Self-Doubt

I have finally woken u. This person has been criticising me and judging me and scolding me till I have doubts about my own self worth. Thus my self esteem has taken such a nose dive that I can't even recognise myself anymore. I have given up most of myself as well....given up on my interests which he doesn't approve of and which he makes me feel guilty that I wanna do them.


Why did I even tolerate such a person in my life. He is so toxic to me. The sad part is he is supposed to be my partner in life yet he is creating the most toxins in me. He is defiitely a very toxic to me. He makes me feel really bad about myself. He gives me all the bad feelings. I have not had a heartwarming good feeling from him before. Throughout these 12 years of being together.......I have never truly felt happy in his company. Only anxiety that he will be angry over something trivial or sad that he treated me with indifference. It had been too tiring. I can't feel any cocerm from him. He himself admitted that he has no concern for me as well as no sympathy for me. It was from the horse's mouth. He had said many many mean things to me and I am sure he meant most of them. I couldn't believe all the horrible things he said about me and how he really felt about me. So what is the purpose of this relationship then? Toally going nowhere except more torture. The thought of him makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I absolutely hate spending time with him. Every minute with him is a torture and it is immensely detrimental to my emotional health as well as for my mental and physical health as all of these are linked somehow. I am suffering ill-health from all the abuse from him. May not be physical abuse but verbal and emotional abuses are harmful nonetheless.


How could I put myself through this further. I am extremely angry with myself for putting up with all this nonsense all these years and tolerating this further will ultimately destroy me. I dun think a future with this man is bright. Rather, it is going to be extremely bleak as it will lead to chronic illnesses. No one can withstand all the emotional torture and no one deserve to live like this. I deserve to live happily. I have gone through so much in my life. I shouldn't be stupid enough to put myself through unhappiness like these. I should seek joy and peace and balance in my life. I can't do so with such a toxic partner.

I do have a high tolerance level. That is why I am still here. That is cos I have been verbally abused since young by my aunt. I should have known better than to be abused like this by anyone anymore. I can't live like this. I should break free and find the innerpeace that I so deserve.