What have I done?

What have I done? It seems that I am conscious enough recently to ask myself this question. Seems like I have lived the past decade of my life with my eyes closed, oblivious to everything that have happened. Now I feel I have finally "woken" up.

I take a look at my life now. Been introspecting a lot lately. I guess it is in my nature to reflect and intropect now and then but I guess I have stopped listeing to my heart for the past decade. I have neglected my heart and turned a deaf ear to what it has to tell me. Sigh...what have I done?

Am I happy with the way things are now? I feel that I am contented, satisfied but not happy. I am appreciative and grateful for everything that I have right now but I am not happy. Maybe I am too bored, or maybe.....ok..I should stop making excuses and stop using my head. My heart tells me that I am very lonely and that I have no connection to anyone.

Actually I already know that this will happen but I tune myself out..not wanting to face this. Even b4 the ROM, I already know that it is going to be a non-sharing, communicationless, chatless, emotionless kind of marriage that I am going into but I still do it anyway. Maybe all I want was security then. I was a very insecure person. Since childhood I had hated to be alone. I had wanted security. Seeing how he acted b4 and after the a#$%tion, really kills all hope that this man is ver going to care a lot about me. I guess my heart died that day and never fully recovered.

I can forget that incident but I cannot forget the fact that he actually cared so little about me and his coldness. If I want to put it behind me, probably I can but ,now, I am faced with this emotionless, non-sharing kind of situation with him everyday that I am kinda tired that we cannot even communicate like friends. He is not my friend at this moment. Maybe a house mate. I dunno how to explain but I am really losing hope and interest in this relationship if u can call it relationship. I know he is not a bad person and that I really appreciate all the things that he had done for me but I feel I am really much happier if I detach myself emotionallly from him.
Just dun expect to have any kind of emotional connection with him. No such expectations and maybe I will be happier but then what's the difference if I am single or married now. Both being emotionally detached from anyone.