Am I depressed?

I feel so bored all the time. I am totally restless and I dunno what to do. Maybe I have too much free time on my hands? Maybe I am alone too much? Maybe I have not done something I wanan do for a long time. I dunno but I do have this depression within me. Like I am going to fall into a bottomless pit of darkness unless I hang on as toghtly as I can. If not...I will be falling and falling and falling.............

Maybe I am alone too much...giving me too much time to think of all the negatives. I have not gone out for the past 4 days....just stoning at home. I have not done anything enjoyable for some time now. Boredom really kills. I read somewhere that it is better to be busy with something and be preoccupied than to be busy with nothing and not do anything. It is better to be busy than to do nothing to the extent that time crawls and turns unbearable. Sigh......sometimes I dunno what to do with myself.
It is really no fun doing things alone.................with no one for company and to talk to. Absolutely boring.

I have no hobbies..no direction...everyday is spent in boredom......with no one to talk to...how long can I tolerate a lifestyle like this. And the worst thing is....I dun wanna do anything about it.....I am too much in a state of inertia to do anything about anything. I am totally stuck in a state of inertia like I dun care anymore.

I can only think of only one thing to occupy my time...shopping and that;s getting boring and meaningless. I feel like I am in a deadend all the time. I am stuck in a deadend marriage....with no passion, sparks, excitement, whatsoever...me n hubby have hardly any interaction in a day. And I totally hate it when our interaction turns into an argument. Sigh......Finding something that I can do ALONE is totally not motivational. Bored. I am freaking bored with my life. I have become so negative and dark that I am afraid of myself sometimes. I wanna be happy...but I dun feel it. I just drift day to day merely existing...going through the motions of doing what I SHOULD do everyday...like a robot. Numb .....I feel absolutely numb..unmotivated....aimless....passionless.....like I dun wanna care........but I do care.

I feel totally empty. The emptiness is overwhelming me. I find no fulfilment in my life. Not in my marriage..not as a mother....I dun feel the joy or contentment that I SHOULD feel. Maybe I am really suffering from depression. Maybe all these feelings are becos I have depression. I dunno. I do know that I need to do soemthing about this situation before I go totally berserk and hurt somebody.

Do I feel gratitude? Yes I do. I am grateful for everything I have in my life...and for myself. But most likely...the boredom is engulfing me , leading to my depression and stress. Stress from having no hobbies, no passion, no aim, no motivation and from the worries I have as a mother for my child who is so problematic. Sigh.....I am confused BUT I know I need to find something to do to accupy my time....to motivate me to wake up in the mornings ...if not....I will spiral into a hole so dark...I will regret it.

What to do? Think...think ..think...sigh....f**k....sigh.....