Lost

I feel so lost. I have totally lost myself. I dunno what I like to do anymore. I have absolutely no zest. I dun plan wat I wanna do cos I know I have no time to do them. I now do things cos I SHOULD and it is driving me nuts. I am exhausted and I hate my routine. Everyday goes by with me doing things I dun enjoy doing and NOT doing things I wanna do. I have totally no interest in anything anymore. Feels so dead and so numb. I wonder how I am going to survive at least 4 yrs of these. I dun think I can do it. Should I just let things drag on and shortchange myself for another 4 yrs? I cherish wat I have. I am grateful for every thing I have. But totally neglecting myself is terrible. Should I feel guilty that I am feeling sick and tired of all these. I am fortunate, yes. But should I totally ignore my own needs just not to feel guilty? Am I n ot being contented if I decide to do things I wana do? I SHOULD MEET MY OWN NEEDS. I SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILT FOR THAT. After all , this is my life and I have the right to live. I have the right to live. I cant just be bogged down by my responsibilities and obligations and cancel myself out. I can't.

For at least 9 mths..I have had not even a short break. I did nothing for myself. I did what I should 24/7. Why? I want things to do better. I have totally negelcted myself as a result. I feel really sorry for myself to see myself like this. This should not be the life I am leading. I need some fun, some enjoyment, some life, some zest, somekind of aim. I am living day to day like a zombie. It is scary what this is doing to my health. Not just physically but mentally and emtionally as well. Imagine I have all kids of physiacl ailments imaginable..I am totally anxios, depressed and have OCD. I have trouble concentrating and I have not much of a memory. How did I end up like this????

When I started being a full time mum 5 yrs ago..I was still zestful. Now I am totally dead inside , like a zombie and full of sickness. How to go on like this. Year after year, I get more and more depressed. Day after day, I lose more of myself and my health deterirates with the days. I feel so sad for myself. Everything seems so bleak and difficult. I feel trapped. I need some time to get well...to heal myself. What am I gonna do now?


I should delegate. Yes I should. I should make life as easy for me as possible. DUn let motherhood eat me up alive. Yes, I am thankful, grateful and contented that I am a mother but clearly it is eating me up alive! It is killing me softly everyday. I am dying a little with each passing day. I feel so numb ....I hate this feeling.

I feel so terrible most of the time.........so tense and anxious and having this fight or flight feeling everyday. I feel so stressed...so pressurised, like the whole world is on my shoulders. STRESSED. Not a good feeling. I hate this...I really do. I hate having no freedom. I hate having to remember so many things and living my kid's life. I have no life now. Absolutely none. I hate worrying everyday.