Heck

Heck Heck Heck!! What's wrong with me??? What is really wrong with me? Boredom? Aimless? Sick of doing the same things everyday?

If only I think of one thing to be grateful for everyday and just be happy and thankful for that one thing that day...I will feel contentment and happiness. I ahev been oblivious and blind the the many good things here. Instead I have been focusing on all the negatives and for what??

If I am bored.....do somehting....anything interesting. Why sit around and whine at my boredom??? Pointless? If I am aimlesss...then find an aim...anything..no matter how small. If I am discontented...think of something nice to be thankful for.

I can snap out of it if I have the perserverence. But I guess I am kinda freefalling now cos I am too tired to keep trying. I am kinda struggling to stay afloat and not fall into the bottomless pit of despair. I guess I just wanna freefall a while cos I am just so exhausted. Back to be back on track. Time to change my attitude. I have to ...if n ot, I will never ever feel contentment or happiness. Why live this way? So unhappy all the time? Why? Not as things are really that bad??

What is wrong with me? My guess is I am really too bored....I am by myself too often...I am home too often...I have stopped having frens to talk to. Sigh....

I have really changed. I can't recognise myself anymore. I have changed since I become a full time mum. It was a slow but gradual change. I have managed to kill off the zestful self...slowly but surely. I cannot be at the bottom of my priorities anymore.

I have to take care of myself again. I need to have that motivation to do this. I cannot be wallowing in self-pity and stay in this depressive state for long. This is definitely taking a toll on my health. Emotional well-being really affects physical and mental well-being. I have to try. I have to. I have to get out of this state of inertia. I HAVE TO.
I just have to.

Focus on the positives, please. Please focus on the right things. Please.....pull myself together..please,please, please. I dun wanna rely on anti-depressants which may not work cos I am so sensitive to meds. Sigh..... I need to make baby steps...one step at a time in the right direction. I need to...I need to.........

I need to love and be loved again. I need to care again....I need to have fun again...I need to let go of all the worries and I need the zest in my life again. I need to try new things again! I need to be interested in things again. I need tobe positive........I need to so the things I feel like doing and which make me feel good.

I have to try. I dun wanna go on living like this....so unhappy.....so depressive.

I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. I have to do this for the pple who love me.

I have to learn to let go of trying to control......the situation....other people's behaviour and reactions. Only when I succeed in this then can I find true innerpeace and happiness. Give up control and just let go of all the worries. Guilt and worry are 2 really useless emotions that really get u nowhere...absolutely nowhere.

So someone I care about does not respond the way I want him to.....he acts in a way that I find hurtful so what do I do? Leave him alone....... give him space to sort things out so that he can behave better again. I need to have the patience and faith to leave him to his own feelings which sometimes have nothing to do with me. I need to learn acceptance of the situation, relinquish control and let go and let time take care of it. I cannot take care of it..TIME CAN.