Hope and Zest

I have definitely lost my zest in life. I remember myself when I was younger. I was a totally different person. I had so much zest and love for life then. I love to try and do new things. I had so many interests. I am enthusiastic to do things. Now I am just in a state of inertia, stuck in depression and unable to move forward.

Maybe I have lost hope in my life....or maybe I am thinking that there is nothing interesting to look forward to in my own life. I dunno. I am just stuck in a state of bad health of moodiness and depression and inertia. I cant move, I can't think positive and I can't get myself motivated. I wonder what has happened to me? How did I get myself to be in such a state? I think I am slowly killing myself...slowly I am deterioting. WIthout even realising it...I have dropped out from the game of life. Instead of being a participant which I was...I was the kind who make things happen...now I am merely an observer..someone who watches what happens and not take action. That is me now. I am beginning to hate myself for this. I am angry with myself for pushing myself to the limit and neglecting my own needs to the extent that I have become this walking zombie that I am now. I have unknowing caused myself to be in this state cos I pushed myself too much and had not cared for myself properly for a long time.

I am really angry with myself..thus the depression. Depression is definitely anger turned inward. Sigh......the question is...how to get out if this and reclaim my life? The life I once had which I thought was so exciting and fun? When can I ever do the things I love to do...not worry.....just throw caution to the wind...not plan...not think.....not nag.....just look forward to doing the fun things I love to do everyday?

I feel trapped ......I feel stuck...I feel that I am in a self jail...self trapping....not doing anything...not knowing what to do with myself....aimless.....no direction...moody..unhappy.........no motivation to do anything.

My world has suddenly become so small. No one to talk to...no one to be with. Tons of things I SHOULD do which I dun feel like doing. Things that I MUST do. SIgh...tired. I feel so tired, exhausted, weary. I can't go on. Mentally I am always full to the brim with things to do. Emotionally I am empty, physically, I am burnt out. Spiritually? I dun even have a spiritual side now. I am a total robot. Mechanical, unhappy, walking zombie.

Maybe I need new friends. SOmeone to help me regain the zest that I have. I have to rediscover my hobbies and start doing things I love again. Sometimes I really feel th is man reallly has a part in me feeling so bad right now. Maybe I had put too many eggs in this basket...it is time to spread my eggs out.

Truthfully, I cannot stand this man. He is wishy washy, timid and a scaredy cat... I find n o security in him. I feel that I cannot even depend on him. I find that I have to rely on myself more....even in parenting our kid. He has loads of excuses why he is not disciplining our kid but I dun buy it. He is just too weak. Although I appreciate the fact that he does things around the house but still..I still feel no security with him.

I definitely need more positive influences in my life. More things to do taht I truely enjoy. I need to LIVE again...not just exist day to day stuck at home thinking negative thoughts...self trapping...faing negative influences.........I need connection to the world again.

Can I do it? Yes.