong hobbies to him. Then what about what I enjoy? Do I have to have a complate makeover and need to gain his approval in everything.

I have been replying on y brain telling me to stay on...becos we are married...he SHOULD be the one for me...... I have been neglecting what my heart tells me all these years. I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel bad...I just ignore all these negative feelings....telling myself time and again to hang on...becos he is right... and I began to doubt myself. I have loads of self doubt. AM I really that bad? AM I really wrong ALL the time??? Why must I live my life according to his rules?????

Why cant I just be myself??? THis man..he really does not know the meaning of cherish. He has never cherished me and I doubt he ever will. I am sick of being scared as to when I am going to make another 'mistake' and get the angry face silent treatment from him. I am really scared of all these and sick of all these. I NEED TO BREAK FREE. I NEED TO BE MYSELF AGAIN. I NEED TO DO THE THINGS I LOVE AGAIN. I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE ACCORDING TO MY OWN RULES AND BELIEFS AGAIN. I AM JUST SICK, SICK , SICK AT THE THINGS THAT THIS MAN SAYS TO ME. ALL THE HURTFUL STUFF. I SHALL LET HIM HURT ME NO MORE. THAT IS MY PROMISE TO MYSELF.