Regrets

I regret putting all my eggs in one basket. I really regret marrying someone I didnt love or admire. There is simply no connection between me and him. It is not his fault...I guess it is no one's fault. Chemistry cannot be forced or arranged. Feelings cannot be created. It has ti come naturally. Guess I have no such feelings for this person.

I regret, I really do regret making certain decisions that led me to this place. I think the only good thing that came out of this marriage is our kid. I love him lots.

I regret not following my heart when I had the chance. Maybe it is because of my very low self esteem then. I did not care at all about my own needs. I dun care about myself at all. I just do what I think I SHOULD do at that time and chose the path that I thought was the safest for me. Now that I introspect, I really regret not following my heart and taking more chances and more risks. Sigh........

I am a very passionate person. I cannot settle for emotionless things. Like my marriage now...totally emotionless. It is so difficult for me to face the way things are now. I have this aching feeling inside me. Not that I blame my hubby...that's the way he is and I have kind of accepted that fact but having no connection with him is what tore me to pieces. Definitely no connection. Double sigh........ no sparks either. I really dunno how to face him or what to say to him. Due to our exploding history, I guess it is very difficult to get things on the right path again. The right path being distant politeness? Our path has moved from being distant politeness before all the quarrels to being awkward and landmindish now.

I read this book which says that life is made up of many aspects and by putting one;s entire emphasis into one aspect of life like a relationship is really not healthy. I have to shift my focus to the other areas in my life too and make things more balanced. I need some thinking and life coaching and plenty of planning now.

I know myself too well. I dun thrive well under stress and responsibilities. I dun like to try to live up tot other people's expectations. I just love to live life in my own terms and do what makes me happy. I dun like people to make me feel guilty just because I didnt do certain things. I dun like others to tell me to do what they think is the right thing to do. I rather do what I think is right. I realise me and hubby have too many conflicting ideas and beliefs that make it very diffficult for me to accept or even to live up to his expectations. I am who I am . I am me. I know what I am good at, suck at, happy with. I dun like him to put the guilt concept into me just because he thinks what I should be doing instead of what I am doing.

How can u expect me to listen (meaning obey) u when I dun even believe in what u say? I am not a puppet.

I do not wanna be a puppet anymore. My emotions will not be controlled or be manipulated by u anymore.

Cheers to my new life.....cheers to being truly me.......